if i deep fry my tears will they taste like doughnuts?
sweet and salty
warm and fluffy
like mum's hugs.
eat less oily foods
she'd say
they're better for your skin
leaves it less pimply
but mum
if i keep drinking my tears
i'll be thirsty
they're too salty
she replied
the doughnuts aren't much better
dehydration and unchecked type 2 diabetes
both lead to death
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
The structure and mash of ideas in this poem are both quite random, but I think you've done a good job on blending them and producing a unique result.
I couldn't help but compare this to an eating disorder that may have been brought on due to parental influence. The mild 'nagging' sort of advice the child remembers from her mom about superficial aspects, along with the childish, almost apologetic tone of the child about her feelings and how her way of dealing with is not 'mature' or appropriate to keep her body, beauty and health in check points to my inference.
I like the slightly nonsensical train of thought that is very realistic during a mental breakdown, when your brain thinks random thoughts perhaps to distract from melancholia.
Whatever the child does, her mom finds fault within it. Even her own thoughts are subjected to policing by the 'advice' of her mom, which only serves to leave her in a more emotionally vulnerable state.
The child misses her mother's affection but can't help reprimanding herself in place of her mother.
I still don't understand the significance of the death part, so would be great if you could explain.
All I can add is to slightly improve punctuation (except capitalization because the lack of it portrays a stray train of thought well).
Quite nice poem, 8/10, <333
Hellloo I'm Ash and I would like to provide a short review because I'm at school and I'll get sued/j.
Soo I really liked this. I kind of relate to the feeling of trying to make my pain better, like how instead of doughnuts I started cutting because that numbed the physical pain, but I started to understand that that was just as bad. I really like the analogies and comparisons of tears and doughnuts, and how no matter what it will be bad. I have trouble letting my emotions out as well.
Anyway, I really like this poem. One detail you could add was more subtlety? Like hinting to the details instead of straight out putting them?
Overall it was rly good :3
-Ash