z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Stuck in the 80's

by chas3b987


A perfect life is hard to have, well at least for Billy Niche.

Billy parked his Mini Cooper in the St. George Madison High School parking lot, Billy met two of his closest friends, Tim and Sheldon. Well, it happened to be the first day back at the old school, but the students were already having a replica of the past year. All of them brain dead, confused, running into walls and lockers. First period just started, and Billy ran up the halls to get to his favorite class, Physics. Billy played on his computer the whole time in the back of the class without the substitute teacher knowing. With his other teachers he would do that, but they would come over and see him move his hands to get to another tab. Their teacher had an unexpected death in the family, and couldn’t make it to school for two weeks. His class mates became very happy because Halloween was coming up, and all of them had amazing costumes to wear to the party at the school. The year grew cold, for winter brewed. Winter meant the Science Fair for the students of Madison High. Billy loved science, and he decided to make the most out of the science fair, a time machine.

The day of the Science Fair came, and Billy sprang from wall to wall with excitement, and couldn’t stop smiling. The time machine happened to be fully operational, and he wanted to make sure it worked. He tinkered with it, but the machine went rogue, shaking and rumbling. Tink, tink went the metal of the machine until a burst of light shone through. What is happening? He thought. I didn’t program it to do this. Hey! He screamed. People from all around the room looked his direction, only to be unsatisfied by an empty booth. He looked around, and found himself in the same school, dressed in the same clothes, with the same looks, and the same personality, but he knew something went wrong. He didn’t know what time period he ended up in, but he knew he needed to get back home, back to the Science Fair.

He walked down to the last class he left, and it turns out they were having class as well. A guy in the back of the class yelled, “Wickity what is going on boss. You late for class in the hizzle.”

“I . . . I’m sorry what did you say? Am I in the 80’s or something? ” questioned Billy.

“Wickity what are you talking about boss, this is the 80’s.”

It took Billy a minute to figure out that he ended up stuck in the 80’s, but the slang words. Who says Wickity any more? He thought. Who dresses in baggy jeans, and leather jackets any more? These people look like they didn’t even brush their hair this morning, let alone look to see what they were putting on. This is just too crazy for me, I need to get out of here. He didn’t know what to do after that.

Meanwhile, in the present, his friends asked to be excused from class to find Billy. They were sent from class to look for him. Looking around every corner, checking every locker, searching any place a 6’7” 320 lbs. 16 year old could be found. Then they finally checked the time machine. The switch on the machine pointed to the on section, and they tried to turn it off, but in doing so, they got sucked in, too. They did the same thing Billy did. They thought like him. Finally, they found him in the boys' bathroom. Billy told them he could make a time machine if he had the right parts, and two hours of complete silence. His friends began to get nervous about this, he would present in two hours. They did the best they could to find parts, but before they started working, the bell rang. They couldn’t find a safe place to build, so they found the robotics room, and built in there. The students just thought the guys are amazing at robotics, instead of knowing they could build the time machine if they had the blueprints. Billy needed to present because the judges walked his way, and he only had to install the battery to the machine. He hooked it up and jumped in. When he came out, everyone watching stood with mouths wide open when he jumped from the portal with his friends. He told his story about what happened, he got first place in rankings, and got the Nobel peace prize for outstanding creative youth inventor.

He created more adventures to have, and created more things, but in the end, he became the greatest inventor ever.

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Points: 173
Reviews: 36

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Thu May 17, 2018 3:52 am
GodfreysBouillon wrote a review...



A good story.

Many of your sentences are incorrect or redundant, such as "Billy parked his Mini Cooper in the St. George Madison High School parking lot, Billy met two of his closest friends, Tim and Sheldon."

Note how you use Billy twice when it should have been,
"Billy parked his Mini Cooper in the St. George Madison High School parking lot, meeting two of his closest friends, Tim and Sheldon."

Many other sentences are primitive and chunky, but don't worry. If there's one thing this site is good at doing to a person, its making them better at writing. My first story on here was much the same as yours, with many beginner mistakes. But I am now corrected in my ways and overall a much better writer. You can be the same.

Just fix your descriptive words, know when to break up sentences that run too long, and press Enter once in a while. Your block paragraphs strained my eyes as I read them.

Overall, a great premise for a story and a great job.
Just fix some things and you'll be on your way.




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Points: 429
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Sat Apr 14, 2018 11:50 pm
Summerbelle wrote a review...



There are several incomplete sentences and redundant words. Such as: Billy/anymore/when
Use main character's name once per paragraph, and when using dialogue. When a character speaks use quotation marks, and italics for internal thoughts. Reading aloud helps us writers to recognize sentence errors.

Great story and thanks for sharing! : )




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121 Reviews

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Sat Apr 07, 2018 1:48 am
manilla wrote a review...



This was a nice, short story that just...Relaxes you after a long day. I didn't grow up in the 80's, so this kind of gave me a quick feel for that.

--

Hi, @chas3b987! Manilla here for a review. Let's get the nitpicky things out of the way, shall we?

"Billy parked his Mini Cooper in the St. George Madison High School parking lot, Billy met two of his closest friends, Tim and Sheldon."


This, my friend, appears to be a run-on sentence. You could make it into two shorter ones instead of one long one.

"All of them brain dead, confused"


Did you forget a "were" after "them"? I think that would work in this case.

