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March third, two thousand and eight.

Please. Don’t spell out ‘2008’. It sounds really, really awkward.

That was when everything changed.

Hopefully so. After all, isn’t that what stories are all about?　But then again, this isn’t the worst beginning I’ve ever seen. Plus, it introduces us to a.) Your style, b.) The tone of the story (choppy, halting, suspenseful) and c.)Where we are (setting), and therefore what kind of environment we can expect to be in.

The ground was brushed with a light layer of snow.

I think “dusted” would suit it better than “brushed”. Snow isn’t really compact when it falls (I think), so saying “brushed” would give the reader a mental image similar to an artist deliberately smearing snow all over the ground.

It was the kind of snow that didn't pack well, it wasn't snow man snow; it looked almost like someone had powder sugared the Earth, as if it was a dough nut hole.

Uh, too much “it was” and “it wasn’t”. Lay off on the extra description- your readers aren’t stupid. Therefore, get rid of “…it wasn’t snow man snow” and make “…it looked almost like…” another separate sentence. Interesting description, comparing the earth to a doughnut hole, by the way. “Earth” is not capitalized unless you’re addressing it directly and not by ‘the earth’. “Dough nut” is actually one word.

As my neon Nikes squashed against the snow, I heard a deep, handsome laugh from behind me.

I’m just wondering- how does a laugh sound handsome? Maybe it could be alluring, or sexy, or whatever kind of laugh, but handsome seems more of a description for a countenance.

If only I had known that I had just seen the most beautiful face one could ever imagine.

Eh.

He had bronze hair (usually I didn't go for blondes...but he was different)

So you’re implying that she’s lusting after him already? I don’t think the parenthesis part is necessary until she’s actually making her intentions clear to chase after him.

His beauty had taken me aback so much that I didn't notice I had stopped dead in my tracks. I only realized when I saw headlights flashing before me, and before I knew it I had been knocked over by a giant black SUV.

Dude. Seriously. There’s that ‘wtf’ moment XD. Plus, wouldn’t they have honked or something, or did Mr. Hot know that a car was approaching, or what? If Mr. Hot is truly vital to the story, and not just for drooling purposes, SAY IT. Is he an alien, or does he have no emotions whatsoever? You didn’t mention if his expression changed or not, and what it looked like, before she got hit, since she is staring at him after all.

I woke up three days later in a hospital, surrounded by people I had never met in my life.

This isn’t as good of a cliffhanger as I wish it could be. Plus, everything was pretty rushed, and even though your descriptions of snow were unique and interesting, that’s all I got out of it. The description of Mr. Hot was generic and cliché, to say the least, and it bored me. The “what’s going to happen?” factor was probably a 5 out of 10, only because this seems so unlikely and cliché and totally random. The story seems devoid of logic because you didn’t put enough description in there. Why was she in the parking lot? Where was she going to go? Is she an orphan, because she’s in a hospital with strangers? Do they talk after she wakes up? What do they look like? Stretch the “chapter” ending a little further, not so much that you kill the suspense, but just enough that it gives some detail to the new surroundings. Maybe someone could say, “Hello, Character name. Put whatever has to do with the plot here.” And end it that way.

I would have expected this to be much, much longer- it’s short, but it’s not sweet. Make it sweet. Make it scary. Detail is everything.

I liked it. It was short, but a good set up for the story. I like the description of the snow and of the boy.

It was the kind of snow that didn't pack well, it wasn't snow man snow; it looked almost like someone had powder sugared the Earth, as if it was a dough nut hole.

I see you have a semi-colon there, but I would break this into two sentences. Or make it all one sentence, something like "It was the kind of snowt hat didn't pacek well, not snow man snow, almost like powder sugar on a dough nut hole."

Plus all the stuff the others said that I don't want to repeat since it was already said.
Oh and maybe its just me, but it seemed a little choppy. The flow is there, but could use a little work. The repetition of words as the others posted is maybe what made it seem this way to me. I'm not sure, but yeah. Keep it up, I like it and can't wait for more!

hii salsahanno!
I enjoyed reading this although it was a bit too short to be considered a chapter.
Anywayz..i did not find too many mistakes in this one. Try and paint a picture in our minds of how it was(if I am making any sense to you)...i mean describe the scenery...We know there was grass....we want to know more details. Is it like a crowded place? peaceful? many cars parked around or only a few?

March third, two thousand and eight.

Instead write

March 23, 2008

I dont know why, just looks better and makes it clearer that you're telling us the date here.

I like the way you have described the snow here:

it looked almost like someone had powder sugared the Earth

As alwaysawriter said remove one of the "befores" in this line:

I only realized when I saw headlights flashing before me, and before I knew it I had been knocked over by a giant black SUV.

Try: I only realised when I saw headlight flashing before me, and in a fraction of a second/blink of an eye I had been knocked over by a giant black SUV.

Other than that...I dont think there's anything else I wanna say..Keep it up and PM me when you write the next chapter.

This was really short so I'd make this a prologue for the story.

well, it

Instead of the comma, try And. It flows better.

As my neon

You used As in the previous sentence. So it doesn't sound repetitive, try saying When instead.

If only I had known that I had just seen the most beautiful face one could ever imagine.

Add more to this sentence; it sounds like you just stopped half way through.

I only realized when I saw headlights flashing before me, and before I knew it I had been knocked over by a giant black SUV.

This sentence doesn't flow well. Try to reword it. Take out at least one of the Befores.

I woke up three days later in a hospital, surrounded by people I had never met in my life.

Good ending line; it makes readers want to know more.

Overall

I liked it because you started and ended well.In the next chapter, expand on everything: the main character, the new setting, all of that other stuff. Tell us who the strangers are. Or maybe they aren't strangers but she has memory loss and can't rememeber that they're actually friends or family. Just an idea there.
PM me for anything at all.

-alwaysawriter