1.
It is known about the original Apollo mission to the moon. The United States however was supposed to send Apollo 18 but due to budget issues, the mission was canceled.
this could be broken up better to improve flow.
Example:
The original Apollo missions are well known, and the United States was on course to send Apollo 18. Because of budget issues, though, the mission was cancelled.
2.
Or was it?
this can be broken into another line for more emphasis and drama.
3.
Although Beth did not want to spend the beginning of her summer cleaning, she knew it was right to help. They pulled up to the beautiful two story, Greek revival porch around evening time on a warm Friday. Her grandparents greeted them on the porch and welcomed them inside. Walking in Beth was hit with familiar scents of vanilla and cinnamon. The scents brought Beth back to days where she and her grandma would bake cookies around holidays.
there's a lot of parts like this, but this is just an example. what I mean is these parts are very long and not really important to the story, and should be much more brief.
Example:
They pulled up to the beautiful two story, Greek revival porch around evening time on a warm Friday. The inside had familiar scents of vanilla and cinnamon.
4.
The chest was made of cedar and medium sized. It seemed to be deliberately put into the corner of the attic. There was nothing blocking the chest nor was anything else close by.
this is a wordy way of phrasing. also an object comparison would do better than the generic description of "medium".
Example:
The chest was alone in the corner, of cedar and about the size of a suitcase.
5.
Inside were files including a letter from Richard Nixon, a typed instruction letter for her grandfather as well as his fellow astronauts and even his shirts from NASA.
a more general, visual image would be better storytelling.
Inside were papers and manila folders, and an old NASA uniform.
6.
"wow" was all Jane and her daughter could say.
in general your dialogue isn't really formatted correctly. also this in particular...the "all they could say" thing is a very distant way of telling. try a more direct way.
Example:
"Wow!"
"Cool!"
7.
In the photos one could see three toed prints on the ground, an old spaceship with the Russian flag and more.
"and more" sounds a little strange. something else maybe, or a way of saying they weren't able to view the rest.
Example:
The photos on top showed three-toed footprints and a Russian flag.
8.
“ Our main mission was to find out if Russia had actually gotten to the moon first. There were rumors floating around, but no one was sure...We sent everything to President Nixon and well yeah that didn’t end well.”
this whole thing is just one huge, monotonous block of text, as well as being in a weird tone for a supposed grandfather. try breaking it up to make it more interesting, throw in some gestures or pauses or something.
a few other things:
1. the ending doesn't really add anything to the story. it'd be more effective if you cut it off earlier.
2. the story isn't very interesting, but not because of the predictability, but the way it's presented to us. there's not really any suspense, and the answers to our questions are just kind of dumped in a big boring block.
3. the whole thing is unrealistic. listen, I literally know nothing about US security and whatnot, but even I really raised my eyebrows at such sensitive documents just sitting in someone's attic. maybe do a little research.
sorry this review seems so negative, there's also a lot of things I liked about this story as well, too. the description for them packing was very nice and warm, and the plot about Apollo 18 was intriguing. hope you don't take my criticisms the wrong way
cheers!
Points: 39
Reviews: 46
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