"his favorite class, Physics"


Physics is an improper noun, so it should be lowercase. Also, you wouldn't win a Nobel Peace Prize for a time machine. Time machines aren't necessarily humanitarianism in my opinion! There are other small things here and there, but I'm sure you could catch them with review. Alright. Let's get into the main idea of this piece.

You do a lot of telling, more telling than showing. As a writer, I believe it's important to delve into the details - The time spent creating the time machine.

This is a place where you do use details. That makes your story more clever when you do so.

"...searching any place a 6’7” 320 lbs. 16 year old could be found."


Final quick suggestion - Write out "pounds" instead of "lbs".

I think you get my point by now - Going into the details of your story (so that the reader is engaged) and conventions/grammar/vocab/etc.

That's all from me!
-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem unhelpful or rude. They were not intentional.)




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17 Reviews

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Fri Apr 06, 2018 5:32 pm
scarlettvee wrote a review...



Hello! I liked this chapter, it was a fun, quick read and reminded me a little bit of Meet the Robinson's (I don't know if you've ever seen the movie but it's a good movie.) Your descriptions of the 80s also helped to show the readers what was happening around Billy, and what it would be like the go back to the 80s.

But anyway, as for the grammar, I have a few corrections you may want to ponder. You don't have to follow all of my corrections if you choose not to of course, but these are just some things I noticed!


Billy parked his Mini Cooper in the St. George Madison High School parking lot, Billy met two of his closest friends, Tim and Sheldon.

One of the biggest things that I have noticed about this story is that you use "Billy" a lot, but you typically don't have to use a character's name more than a few times per paragraph and you definitely don't need to use it twice in one sentence so I would recommend you try to take some of the "Billy"s out. For this sentence in particular, you can rewrite it as:
Billy parked his Mini Cooper in the St. George Madison High School parking lot and stepped out to meet two of his closest friends, Tim and Sheldon



Well, it happened to be the first day back at the old school, but the students were already having a replica of the past year.

I would recommend taking the "well" out but also, what do you mean that they were "already having a replica of the past year"? I don't quite understand what you mean by this


Billy played on his computer the whole time in the back of the class without the substitute teacher knowing.

This is both a time jump from the previous sentence and another redundant usage of Billy. I would advise you rewrite this sentence as:
As soon as he got to class, he got on a computer game and played the whole time in the back of the class without the teacher knowing



With his other teachers he would do that, but they would come over and see him move his hands to get to another tab. Their teacher had an unexpected death in the family, and couldn’t make it to school for two weeks. His class mates became very happy because Halloween was coming up, and all of them had amazing costumes to wear to the party at the school.

You talk about many different topics here in very quick succession, moving very quickly from a teacher seeing Billy playing on a computer, to their teacher having a familial death to Halloween and this not only make the reading choppy, but also hard to follow. Maybe rewrite it something like this:
With his other teachers he would do that, but they would come over and see him move his hands to get to another tab. Their real teacher had an unexpected death in the family, and couldn’t make it to school for two weeks. His classmates'
became very happy energy peaked not only because of the missing teacher but also because Halloween was coming up, and all of them had amazing costumes to wear to the party at the school.



Tink, tink went the metal of the machine until a burst of light shone through.

Tink, tink should be italics


What is happening? He thought. I didn’t program it to do this.

This should be a separate paragraph to the previous one and "what is happening" and "I didn't program it to do this" should be in italics


Hey! He screamed.

Again, this should be the start of a new paragraph and "Hey!" needs to be in quotation marks


He looked around, and found himself in the same school...

Once again, this should be the start of a new paragraph


but he knew something went wrong.

How does he know something is wrong? Maybe describe something different about the school or the people walking around Billy that tip him off that he's in a different time period


...class yelled, “Wickity what is going on boss. You late for class in the hizzle.”

There should be a comma after "Wickity"


“I . . . I’m sorry what did you say? Am I in the 80’s or something? ” questioned Billy.

Again, you should show us more of Billy slowly figuring out it's the 80's before he actually realizes it. Show the readers him coming to the slow realization that he was transported 30+ years back in time.


Who says Wickity any more? He thought. Who dresses in baggy jeans, and leather jackets any more? These people look like they didn’t even brush their hair this morning, let alone look to see what they were putting on. This is just too crazy for me, I need to get out of here.

Everything except for "he thought" needs to be in italics here


He didn’t know what to do after that.

New paragraph. Also, instead of telling us that Billy didn't know what to do, show it instead through him looking around, lost, through panic, hopelessness, fear etc. Try to show the readers that Billy doesn't know what to do without actually telling them what he doesn't know what to do.


...16 year old could be found.

"16 year old" should have dashes in between it, so instead it will look like:
...16-year-old could be found



Then they finally checked the time machine.

Start a new paragraph with this line


Finally, they found him in the boys' bathroom.

Again, start a new paragraph with this line


The ending of the story was again, a little confusing because there was a lot that happened that you smushed into a very small amount of time and sentences. I would advise that you try to add more descriptions to the events at the end of the story, show the readers more of what's happening instead of telling them (show them Billy's turmoil and hard work in rebuilding the time machine for example) and stretch out the end so it flows better and is easier to read and understand.

Lastly, just remember to do more showing than telling. A good trick to help you do this is instead of telling the readers Billy's feelings, try to show them instead without using the word that you're trying to describe in your description. It's a tricky thing to do, but if you get it just right, it can have huge benefits!

I apologize if this review seemed harsh, I did not intend it to be, as you did do a good job on this chapter! Just keep writing and having fun with it!

Until next time,
K.S. Valentine





"Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
— Paul Brandt