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Hey! I saw your shout on my blog. Unfortunately, I agree with you. I am incredibly awesome...haha

Anyway, I liked this. The writing was good and it flowed rather well...onto the critique...

Characters: The characters didn't seem completely flat, but there wasn't alot to them either. I think if you made them less stereotypical it would add ALOT to the story. Give the main character a weird quirk; she hates the color of soda; she loves it when people walk backwards; her favorite thing to do is pretend to be a princess from a far away land. Those are just random examples...and not very good ones, but the character definitely needs something more to her personality. Kyle too. Have her remember something random he did or give him the habit of never changing his clothes. Something like that.

Plot/Description: To be perfectly honest, romance by itself is not particularly interesting. It is often fine to have some kind of love interest weaved into another, deeper or more intriguing plot. But if it's only about teenage romance, it will likely seem a little bland and boring. Technically, you could change this around a little and have something crazy or random happen and have her and Kyle end up working together for something...That is kind of a rough suggestion but you know I mean.

There is definitely a lack of description. What does the house look like, smell like, feel like? What do the people look like? What does the main character look like? What time of day is it and how does the light hit whatever is going on? Since it's first person, how does the main character like things to look and does she dislike the way they do look?--answering that one could give her more character.

So, I liked it and if you do want to keep it a romance, that is fine and I'm sure you could still make it entertaining. Good luck and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

First, I found this WAY too short!  Why did you cut it like that?? I would have loved to read more…

Well, anyway, some of your sentences were kind of funny. Like:

Mr. and Mrs. Stork were very good friends with my parents, they had met way back when, and kept in touch ever since.

I. NITPICKS

As my favorite song danced out of the stereo, I bobbed my head along[s],[/s] [it’s better to just say “I made” and nix the comma] making my way from the living room back into the kitchen. [Change the second kitchen to avoid repetition] The kitchen was overflowing with people, my family, and the friends [s]who were like the family that I had chosen[/s] [do you mean they’re like the family she chooses? I think you should just take this out..] . It was Saint Patrick’s Day [I think a comma would suffice] an event that calls for great celebration in my family, so my father had invited far too many people, as usual. There were a few aunts and uncles in attendance, several of my Dad’s friends from work, along with their daughters, [I think this is weirdly worded…you say “his friends from work” and it sounds like more than two but you only mention to daughters from the same guy - I think you should re-word this] my two best friends, who just happened to be sisters, and their father and mother.

I was making my way through the kitchen, giving the obligatory greeting of a hug or a “Nice to see you,” along the way, when I met [the way you say this it sounds like the first time but they’re old family friends…] some of our oldest family friends, the Storks. Mr. and Mrs. Stork were very good friends with my parents, they had met way back when, and kept in touch ever since. Next, there was their daughter, Jackie, a few years younger than I, she had grown a lot in the year since I had seen her last. Then [avoid starting with “then], I reached their son, Kyle, who was a few months older than I was. I threw him a quick “Hey,” and then [there it is again..] made my way up to my room with the girls, while the boys went into the den for some video games.

The party was going along great. I had fun gossiping with my two best friends- [Use a comma rather than a dash] Caitlin and Rebecca, along with Jackie[s],[/s] [I’m not sure, but I don’t think you need this comma] while the younger girls listened and giggled. When we made our way downstairs for dessert [Remember it’s “dessert” because you want two servings] later than night, we were welcomed by a feast of sweets neatly arranged on the kitchen counter. I carefully selected the ones that looked worst [I think you should re-word this it sounds a bit funny maybe “the least best for my health” otherwise I like this] for my health, and sat down in the front room with the rest of the kids.

“Wow, Kyle’s pretty cute. He plays hockey, right? Marie, my buddy, my pal, you want to--”

I looked at her, gave her the evil eye, and said “No! I don't want to put in a good word for you, and yes, I can read your mind. Yes, he does play hockey, actually, but don’t you dare say anything to him! I’ve known him since forever, so, number one, no, he’s not cute! And, number two, he’s off limits, because I know I would have to endure hours of you going on and on about how dreamy he was if anything ever went down...and that would be repulsive.” [:lol:]
Caitlin replied with a sly smile, and proceeded back into the other room. She knew she was disturbing me. Her remarks had put a pit into my stomach. Seriously? Was she seriously [Take out the first “seriously”] going to do this to me? I knew she would, she loves to vocalize her attraction. I secretly wondered if Kyle was thinking the same thing about her. But, he couldn’t, of course he couldn’t…that would be…incredibly disgusting. If she dated him, I don’t know what I would do. I’ve known him my entire life. I know a hell of a lot about him, too. I even knew that when he gets tired, he itches his nose. My mom even has a picture of the two of us playing from when I was no older than two.

Feeling sick to my stomach, I walked back into the front room.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, my head was telling me, rewind…sick to your stomach? What is this?
Could I possibly have feelings for Kyle?

These things always giggle. Mostly because I'm a romantic and a writer, and I relate to these kinds of things. Anywhoo, nothing I have to say about this piece is really any different from everyone else. Nicely written, realistic, cute. I want to know more about Kyle though! The boy is always the biggest part in these stories, you know! But yeah, PM me when you post some more! I should like to read it.

Holly

I always fall for stories like this.

It was Saint Patrick’s Day—an event that calls for great celebration in my family, so my father had invited far too many people, as usual.

