This is my translation of the poem Desa Charitralu(History of Nations) by Srirangam Srinivasa Rao . Who was famous by his pen name Sri Sri. This is very famous work Sri Sri who has revolutionized Telugu poetry by breaking chains of meter and popularized free verse in Telugu. he was called Maha Kavi which means greatest poet. This poem is originally written on 10-04-1938 by Sri Sri . It was published in the collection poems called Mahaprasthanam(The Great Journey) which is an epoch making book in my mother tongue Telugu. He is my favorite poet. But nobody tried to translate his greatest work into English. So my ambition as writer is to translate Mahaprasthanam into english. This is the first step. THIS IS NOT A FINAL VERSION OF THE POEM. I WILL IMPROVE IT AS MANY TIMES AS REQUIRED.
HISTORIES
Let us take history of any nation
Nothing is there to take pride in
The entire human history is,
History of mere oppression
~
The entire human history is
A mere Mutual Exploitation
The entire human history is,
Bathed in blood of war
~
In nature, destructive
In form, demonic
The entire human history is
Poor get downtrodden
~
Strong enslaved weak
Cut throats became kings
Brutes rose to power and
Famous they became in history
~
Nobody can find a country
Where a war never happened
Not even a single country
All the past is soaked in tears if not blood
~
Bonds which were broken
Families wrecked by endless war
Death of Masses, Screams of helpless
Are dwelling hidden deep in the history
~
Enmity, Selfishness
Conspiracy, Jealousy
With deception and with aliases
Decided the course of history
~
Alexander, Attila, Genghis khan,
Tamerlane, Mussolini, Hitler
Names are various but acts are same
Each is a one of a kind murderer
~
Vikings, White Huns
Scythians, Persians
Mongols and Thugs
Built a bridge to damnation
~
In the dark ages of ignorance and brutality
They were hungry and desperate, just to live
They were led by mysterious forces
To survive the barbaric world
~
With only the thoughts of self interest
With the only dream to be lords of paramount
They started forming empires that are vast
They started creating laws that are synthetic
~
Down they fell like
The gazelle to lion
From the clash of powers
Born is history
~
Deception from ages
Domination of the strong
Ploys of the rich
There are outdated now!
~
The way of the world to let
One man exploits the other
One race exploits the other
Still..., no it’s over now
~
A Chinese Rickshaw Puller,
A Miner of Czech,
An Irish Sailor,
All the oppressed
~
Hottentots, Zulu, Negro
All the races over continents
Will shout as one
The historical truth
~
Reasons for wars,
Reigns of empires,
Dates and Documents
Are they the true history? NO!
~
A queen’s Romance
Cost of a Siege
Papers, Presentations and Thesis
Are they the true history? No! Never
~
All the stories that are hidden deep
In the Dark corners of History
Torn out pages,
Long gone legends
~
Forgotten they are
We need them now…
Aye we do need them now
Can truth be buried forever? No! Not forever
~
What was the life of a villager
In the great civilization of The Nile valley?
What was the story of the workers whose
Sweat and blood built the Great Taj Mahal
~
What was the valor of the commoner?
In the conquest of an emperor
We need, not the ruler who rides
But the slave who carries
~
In Taxila, In Athens
On the coast of Mediterranean
In Harappa, In Babylon
In the caves of the Cro-Magnon
~
What is the progression of man’s story?
In the dawn and dusk of history
What country? What time?
What is its ultimate achievement?
~
What sculpture? , What Literature?
What Science? , What art?
To what glory is this great journey?
What Dream? , What victory?
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello.
Seeing as this is a translation, not an original, I'll be reviewing it a little differently. You had an original base to work from, so you're very limited in terms of what you can do. But you can also have a lot of play with translations, and people do prefer different translations over others. I'm also bilingual, so I understand knowing two languages and the fun of getting it right across both.
The first thing I ever look at for translations is I try and figure out what the feeling of the poem is I have to get across. This keeps me from going a literal translation, and instead focusing on the adjustments I have to make to regionalize the words themselves.
Right now, it feels like the original feeling of the poem is lost. It bounced along and I could tell what the poem was supposed to make me feel— supposed to make me feel that everyone is evil, that no one culture is better than another, but the poem doesn't really have the regionalized aspect to it I look for in translations. Right now, there's emphasis and repetition that feels like it meant something in the original, but in the English version, it's lacking.
