Under the starry sky
You told me to try
And catch a glimpse
Of the silvery nymphs.
I looked heavenwards
And thought of leavensworth
I saw no nymphs
And took a hint
That you meant the clouds.
I began to pout
You laughed out loud
And I loved that sound.
But neither of us heard
The branch that fell with a thud .
While my vision blurred
I looked around
And saw not you
But a face turned blue.
I shouted your name
And thought it was a game .
But not a sound escaped your lips
I saw something drip
With a bloody red tint
I called out to the gods
And finally caught a glimpse
Of the silvery nymph
Now stained red
I was filled with dread
And called out, "SYLPH!!"
I saw no one but the red nymph.
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140,699 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
Hi there, charvi! Welcome to YWS! ^-^ I hope you love it here!
Love this! This is such a simple moment, but I think it works really well. It gives me a quick glimpse of the relationship between the narrator and the other person before everything goes wrong. Because the language is so direct, it feels very honest and fond, which makes the sudden shift into panic more compelling. I thought that you did well balancing the calmness with the later intense emotions!
I also think the silvery nymph image is interesting because it changes meaning over the course of the poem. At first, it feels like something beautiful and dreamlike, maybe clouds or moonlight, but by the end it becomes something frightening! I had so many different interpretations each time that I reread the poem. I agree with the other reviewer about the idea that perhaps the nymph isn't actually a nymph? That does seem to work well with the redness and the fear that the narrator has!
One thing I’d suggest working on is the rhyme though. There are places where the rhyme gives the poem a nice sing-song rhythm, but sometimes it feels a little forced/pulls attention away from the emotion. For example:
I’m not totally sure what 'leavensworth' means here. If it’s a specific place or reference, then that’s fine, but if it’s mainly there for the rhyme, I think this line might be worth reworking. I don't really think that the rhyme scheme is doing much for the poem!
I think the ending is very powerful and worth keeping, but I wonder if it could be made a little clearer. The poem uses nymphs a lot and then "SYLPH," and I wasn’t completely sure whether the nymph and sylph are meant to be the same thing, or whether the narrator is realizing something new. I think you could bring that idea in much earlier if you think it is meaningful to the poem's reading! But in general, I think your ending could be stronger. For example, the final section could let the horror become apparent, like:
Something like that would flow nicely! Of course, that’s just an example, and you should absolutely keep your own wording though. c:
Overall, I think this poem has a really unique and compelling idea! I love the development from cosmic imagery into something more scary! My main suggestions would be to reconsider a few rhymes that feel less natural and clarify the nymph/sylph image near the end. But! I do think your core idea is already very strong!
I hope this review is helpful <3
Aislynn
Wow...that escalated fast. I love how the rhyme scheme flows when you read it. I think the premise is simple but still quite tragic. Starting out with a joyful and carefree moment between friends or lovers, that just feels like a summer night filled with joy and laughter and what not and then moving to a nymph or some other mythical creature killing the moment and one of the pair is just brutal. I am not caught up on my mythology so I'm not sure if that was a nymph or one of those cannabalistic forest spirits that imitates a beautiful woman which is also what a nymph looks like and the person thought it was a nymph? But regardless of that, this is such a good piece with how the death was shown through the blue skin of someone dying and the red of the nymph from the blood of the friend. It's absolute cinema and I can't wait to see more.