Published February 15, 2017
Looking, glaring,
I see him across the room.
My heart flutters a sweet melody inside my chest,
A strong desire to meet with him soon.
Looking, glaring
I walk.
I walk past them,
The people and the hurtful way they talk.
Looking, glaring,
I feel his strong presence
In my very bones
I lean closer into his arms without hesitance.
Looking, staring,
They watch us dance the night away.
People and the hurtful way they talk
Just make me wish he could stay.
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140,181 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Hi man I just wanted to begin my review with the fact that your overall concept is very well done and projected a good image in my mind. Your message of two lovers who are ridiculed on wanting to be together has been done before, but the way you repeated the words "Looking, glaring" or "Looking, staring" emphasized the distaste from the people. Which I like.
The only technical issue I have is with the last line, "Just make me wish he could stay". For me it doesn't sound quite right if you read the previous lines.
"They watch us dance the night away.
People and the hurtful way they walk
Just make me wish he could stay."
I would suggest changing "make" to "makes" to make it sound a bit more correct and fluid. To me this sounds correct, I could be wrong though.
So you would have this
"They watch us dance the night away.
People and the hurtful way they talk
Just makes me wish he could stay".
Overall this was a very well-done poem and although the idea of star-crossed lovers has been done to oblivion I feel like this one was better than some I have read due to its simplicity. It is not exaggerated to the point where it's cliche, it is simple enough to where it is realistic and easy to relate to. I hope my advice helps and I would love to see more of your work soon!
Thank you so much for reviewing my poem, it is my first so I'm pleased you liked the simplicity which is what I was going for. I totally agree with your recommendation on the last line, I will change that
Thank you again
You're welcome! And I'm glad you found my advice helpful!
Hello!
I'd like to start off this review by saying that I really enjoyed this. The obvious distaste your protagonist has for society is admirable. I love the idea of this secret, somewhat forbidden love, and the repetition of the "looking, glaring" and "looking, staring" describes perfectly society's reaction to your narrator's actions.
If I could make one suggestion, it would be to add more description. I'm incredibly curious now to know why they aren't supposed to be together, why he can't stay (which you state at the end). The vagueness, while beautifully poetic, makes me crave for more detail. I suppose though, as an author, that was what you might have been going for, in which case I applaud you.
Well done!!
- wildlyabstract
Thank you so much this made me so happy that you liked it! I agree, more description would have been better but I may make a second part to this poem- is that allowed? Haha, thank you
I'm glad! You should totally make a part two, I would love to read it!!
I added stanzas but they've gone haha.
They're meant to occur before every line 'Looking, glaring/staring'.