All of the adults were gathered around the kitchen table, listening to a story my father was telling them about the time he was reprimanded by a midget. The soda seemed to sizzle as I poured it over the ice cubes. I was pouring some Cola into Caitlin’s cup when she leaned forward, and whispered something into my ear:

When we made our way downstairs for desert later than night,

OKay, I Love the whole plot of this and think that your wording was great. Some of your grammar may be a bit off but dont worry because every reveiw i've gotten so far says i do to. But it doesnt mean your not a good writer! I really am curious of what will happen next! Keep writing!

Hey! Okay, I'm not going to critique your story paragraph by paragraph like Monki...I'm more about the idea behind it and the plot than the grammar. I think that it a really well written story and you definitely have a way with words, just, I'm not sure where you're going with it. It seems a little too happy-go-lucky, I don't know if that is just my taste. But you should tie something deeper into it, not necessarily a main plot element, but just something to ground it a little. And I agree, I really want to know the main character's name, so keep going! ~Mechi

I'd be glad to review!

My comments/critiques will be in bold, your writing in italics. And here we go:

salsashanno wrote:As my favorite song danced out of the stereo, I bobbed my head along, making my way from the living room back into the kitchen. The kitchen was overflowing with people, my family, and the friends who were like the family that I had chosen. It was Saint Patrick’s Day—an event that calls for great celebration in my family, so my father had invited far too many people, as usual. There were a few aunts and uncles in attendance, several of my Dad’s friends from work, along with their daughters, my two best friends, who just happened to be sisters, and their father and mother. I was making my way through the kitchen, giving the obligatory greeting of a hug or a “nice to see you,” along the way, when I met some of our oldest family friends, the Storks. Mr. and Mrs. Stork were very good friends with my parents, they had met way back when, and kept in touch ever since. Next, there was their daughter, Jackie, a few years younger than I, she had grown a lot in the year since I had seen her last. Then, I reached their son, Kyle, who was a few months older than I was. I threw him a quick “hey,” and then made my way up to my room with the girls, while the boys went into the den for some video games.

salsashanno wrote:The party was going along great. I had fun gossiping with my two best friends- Caitlin and Rebecca, along with Jackie, while the younger girls listened and giggled. When we made our way downstairs for desert later than night, we were welcomed by a feast of sweets neatly arranged on the kitchen counter. I carefully selected the ones that looked worst for my health, and sat down in the front room with the rest of the kids.

salsashanno wrote:My youngest brother was midway through a not-so entertaining story about a crocodile when Caitlin invited me to escape with her for a few moments to get a refill on our Cokes, I happily agreed.

salsashanno wrote:All of the adults were gathered around the kitchen table, listening to a story my father was telling them about the time he was reprimanded by a midget. The soda seemed to sizzle as I poured it over the ice cubes. I was pouring some Cola into Caitlin’s cup when she leaned forward, and whispered something into my ear:

“Wow, Kyle’s pretty cute. He plays hockey, right?”

salsashanno wrote:I looked at her, gave her the evil eye, and said “Yes, he does, but don’t you dare! I’ve known him since forever, so, number one, no, he’s not cute! And, number two, he’s off limits, because I know I would have to endure hours of you going on and on about how dreamy he was if anything ever went down.”

salsashanno wrote:Caitlin replied with a sly smile, she knew this was disturbing me, and proceeded back into the other room. Her remarks had put a pit into my stomach. Seriously? Was she seriously going to do this to me? I knew she would, she loves to vocalize her attraction. I secretly wondered if Kyle was thinking the same thing about her. But, he couldn’t, of course he couldn’t…that would be…incredibly disgusting. If she dated him, I don’t know what I would do. I’ve known him my entire life. I know a hell of a lot about him, too. I even knew that when he gets tired, he itches his nose. My mom even has a picture of the two of us playing from when I was no older two.

salsashanno wrote:Feeling sick to my stomach, I walked back into the front room.

Woah, woah, woah, my head was telling me, rewind…sick to your stomach? What is this?

Could I possibly have feelings for Kyle?

Monki's Nitpicks

-I've noticed that you tend to use the '...' quite a bit. Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with it. I use it more than you do, I believe. But, when you use it, you use it like this: "Woah, woah, woah, my head was telling me, rewind…sick to your stomach? What is this?" I suggest using like this: "Woah, woah, woah, my head was telling me, rewind… sick to your stomach? What is this?" Even one space makes the whole paragraph look a lot cleaner.

-My only other nitpick is that many of your paragraphs seem extra long. I think you have the same problem that I sometimes have. I tend to not know where a paragraph should begin, where it should end, and when I should start a new one. Don't worry. Just pay attention to this next time you write. You might go over it and realize what I mean.

-The MC's name. Need I say more? No? Well, I will anyway. We know everyone and their mother and brother's name, but we don't know the MC's name?! That's craziness! (Again, I'm very guilty of doing this too. So, don't worry. You're not alone. Learn from my mistakes.)


Overall, I think this has great potential. And actually, I'm really interested to see how the next part turns out. ^ ^ Now, I know some people say: "This has great potential! Good job! Keep writing!" and that's their critique. Apparently, you can see that that's not how I work. So, you must be doing something right, right? Lmao.

But, seriously, PM me if you ever need a new critique/when you edit this. I'd love to take another look at it.

<3,
Monki

I literally just threw this together in an hour, so reviews, pretty please? I know that it's probably not the greatest, but my editing skills are horrendous.

Also, this (or at least this chapter) is loosely based off of a true story, which I plan to write about in my blog sometime in the near future.

Thanks, all!