Who Would've Thought? 1

It was typical of my family to throw a St. Patrick's Day party, only invite Italian people, and then not cook any food remotely Irish.

salsashanno-
When I saw that you had St. Patricks Day, I freaked. I just love that holiday. All that green. *smiles*
The title: Who Would've Thought? didn't make sense, but then it hit me when I read the ending.
It was an abrupt ending but it makes me want to read the next chapter. Which I'll totally do.
I think all you need is character description of the people Marie sees through her eyes. I like to know who her dad's friends are besides the Starks. Like who else came besides her friends? And what about Kyle? What does he look like and besides the fact that he plays hockey? I like to know more about him, Marie and Kate.
Otherwise I'm off to read more...oh, and great job! Keep it up.
-Merry

Hey Salsa! I will be your reviewer for today. *waves* =D
Quote: Mr. and Mrs. Stark were very good friends with my parents, they had met way back when, and kept in touch ever since
You have two separate ideas here, so that comma makes this a comma splice, or a run-on sentence. To fix this, there are a few things you can do – I would recommend a “semi-colon” or making them two separate sentences. A semi-colon is generally used in place of an and, but you already have one in the last part of the sentence, which is why I recommend a semi-colon.
“…with my parents; they had met way back when, and kept in touch ever since.”
Also, it should be “had kept in touch ever since.”

Quote: Next, there was their daughter, Jackie, a few years younger than I, she had grown a lot in the year since I had seen her last
“a few years younger than me”
You have another comma splice/run-on here. Easy fix! Here, because there are no other “ands”, you can make this into another sentence, add an “and”, or a semi-colon. I think a new sentence would look best.

Quote: Soon, I reached their son, Kyle, who was a few months older than I was.
If a family were coming to a party, at first they would probably all be together. Because of this, I don’t think the “soon” is the best choice of word. It makes it sound like Kyle is a distance away from his family. I think it would sound best to say that her eyes drifted over to him, or that she spotted him, or something along those lines, to imply that she hasn’t had to move much to see him.

Quote: I noticed Sam gesturing for me to escape with her; so I threw him a quick “hey,” and quickly made my way up to my room with the girls.
The comma and quotation thing appears again here. Your “hey” here is a phrase, not dialogue, so the comma goes outside of it: “hey”, and quickly. Also, I’m not sure if the “so” after a semi-colon is technically incorrect, but it sounds bad. So nix the so.

Quote: When we made our way downstairs for dessert later than night
Small typo. That.

Quote: He was midway through a not-so entertaining story about the crocodile
You already mentioned that his story was about a crocodile, so you don’t need to repeat that. You can just say “not so entertaining story.”

Quote: And then she turned to me and said, what, did you forget the jell-o, now, too?
Since this is dialogue, it should be in quotation marks.

Quote: Wow, Kyle’s pretty cute. He plays hockey, right? Marie, my buddy, my pal, you want to—
Same goes for here. Dialogue goes in quotations.

Quote: I looked at her, gave her the evil eye, and said “No! I don't want to put in a good word for you, and yes, I can read your mind.
Dialogue grammar: “and said, ‘No!” You need a comma after said.

Quote: and on about how dreamy he was if anything ever went down...
Was? Does something happen to him? ^_^ “how dreamy he is if anything ever went down…”

ATMOSPHERE
There’s a party going on, and that’s fun – it would be fun to describe too. You need to put more detail in the setting. Think of the five senses around Marie: what would she smell, taste, see, touch, hear? Her senses would be overwhelming her at party that has a lot of people, crowding her in – so let us feel that, too, as we read. There could be constant music coming from a stereo, she could smell nacho dip and pizza sauce, people could be brushing up against her. When you add more description to the setting, this party will just unfold around the reader and put them there. That should be your goal.

Also, you could slow down you pace a little… let us absorb more of the setting and character interaction.

OVERALL
This is a good intro – I think it’s interesting, starting at a party. A lot of things can happen with everyone together. It’s also a good way to get to know the main character, because we get to see how Marie acts in company. All you need to do is add a little more description and detail to the characters and the world around them. Really place us into the setting. But I love a good romance story, so I look forward to reading the next parts.

