It's Not The Same
As it was before
Before you left
That place is sworn with guilt
And laced with venomous fluid
I wish we could go back there alone
But the whole world knows
It will never be the same
If there was a will
If there was a way
It might have worked but you didn't stay.
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Canary word: Present
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
This will be a short review, because there's not that much I can say! I have no nitpicks with it, as poetry can be written however you like. It all flowed well when I read it, each line transitioning smoothly to the next. I liked the rhyming at the end, since there isn't any at the beginning, it makes the end really stand out. And of course, 'if there is a will, there is a way' was an excellent quote to choose, it added quite a bit of emotion to the piece. Thank you for sharing this, charlottewunder!
Atsmai here for a quick review on review day!
First off, at the end of the poem there's a period, but really, you should use punctuation, or don't use it at all. In punctuation I mean if you're going to put a period at the end, put a period everywhere else, too. Keep it consistent.
Maybe use some more description in the poem? Because there isn't really any description to make me feel the poetry. There aren't characters in poetry or anything like that, you can't win me over like that, there is description and the theme and message and you have to try and strengthen those instead of just writing it without description.
There's also a rhyme that I want to nitpick about at the end.
If you're going to rhyme, maybe do a rhyme pattern all the way through it? Just wanted to note that.
Have a great day!
Hey there Charlotte. Just lizzy stopping by for a quick review. I'm a little rusty at reviewing poems so just hang in there.
1. Welcome to YWS. I guessing this is your first published poem on YWS. If so congrats. Now let the reviewing begin.
My first problem is with the flow and punctuation. You have one period overall. For the flow that you are looking for I would get rid of the period completely. There is one other option, split it into several different sentences. You will have to decide where to split them depending on how you would like it to be read. If you take this option, you will have to change quite a few uppercase letters to lowercase.
My first recommendation for a period would be after the first before.
2. The repetition and unnecessary caps is driving me as a reader crazy. I can see that it was for emphasis but it's a little excessive in such a short poem. Please consider revising.
3. Overall I liked your poem. If you fix those little mistakes it should be alright. Like I said this was just going to be a quick review.
Have a Happy New Year!
-lizzy
Ooo, I loved the ending. It's strong and it gives everyone a kick and I love that. You also created great imagery with the 'venomous fluid' and 'sworn with guilt.' Really shows how you're feeling. But I do think the double before's makes the poem trip a little at the beginning. I'd suggest making it smoother? Other than that I love it(: