Published April 14, 2009
These walls contain me,
as my life comes to a close
they pull me from my destiny,
and hold me from my fate.
my fists are no match;
and my scarred wrists,
hold no strength.
to break down the barricades,
and free myself at last.
I feel the wicked eyes of my captors
watching.
beholding my fate
that once seemed so far
these walls
that surround me
and haunt me
with the things I've done
reflect my mistakes
as though I'm living them again
to them I had no past,
and now I have no future
so I stay
hidden behind these walls
and wonder if the world
has changed
since I left it
I sit.
inside these walls
and wonder
inside these walls,
that contain me
these walls,
that protect me.
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140,548 Literary Works • 673,419 Reviews
Hi, I'm Rena.
So, I really liked this. It was nice but truthfully, towards the middle some of the stanzas had a few too many words that sort of threw off the poem a bit.
Ummm,
But other than that, it was good. So keep up the good work!
Bye!
love it
Hey, great poem, full of emotion, the usual emotions that an average teen might feel. But personally, maybe you could change the context of it? Rather than setting it in your normal setting, why not set it in somewhere else, something else? Maybe write about tunas a can of tunas, im sure they'll feel the same way. Makes it more interesting you know. But even if you dont change it, its still great. Emotion-full. xD Write on!
Hi, my name is Destinee as you can see.
This poem just caught my attention. . .
I really loved this stanza
[quote]I feel the wicked eyes of my captors
watching.
beholding my fate
that once seemed so far
escape is not an option,
for my heart is just too weak
The words just stood out to me. Good job I really liked it.
Kind of raw you know?
It has potential, but there are several things I think you could improve on.
Firstly, there are a few places where you don't actually complete the thought you start out with. "My fists are no match," for example. Since you don't appear to be adhering to a specific form, I think you could probably finish these sentences; it would make the grammar-nazi in me happy, anyway XD
Similarly, you need to watch your punctuation - it's rather sporadic. Most of the poem is well-punctuated, but occasionally you leave out a full stop where you need one etc. (e.g. at the end of the first stanza).
From "I sit" to the end of the poem, I think you're pretty much adding nothing to it; a better place to end would be after "since I left it" - it has much more emotional impact, in my opinion. Also, the stanza "Escape is not an option" merely repeats what we know already, so you could probably cut that too.
As for the subject matter, it's interesting and carries a lot of emotional weight, but it's being obscured by repetition and lack of clarity. Cut down on your excess verbiage and refine your ideas a little more, and I think you'll have an excellent poem here.
Cheers,
~bubbles
This peice is very good and deep.It seems to hold more then most do.
If I may, I would suggest that you CAP. more in it. Try using more periods in this peice. I could not find the start of many sentances.
Maybe you could add more into it. Like how the mood is in the room that is containing you.
This peice is a very interseting topic and it contains so much.
What pushed you to this point? What inspired you?
Many people will ask these things and I am one of the many
Very strong. Sounds like something I'd write about.
Very strong. I liked your sense of imagery. Awesome!!
Wow! I think this holds many emtions. From hurt and anger. To some sort of joy and comfort. I really enjoyed reading this.
But when I was reading towards the middle it confused me a little. I dont know if it was because I wasnt getting the poem or if it was how you worded it. All in all the was uplifting in many ways.
Keep writing and look over your work.
Hey, I'm Mia and I will be reviewing this today.
I'm not too good at poetry grammar, but I'm sure the first letter of the word 'these' should be capitalised.
The word 'to' in the second line should be 'too'.
Capitalise the 'i' in the last line.
Overall
This was a great poem. I could understand every word and nothing was too hard to understand (a problem I sometimes have with poetry). Hoever, also at the same time it wasn't simple.
If you correct the things I pointed out above, you have an awesome poem on your hands.
Keep up the great work.
xxmimixx
Hello! Yay, I'm the first to review!
I think you need some sort of punctuation after 'match' and 'strength'... after 'match' could maybe be a semi- colon or just add an 'and' before the 'my' on the next line. I hope that makes sense
As for the punctuation after 'strength', you should probably have a period.
You said 'capturers' when that isn't even a word xD. Try 'captors'.
Also, I think you need a semi- colon, or a colon after 'far' on the last line
'To' needs to be 'too'. Add a period at the end!
Always, always, always remember to capitalize your I's! It is an important part of editing and revising, so watch for those types of mistakes. I know it can get annoying sometimes, to capitalize them every time, but it is just basic grammar.
A great poem altogether! I liked it, mostly because it spoke truly. You definitely need just a tad bit more punctuation, and capitalization. Work on it!