Thanks for the read! Feel free to PM me if you have questions.

~ Clo

Hey Salsashanno!
I'm scasha!
Here's my crit key:Red = Comments
Bold = Words I've inserted that I think work better.

salsashanno wrote:Reviews are greatly appreciated.

What do you think, too long? Should I cut it in half for the next part?


As my favorite song danced out of the stereo, I bobbed my head along [s]I[/s] making my way from the living room back into the kitchen; [s]which was overflowing with people, my family, and friends[/s] Wow! Really really long sentence. After I read the next couple lines, I decided you didn't need the end of that sentence. It was Saint Patrick’s Day—an event that calls for great celebration in my family, so my father had invited far too many people, as usual. There were a few aunts and uncles in attendance, several of my Dad’s friends from work, along with their daughters, plus two of my friends, Kate and Sam.
I [s]was making my way through the kitchen, giving[/s] you're repeating yourself gave the obligatory greeting of a hug or a “nice to see you,” along the way, and most of them responded with the standard "You too! It's so good to see you again, Marie." After that brief exchange insert comma I quickly moved onto the next person, eager to avoid quizzes about my love life or my favorite subject in school. Make a new paragraph It was then that I came across some of our oldest family friends, the Starks. Mr. and Mrs. Stark were very good friends with my parents, they had met way back when, and kept in touch ever since. Next, there was their daughter, Jackie, a few years younger than I. She had grown a lot in the year since I had seen her last. Soon, I reached their son, Kyle, who was a few months older than I was. I threw him a quick “hey,” and [s]quickly[/s] made my way up to my room with the girls, while the boys went into the den for some video games.
The party was going along great. I had fun gossiping with [s]my two best friends[/s] You established this in the paragraph above , Kate and Sam, along with Jackie, while the younger girls listened and giggled. When we made our way downstairs for dessert later than night, we were welcomed by a feast of sweets neatly arranged on the kitchen counter. I [s]carefully[/s] selected the ones that looked worst for my health, and sat down in the front room with the rest of the kids. Everyone was gathered around the old, oak, oval table, snacking on the newly baked cupcakes as they pretended to be amused at my youngest brother's latest storytelling creation. He was so excited at his little tale that he was nearly bursting out of his chair as he as who? Be careful with pronouns. I wasn't sure who was talking? described the jaws of a crocodile he had [s]supposedly[/s] met in his travels. He was midway through[s] a not-so entertaining story about a crocodile [/s]when Kate invited me to escape with her for a few moments to get a refill on our Cokes. [s]I happily agreed. [/s]
All of the adults were gathered around the kitchen table, listening to a story my father was telling them about the time he was reprimanded by a midget. The soda [s]seemed to sizzle [/s] sizzled as I poured it over the ice cubes. I was pouring some Cola into Kate’s cup when she leaned forward, and whispered something into my ear:

"Wow, Kyle’s pretty cute. He plays hockey, right? Marie, my buddy, my pal, you want to--"

I looked at her, giving her the evil eye, and said “No! I don't want to put in a good word for you, and yes, I can read your mind. Yes, he does play hockey, but don’t you dare say anything to him! I’ve known him since forever, so, number one, no, he’s not cute! And, number two, he’s off limits, because I know I would have to endure hours of you going on and on about how dreamy he was if anything ever went down...and that would be repulsive.”
Kate replied with a sly smile, and proceeded back into the other room. She knew she was disturbing me. Her remarks had put a pit into my stomach. Was she seriously going to do this to me? I knew she would, she loves to vocalize her attraction. I secretly wondered if Kyle was thinking the same thing about her. But, he couldn’t, of course he couldn’t…that would be…incredibly disgusting. If she dated him, I don’t know what I would do. I’ve known him my entire life. I knew a hell of a lot about him, too. I know that when he gets tired, he itches his nose. Did Kate know that? I didn’t think so. My mom even has a picture of the two of us playing from when I was no older than two.
Feeling sick to my stomach, I walked back into the front room.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, my head was telling me, rewind…sick to your stomach? What is this?

Could I possibly have feelings for Kyle?