So that's my advice to you. Focus on the feeling first, instead of the words. Make sure you're translating the original intent instead of just the poem. Because right now, the feeling and heart is lacking. It's a good translation in the form it makes sense, but it's missing the true regionalization that makes for great translations.
Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Hi there charvaka! Niteowl here to review this poem!
First off, as a retired mod, I feel like I should explain one of YWS's rules regarding plagiarism. I noticed that in your description you said this was a translation of a famous poem in Telugu. Since it's your translation, it doesn't count as plagiarism, but I do think you need a more clear attribution in the work itself. Readers don't always see the description, so someone could easily get confused and report you for plagiarism.
Okay, now on to the review. Since I know this is a translated work, I'm going to focus less on the content of the poem and more on the structure and word choice.
The first major thing I notice is the punctuation. It's mostly lacking, and this makes it hard to read in English. In poetry, the rules for punctuation can vary from standard English, but this reads like a more narrative poem, so I would use standard punctuation. A good rule of thumb is to notice where you take a pause or breath, since that's probably where you want to put a comma or period. You can read more about the different types of punctuation in poetry here: Punctuation in Poetry
Here there's punctuation, but the question marks are on the wrong lines. The lines make a whole sentence, so the question mark should be at the end. I made some minor corrections in bold.
I feel like this section may benefit from less of a word-for-word translation and a little artistic license to get the message across better. What sounds beautiful in one language probably won't be if you translate literally to another, especially ones that are as different as English and Telugu.
Here, what I notice are the repetition of adverbs "merely" and "entirely". They're also at the end of the line, making them stick out even more. In English (I have no clue about Telugu honestly), adverbs are considered weak words, along with adjectives. When I write, I try to use more verbs and nouns to create a strong image in people's minds. The last line in this section does that...I can almost see the blood of centuries past.
If I were to rewrite this, I would cut down the use of adverbs to focus on the stronger words in the poem. I would also reserve the end-of line space for stronger words, the ones you want the audience to focus on. Maybe something like this:
Human history is oppression,
merely mutual exploitation.
The entire human history
is bathed in the blood of war.
That's just a suggestion, but I would think about what words you use, what order you use them in, and put your strongest words at the end of the line. I feel like I've rambled long enough, but if you want more advice, just let me know. Keep writing!
Hi,
@niteowl,
Thank you very much for spending time to review my poem. I am very new to the English literature. I wrote mostly essays, speeches and very few poems (four) in English. I am more of a speaker than a writer. I joined this website to improve my writing skills. I have taken a liking to the community here at YWS . Everyone here is pretty awesome and friendly. You are generous @niteowl. You taught quite a few new things about English with your review. I do not know adverbs are weak words in English. In Telugu they are not very strong but strong enough and they rhyme. I am trying to learn meter recently. But I always write free verse. Your advice about punctuation is very useful for me. About the question marks i think it was MS Word's correction system. Instead of ignoring I might have selected corrections. Once again thank you very much for the review . Have a nice day.
Hi,
@niteowl,
Thank you very much for spending time to review my poem. I am very new to the English literature. I wrote mostly essays, speeches and very few poems (four) in English. I am more of a speaker than a writer. I joined this website to improve my writing skills. I have taken a liking to the community here at YWS . Everyone here is pretty awesome and friendly. You are generous @niteowl. You taught quite a few new things about English with your review. I do not know adverbs are weak words in English. In Telugu they are not very strong but strong enough and they rhyme. I am trying to learn meter recently. But I always write free verse. Your advice about punctuation is very useful for me. About the question marks i think it was MS Word's correction system. Instead of ignoring I might have selected corrections. Once again thank you very much for the review . Have a nice day.
Hi,
@niteowl,
Thank you very much for spending time to review my poem. I am very new to the English literature. I wrote mostly essays, speeches and very few poems (four) in English. I am more of a speaker than a writer. I joined this website to improve my writing skills. I have taken a liking to the community here at YWS . Everyone here is pretty awesome and friendly. You are generous @niteowl. You taught quite a few new things about English with your review. I do not know adverbs are weak words in English. In Telugu they are not very strong but strong enough and they rhyme. I am trying to learn meter recently. But I always write free verse. Your advice about punctuation is very useful for me. About the question marks i think it was MS Word's correction system. Instead of ignoring I might have selected corrections. Once again thank you very much for the review . Have a nice day.
