We walked in to the school with our fingers twined together. this was the first time i had gone into school with a girlfriend. We walked into the admissions office to get our schedules and we saw a familiar face.
"Nico?"
" Oh! Hey Percy! What are you doing here?"
" I go here.... what are you doing here..?"
" well after all the chaos my dad decided that i should go to school instead of hanging around i the underworld all year." I was surprised. I looked over to Annabeth and to my surprise she was smiling smugly.....
" What?"
" I just think its kind of ........ cute that you get so annoyed over such a little thing." I thought about that and realized i was being dumb. So i just turned around and started toward my first period class ..... what was it again?.... oh yeah Science........
******************************
"today has been so weird so far!?!"
" and why is that?"
" well nothing has tried to eat or kill me yet.... i think that deserves a celebration!" All three of us started laughing but, it didn't feel right without Grover here. i hope is okay!?!
this is my first story critiques are welcome
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is a rather random spot to be starting out with a fanfiction to do with this particular fandom, but it is a little fun to see something quite so different come into play here. Its not too often that you tend to run into something like this and it is nice to see this sort of situation happening away from the constant threat of death too, so this is a fun little start.
Hmm not entirely sure that interaction quite worked there. It seems a bit rushed there and I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to portray as cute there. It doesn't seem to quite work with the references you have going there. I feel like you might have to look into that particular bit of dialogue again.
Well that is a cute little scene to end on but I have to say that's a bit disjointed here from the rest of this piece and it doesn't quite feel earned. I feel like you need to actually show a bit more of how calm and peaceful this day is before you get to use a line like that because at the moment it hardly seems to have much meaning.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I see some errors, but I am going to go from book point of view. Nico isn't talkative. He is dark and mean. Percy and Annabeth wouldn't be holding hands I don't think, but thats all I got.
Oh man. Just saw it was a fanfic so OBVIOUSLY something came before... I'm feeling so smart right now...
~EmmaJane~
Good start. The first sentence, and following paragraph, are always the hardest. You've got the reader wondering: who? Why? You need to capitalise the "t" in "this" on the second sentence. Perhaps after that you could explain why. Did he usually have no luck with girls? Or did he always arrive separate to them?
Not quite sure who is talking here. Aside from we know it's Nico and Percy talking, but we're unsure which one is the main character. Also, is it me or is there a space between the speech mark and the speech?
" well after all the chaos my dad decided that i should go to school instead of hanging around i the underworld all year." I was surprised. I looked over to Annabeth and to my surprise she was smiling smugly.....
Capital "w" on "well" and the "i" needs to be capitalised too. Plus, after "hanging around" you have another "i" in there for some reason. Oh, and try using another word rather than going with "surprise" again. Shocked? Also, how many dots needed at the end?
You don't need the space between the opening speech mark and the actual speech. You got it right on the Nico one. Plus, too many dots. Stick with three
Capital "t" on the "today" and no space between the speech mark and he speech on the next two lines. Capital "a" on the "and" and capital "w" n "well" also the "!?!" is... let's just say chose either a question mark or an exclamation mark. The comma comes before the "but" after "laughing"
Who is Grover???
Turn the "here" into "there" and Capital "i" needed. Do you mean: I hope he is okay! Or is it she...? o_O
Overall: I'm kinda confused. Have I missed some that comes before this? If not, I think you need to explain about: 1) the underworld - huh? 2) Which one is which? Is Nico or Percy the main character? 3) Who is Grover? And what is he/she doing? 4) Why would someone/something want to eat the main character? 5) What is he annoyed about?
You need more description!! What do the characters look like? What are their personalities like? Try to include some more of the main character's thoughts and feelings. Describe the scenery, hell, even the weather if you get desperate!
But this was great to read. I enjoyed it quite a bit.
~EmmaJane~