​The Madonna that never exists

Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
This was an interesting poem. I liked the middle part of it the best, where you switch around the old "wolf in sheep's clothing" to "sheep covered wolves", it sounds very cool. While I did like this general sound that your poem had, I felt like it was kind of all over the place. This may be due mainly to the structure of the poem. I suggest coupling the lines together to make stanzas. I feel like this may help readers understand how you organized your thoughts on this topic.
I had a few other suggestions to make, too. Your first two lines rhymed, which bothered me a little, since none of the rest of the poem rhymed. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but I would still recommend breaking up the lines in a different way so that the rhyme is eliminated. Also with the beginning, I'm not quite sure where you're coming up with this sea theme. It seems to sort of come out of nowhere, and there's no explanation as to why the catastrophe must be a myth in the sea. I suggest adding a bit more to explain that.
Another part that bothered me a little was in the middle part, where you said "... flesh covered vampires/that suck me, alas, in hell." I don't think the alas is necessary in this situation. If a vampire were sucking you, I think it would be unfortunate in any situation, whether it were in hell or not wouldn't matter.
Anyways, sorry if that sounded a little harsh. I think you have a good idea here that with a little bit of polishing could shine very brightly. Good work.
herbgirl

most of my students will not love this poem but it is well composed anyway.

i wondered what gave you the inspiration to write this poem, i must commend your effort because it is not bed of roses to write any creative work of this nature. as a published author in Nigeria, i always advice writers to work on the style of writing.

i think you should work on that, if you must be ahead of other writers.


This Madonna and Child catastrophe

Is it real or just a myth in the sea?

A new atlantis

or an old song?

Nightmares not caught by dreamcatchers

still haunting, and haunting.

Sheep covered wolves

or flesh covered vampires

that suck me, alas, in hell.

Love and kindness

encouragement and sentimentality

a Madonna should have

instead

she tells the child to shut it

and goes off

dancing.

Let start the review:

(you missed words up, try and arrange your work properly before posting it to the site)

your poetry has no message that interest the readers - i wasn't impressed at all. it is your job to inspire your readers.

The poem doesn't follow the rule of English Language as well as writing. i recommed you sign in for creative writing class.

I can introduce you to a good one.

All the same, you are a great writer with passion. keep the fire burning, never stop writing.

Your Friend
nwakaemechinonso12

Hi this is Shakthi here for a review...

To begin with, i just want say to that, "the corporal punishment you got from your mom worth a lot " because your work is nicely said.

"Sheep covered wolves or flesh covered vampires???" How can you bring up this comparison? It's so nice actually.

Your poem reminds me of my childhood days when i was wondering about "wandering like a mermaid" in its depth.

The things i can say for your improvement in your work is just that, you can improve the use of punctuations in it for better readability.

Other than that, i enjoyed your work.

Happy writing!