Hi,
@niteowl,
Thank you very much for spending time to review my poem. I am very new to the English literature. I wrote mostly essays, speeches and very few poems (four) in English. I am more of a speaker than a writer. I joined this website to improve my writing skills. I have taken a liking to the community here at YWS . Everyone here is pretty awesome and friendly. You are generous @niteowl. You taught quite a few new things about English with your review. I do not know adverbs are weak words in English. In Telugu they are not very strong but strong enough and they rhyme. I am trying to learn meter recently. But I always write free verse. Your advice about punctuation is very useful for me. About the question marks i think it was MS Word's correction system. Instead of ignoring I might have selected corrections. Once again thank you very much for the review . Have a nice day.
Hi,
@niteowl,
Thank you very much for spending time to review my poem. I am very new to the English literature. I wrote mostly essays, speeches and very few poems (four) in English. I am more of a speaker than a writer. I joined this website to improve my writing skills. I have taken a liking to the community here at YWS . Everyone here is pretty awesome and friendly. You are generous @niteowl. You taught quite a few new things about English with your review. I do not know adverbs are weak words in English. In Telugu they are not very strong but strong enough and they rhyme. I am trying to learn meter recently. But I always write free verse. Your advice about punctuation is very useful for me. About the question marks i think it was MS Word's correction system. Instead of ignoring I might have selected corrections. Once again thank you very much for the review . Have a nice day.
Hi,
@niteowl,
Thank you very much for spending time to review my poem. I am very new to the English literature. I wrote mostly essays, speeches and very few poems (four) in English. I am more of a speaker than a writer. I joined this website to improve my writing skills. I have taken a liking to the community here at YWS . Everyone here is pretty awesome and friendly. You are generous @niteowl. You taught quite a few new things about English with your review. I do not know adverbs are weak words in English. In Telugu they are not very strong but strong enough and they rhyme. I am trying to learn meter recently. But I always write free verse. Your advice about punctuation is very useful for me. About the question marks i think it was MS Word's correction system. Instead of ignoring I might have selected corrections. Once again thank you very much for the review . Have a nice day.
Hi,
@niteowl,
Thank you very much for spending time to review my poem. I am very new to the English literature. I wrote mostly essays, speeches and very few poems (four) in English. I am more of a speaker than a writer. I joined this website to improve my writing skills. I have taken a liking to the community here at YWS . Everyone here is pretty awesome and friendly. You are generous @niteowl. You taught quite a few new things about English with your review. I do not know adverbs are weak words in English. In Telugu they are not very strong but strong enough and they rhyme. I am trying to learn meter recently. But I always write free verse. Your advice about punctuation is very useful for me. About the question marks i think it was MS Word's correction system. Instead of ignoring I might have selected corrections. Once again thank you very much for the review . Have a nice day.
Hi,
@niteowl,
Thank you very much for spending time to review my poem. I am very new to the English literature. I wrote mostly essays, speeches and very few poems (four) in English. I am more of a speaker than a writer. I joined this website to improve my writing skills. I have taken a liking to the community here at YWS . Everyone here is pretty awesome and friendly. You are generous @niteowl. You taught quite a few new things about English with your review. I do not know adverbs are weak words in English. In Telugu they are not very strong but strong enough and they rhyme. I am trying to learn meter recently. But I always write free verse. Your advice about punctuation is very useful for me. About the question marks i think it was MS Word's correction system. Instead of ignoring I might have selected corrections. Once again thank you very much for the review . Have a nice day.
Hi,
@niteowl,
Thank you very much for spending time to review my poem. I am very new to the English literature. I wrote mostly essays, speeches and very few poems (four) in English. I am more of a speaker than a writer. I joined this website to improve my writing skills. I have taken a liking to the community here at YWS . Everyone here is pretty awesome and friendly. You are generous @niteowl. You taught quite a few new things about English with your review. I do not know adverbs are weak words in English. In Telugu they are not very strong but strong enough and they rhyme. I am trying to learn meter recently. But I always write free verse. Your advice about punctuation is very useful for me. About the question marks i think it was MS Word's correction system. Instead of ignoring I might have selected corrections. Once again thank you very much for the review . Have a nice day.
Hi,
@niteowl,
Thank you very much for spending time to review my poem. I am very new to the English literature. I wrote mostly essays, speeches and very few poems (four) in English. I am more of a speaker than a writer. I joined this website to improve my writing skills. I have taken a liking to the community here at YWS . Everyone here is pretty awesome and friendly. You are generous @niteowl. You taught quite a few new things about English with your review. I do not know adverbs are weak words in English. In Telugu they are not very strong but strong enough and they rhyme. I am trying to learn meter recently. But I always write free verse. Your advice about punctuation is very useful for me. About the question marks i think it was MS Word's correction system. Instead of ignoring I might have selected corrections. Once again thank you very much for the review . Have a nice day.
Hi,
@niteowl,
Thank you very much for spending time to review my poem. I am very new to the English literature. I wrote mostly essays, speeches and very few poems (four) in English. I am more of a speaker than a writer. I joined this website to improve my writing skills. I have taken a liking to the community here at YWS . Everyone here is pretty awesome and friendly. You are generous @niteowl. You taught quite a few new things about English with your review. I do not know adverbs are weak words in English. In Telugu they are not very strong but strong enough and they rhyme. I am trying to learn meter recently. But I always write free verse. Your advice about punctuation is very useful for me. About the question marks i think it was MS Word's correction system. Instead of ignoring I might have selected corrections. Once again thank you very much for the review . Have a nice day.
Hi,
@niteowl,
Thank you very much for spending time to review my poem. I am very new to the English literature. I wrote mostly essays, speeches and very few poems (four) in English. I am more of a speaker than a writer. I joined this website to improve my writing skills. I have taken a liking to the community here at YWS . Everyone here is pretty awesome and friendly. You are generous @niteowl. You taught quite a few new things about English with your review. I do not know adverbs are weak words in English. In Telugu they are not very strong but strong enough and they rhyme. I am trying to learn meter recently. But I always write free verse. Your advice about punctuation is very useful for me. About the question marks i think it was MS Word's correction system. Instead of ignoring I might have selected corrections. Once again thank you very much for the review . Have a nice day.
Hi,
@niteowl,
Thank you very much for spending time to review my poem. I am very new to the English literature. I wrote mostly essays, speeches and very few poems (four) in English. I am more of a speaker than a writer. I joined this website to improve my writing skills. I have taken a liking to the community here at YWS . Everyone here is pretty awesome and friendly. You are generous @niteowl. You taught quite a few new things about English with your review. I do not know adverbs are weak words in English. In Telugu they are not very strong but strong enough and they rhyme. I am trying to learn meter recently. But I always write free verse. Your advice about punctuation is very useful for me. About the question marks i think it was MS Word's correction system. Instead of ignoring I might have selected corrections. Once again thank you very much for the review . Have a nice day.
Hi,
@niteowl,
Thank you very much for spending time to review my poem. I am very new to the English literature. I wrote mostly essays, speeches and very few poems (four) in English. I am more of a speaker than a writer. I joined this website to improve my writing skills. I have taken a liking to the community here at YWS . Everyone here is pretty awesome and friendly. You are generous @niteowl. You taught quite a few new things about English with your review. I do not know adverbs are weak words in English. In Telugu they are not very strong but strong enough and they rhyme. I am trying to learn meter recently. But I always write free verse. Your advice about punctuation is very useful for me. About the question marks i think it was MS Word's correction system. Instead of ignoring I might have selected corrections. Once again thank you very much for the review . Have a nice day.
Hi,
@niteowl,
Thank you very much for spending time to review my poem. I am very new to the English literature. I wrote mostly essays, speeches and very few poems (four) in English. I am more of a speaker than a writer. I joined this website to improve my writing skills. I have taken a liking to the community here at YWS . Everyone here is pretty awesome and friendly. You are generous @niteowl. You taught quite a few new things about English with your review. I do not know adverbs are weak words in English. In Telugu they are not very strong but strong enough and they rhyme. I am trying to learn meter recently. But I always write free verse. Your advice about punctuation is very useful for me. About the question marks i think it was MS Word's correction system. Instead of ignoring I might have selected corrections. Once again thank you very much for the review . Have a nice day.
Hi,
@niteowl,
Thank you very much for spending time to review my poem. I am very new to the English literature. I wrote mostly essays, speeches and very few poems (four) in English. I am more of a speaker than a writer. I joined this website to improve my writing skills. I have taken a liking to the community here at YWS . Everyone here is pretty awesome and friendly. You are generous @niteowl. You taught quite a few new things about English with your review. I do not know adverbs are weak words in English. In Telugu they are not very strong but strong enough and they rhyme. I am trying to learn meter recently. But I always write free verse. Your advice about punctuation is very useful for me. About the question marks i think it was MS Word's correction system. Instead of ignoring I might have selected corrections. Once again thank you very much for the review . Have a nice day.