TWO
Days proceeded to weeks of stimulating adventures and valuable time spent with him. Everyday we become closer and it makes me feel at ease, like I am never going to lose him as my best friend. Sitting impatiently I keep glancing at the clock above my desk; I'm desperate for 9:00am to arrive and it is currently 8:42am. I spin around on my chair to open my curtains and pause to immediately be reminded of the memory when Ethan and I built a den out of his bed sheets and curtains and his dad becoming extremely angry. I feel a wave of anxiety flood through my body and my heart begins to pound. He was terrifying. The doorbell rings, "CONNOR!" mum shouts as soon as she hears it.
"Hold on!" I reply, grabbing my flip-flops from beneath my bed along with some sun cream and of course my friendship band, I couldn't go to meet Ethan without that. In fact, I couldn't go anywhere without it. I slam my bedroom door behind me as I sprint down the two flights of stairs which lead to the kitchen. My eyes scan the man stood by the door; he’s wearing vibrant red clothing and a black hat. It’s the postman. My cheesy grin instantly turns into to a look of disgust. I pull up my sleeve to take a look at my watch: 8:55am. I sigh and soon realise that my face doesn't look appealing towards the man but I can't help it. I thought he was Ethan. "This is for you, young man." he says in a deep, fruity voice. I can barely hear him; he's talking through his teeth. Was this because of the way I looked at him? He hands me a parcel and I grab it and politely say thank you, trying desperately hard to fake a smile. He turns his back sharply and walks out the door, "What was that all about, Connor?" mum asks whilst putting her hands on her hips harshly. My brain scans for answers and I quickly think of a justified excuse, "Well, I thought the package would have been bigger. I- I was expecting something bigger". Before she had time to answer the phone begins to ring and Dad rushes to answer it. I drop the package onto the table next to me and run to the door. I listen intently through the gap, "Yes." "No worries, Bro" Wait, are we not going to meet Ethan? My heart begins to sink and my face slides into a frown. He walks into the kitchen and says "Let's hit the beach kids!" whilst giggling to himself.
"What about Ethan?" I exclaim, my head shaking slightly and my arms turned upwards in front of me and a worried expression on my face.
"His dad's running late. He said they will meet us there." I smile instantly and rush out the door. Walking to the beach without him seems odd; I haven't done so in 5 years. I then realise I'm thinking about him again which I have promised myself I won't when I’m not with him. I can't.
I have been sitting on the damp golden sand for precisely 34 minutes and 45 seconds. Where is he? I look up to the beautiful, clear sky above and stretch my legs out in front of me with my arms supporting my back. I take a deep breath and allow the waves to immerse me into a world of tranquillity and calm. The sea water gently tickles my feet as it travels slowly up the shore only to be dragged back down again by the tide.
I hear voices behind me; I instantly turn my head to see Ethan and his dad walking down towards our spot on the beach. My heart flutters and nerves run through my body, my legs pick me up quickly and start running towards him. I notice that he is holding a plastic sword; we play pirates every time we come here. It's a tradition. I'm smiling so much my cheeks begin to ache. He opens his arms out as I run into them. He smells strongly of something; I can't think what it is. It’s very overpowering as if he has just jumped into a swimming pool of the scent. We pull away from each other and continue to walk towards our parents, they are talking intently but Ethan's dad seems to consistently stutter and make weird sounds almost as if he is gargling. It may just be the background noise of the sea, how would I know?
"I'm so glad that you waited, I'm sorry we were late." he apologises.
"I've been counting down for..." I glance at my watch, "35 minutes now!" I giggle as he lightly punches my arm. A shock of electricity feels as if it has travelled through my skin to my fingertips. I gasp and try to disguise it with a cough and luckily he doesn't notice and begins to run off as he always does. “Come on!” he shouts whilst still holding the eye contact; he looks nervous. Perhaps he feels the same as me as I do about him? I instantly stop my thoughts by beginning to run and think of nothing but the pure beauty of the beach.
After two hours of playing on the beach Ethan suggests we walk to his house and watch T.V, of course I agree and we begin to walk along the stranded road leading to his house. He opens his front door and we walk into the living room what looked like a recycling bin; bottles everywhere. Ethan runs through the house and up the stairs. As I follow him I notice smears along the walls of brightly coloured fluids and stained carpets of red dyes. Maybe this was paint? After all, his father is a decorator in that sense. “Sorry about the mess,” he says looking at the floor beneath him. He looks embarrassed and I can’t stand him feeling this way, “I didn’t notice a thing!” I imply, trying to laugh in order to make him feel better. He slowly opens his bedroom door; I scan the room and form my lips in the shape of an O. Ethan completely ignores this and sits down on the sofa diagonally across from his bed, grabs the T.V remote and looks at me. I quickly sit down next to him and smile. He smiles back and I get the feeling again. His beautiful blue eyes squint slightly and his blonde eyebrows rise to form light wrinkles on his small forehead. Dimples form in his rosy cheeks.
When the T.V eventually turns on he sits back and turns his head to look at the T.V. I scan the room and notice that there wasn’t one object that hadn’t been touched. His mirror that was once hung behind his bed was shattered into millions of pieces and poorly hid behind his dresser, the maps torn off his walls and the books thrown off the shelves. I really want to ask what has happened but since he obviously tried to hide it maybe he doesn’t want to tell me. Maybe he fell or slipped and accidently caused all this damage? Or he may have even got angry, but I can’t imagine him doing anything like this.
“I’m bored,” he exclaims “Wanna make a den?” he smirks at me.
“But remember last time, your dad?” he instantly shakes his head and frowns,
“He’s not here, it’s fine.” He gets up from the sofa and grabs his sheets. We begin to make the fort; giggling and laughing whilst doing so.
Eventually we are able to sit inside it. We are playing with our finger puppets and we hold our hands together for short while; our fingers are interlinked and I can feel an electric current between us. We make eye contact and I start to get weird feelings that I’ve never really experienced like this before. It’s only my best friend? Why do I feel like this?
Hours pass and we decide to go back to the beach to meet our parents again. I haven’t taken my eyes off him the whole way from his house to here and I don’t intend to. We both start to hear voices and this connection is lost. I look in front of me to see Ethan’s dad violently pushing mine whilst swearing repetitively. Ethan sprints and the speed causes sand particles to brush into the air rapidly, making it harder for me to see. “DAD!” he cries, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” He attempts to pull him off and hold his fists to stop him. As I eventually reach them his dad begins to walk off and Ethan does also, I run to hug my dad and feel his heart beat against my ear. I’m looking at Ethan, he’s looking at me. His father seems careless, almost out of control. He drops a bottle on the sand and the liquid inside it sprays out at our umbrella, it smells how Ethan did today. I try to recall all the memories we made today to block out the fear. Today was amazing; I wish it could have lasted longer.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello there, charlottejoness! Happy almost end of Review Day!!!
Right off the bat, I can see that your paragraphs are too long. It's a good idea to have middle-length or short paragraphs in novels, to keep a good pace going and not bore the reader. Also, you should always start a new paragraph when a new person talks. For example, in your last paragraph, Ethan screams at his dad. A new paragraph should have started when he began screaming. You did a good job at paragraphing in the middle though, so try to apply that to the rest of the chapter.
Connor is a really well-developed character. I like the odd backstory you included throughout the chapter, which added reasons to the way he acts. I also enjoyed the odd details throughout, such as the friendship bracelet he wouldn't go anywhere without.
I have been sitting on the damp golden sand for precisely 34 minutes and 45 seconds. Where is he?
This was a great transition between scenes. It shows how impatient your main character is getting, and why they've got a reason to be so.
He opens his front door and we walk into the living room what looked like a recycling bin; bottles everywhere.
You should say 'the living room WHICH looked like a recycling bin'.
The only major thing I think you should change (apart from paragraphing) is the fight scene between their fathers. It was all very sudden. Maybe they could see it from a distance, before they're 'in front' of the two, and drag the scene out a little more. Add some tension when they first meet at the beach as well, maybe.
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much for your review, I will try to improve my next chapter
Hello,
Here I am, ready to deliver my promised review!
So this chapter was delightful—better than the first. You're making excellent strides. I'm so happy to see you heeded a lot of the advice I gave in my previous review. Your punctuation has already improved quite a bit, and that's something to be proud of.
I'm really enjoying the direction this story is going. Connor and Ethan are adorable together—I'm strongly shipping them, I'll admit. They're both so sweet, and the way you've portrayed Connor (earnest, a bit naïve, hopelessly smitten) makes me really root for him. One suggestion: I would like to see some of Connor outside of his relationship with Ethan. Who is he when not in Ethan's presence? What non-Ethan things does he enjoy? Does he have other friends, or people in his life? You're probably already planning on showing more of Connor, sans Ethan, in future chapters, but I thought I should mention this all the same.
Your imagery, for the most part, is very good. Succinct and clear. The description you gave of the beach and the water as it drifted over Connor was lovely. I also thought highly of the imagery for Ethan's house—I could picture everything you described. Speaking of which, I'm really interested now in knowing more about Ethan's home life. What you've hinted at here makes me feel awful for Ethan, and for Connor by extent. (I also appreciate that you've only hinted at it so far—revealing those types of things should be done with care, slowly and subtly, and that's exactly what you're doing.) You really seem to be setting up a strong plot, and that's key. These first few chapters should be all about paving the way for the rest of the book. You're doing a great job at that—and you've also managed to not only lay the groundwork, but keep the story interesting and engaging at the same time. Quite a feat.
I was thinking while I read this how nice it would be if written from both Connor and Ethan's perspectives, switching off every other chapter. However, that could also take away some of the mystique—the big question of, "Does Ethan feel the same way?"—so it may be a better idea in theory than practice.
Anyway, I do have some advice and nitpicks (as always). To start with the advice, one thing I'm sensing is a shyness about using paragraph breaks. You were somewhat stingy with them in this chapter. A general rule is that, after you have a bit of dialogue, you're supposed to hop to a new paragraph rather than continuing in the same one—particularly if more than one character speaks. So, for example, let's say you have a paragraph like this:
My friend Raj suddenly appeared at the park. He waved at me. "Hey, Dana!" I waved back. "Hey, Raj!"
The way that should be written is like so:
My friend Raj suddenly appeared at the park. He waved at me. "Hey, Dana!"
I waved back. "Hey, Raj!"
Note the paragraph break following Raj's dialogue and before Dana's.
If you look at your second paragraph, you'll see that it's rather long, and loaded to bursting with all sorts of things—action, descriptions, and multiple characters speaking. You're going to want to break it up a bit, as well as other paragraphs in this chapter that are similarly long and overstuffed.
Now for some nitpicks:
You can probably get away with leaving off the comma in this instance—it's one of those lines that's not desperately in need of one—but I'd still suggest adding it. The comma should go after "impatiently."
This is a rather long sentence, and it's a bit confusing. Also, when you say "his dad becoming extremely angry," it should be "his dad became extremely angry." Anyway, I think this sentence would benefit from a rewrite. How you choose to rewrite it is your call, but personally, I'd do something like...
"I spin around on my chair to open my curtains—but then I pause, reminded of a memory. Ethan and I had built a den out of his bed sheets and curtains. It was so much fun, up until his dad realized what we'd done. (He was furious.)"
Couple of things here. First, I think this is a good example of where a paragraph break should be—right between "terrifying" and "the doorbell rings." Second, the M in "mum" should be capitalized because in this case, the word "mum" is acting as the character's name. This is the rule: if mum/dad/nana/auntie/etc is preceded by, say, a possessive pronoun (e.g., "my dad"), the first letter is lowercase; if, however, you're referring to a character as mum/dad/nana/auntie/etc, in place of their actual name (e.g., "'Connor!' Mum shouts"), the first letter should be capitalized. ("'Connor!' my mum shouts," on the other hand, would've required that both the M in "my" and M in "mum" be lowercase.)
Lastly, see how you used a comma following "rings"? You shouldn't use a comma to end a sentence right before a bit of dialogue. Really, the only time when a comma should lead into dialogue would be if the line preceding the comma is something like "I said/he said/my friend asked/my mom shouted." Here are some examples of what I mean:
Times When a Comma is Appropriate
So I said to her, "Now THAT'S Italian!"
He turned to me one day and he said, "That's it! I'm quitting professional aquatic ballet."
My friend came up to me and asked, "Can I borrow your iPad?"
Times When a Comma is NOT Appropriate
I ran down the stairs, "Wait! You forgot your purse!"
This should be: I ran down the stairs. "Wait! You forgot your purse!"
I looked up at the sky, "Man, thank God it's Friday."
This should be: I looked up at the sky. "Man, thank God it's Friday."
Sometimes commas are hard, "What to do, what to do?" I ask myself.
This should be: Sometimes commas are hard. "What to do, what to do?" I ask myself.
Should be, "that lead to the kitchen."
Again: The comma following "door" should be a period; the M in "mum" should be capitalized because there's no possessive pronoun preceding it; and also, you use the words "sharply" and "harshly" very close together, which sounds a bit odd. Be stingy with those adjectives and adverbs—less is more.
"Bigger" is repetitive, though I guess I can give you a pass because Connor's nervousness would explain why he's repeating himself. What I can't accept is the fact that the period is outside the quotations. This one's an easy rule: Punctuation always, always, always goes inside the quotation marks.
"Answer" is repetitive.
Because of the way this is written, it's a bit hard to tell who's speaking. Two people? Just Connor's dad? And because it's so confusing, when Connor reacts by assuming they're not going to meet Ethan, it's hard for us—the readers—to figure out why he thinks that.
Also: There should be a period or something after "bro," and (yet again) the comma following "gap" is incorrect.
I know you're good at imagery, and that's likely why I have no tolerance for this bit. It's quite a lengthy, wordy way to show readers that Connor's anxious, and none of it is very effective. It just sounds like he's doing some type of weird, moody dance move. I'd shorten it, remove the excessive use of the word "and," and put in some description that gets across Connor's anxiety in a better, more sensical/clear way.
Comma splice! Change it to a period or semicolon.
This is one of those missing commas that you can sorta get away with, but I'd still recommend adding it. The comma goes after "overpowering."
Run-on. Change the comma following "parents" to an em dash.
Change the comma, again, to an em dash.
The comma here should be a period, and "35" should be "thirty-five."
I'd like to pause here to give you a brief primer on when to use commas in between divided dialogue spoken by one character. What you did with the above—having the comma follow "watch" and lead back into the remainder of Connor's dialogue—is nearly correct, but not quite. The only time this maneuver would be okay is if the first and second part of dialogue are meant to be one sentence, if the first part of the dialogue also ends in a comma, and the second part begins with a lowercase letter. Here're some examples:
Times When a Comma is Appropriate
"Once upon a time," the narrator begins, "in a far-off kingdom at the edge of a wood, there lay a small village."
"Is that," she said, her eyes growing wide, "what I think it is?"
"You have to admit, Chuck," he remarks with a smile, "this is pretty great."
See how, in each of those cases, the first part of dialogue and concluding part of dialogue would, if you remove the "he said/she said" section in between, function as a complete sentence? And how in each example, the first part of dialogue ends with a comma, and the second, concluding part begins with a lowercase letter? Now, if the concluding part began with an uppercase letter, or the first part ended with a period and not a comma, or if the first and second parts didn't go together/work as a whole, coherent sentence on their own, it would not be correct.
I know—it's confusing. But you're welcome to ask me or Google it should you want to write a bit of dialogue this way and be uncertain of how to go about it.
Run-on. Don't be afraid to use shorter sentences—in this case, you could've ended the first part with a period right after "disguise it," and made the second half a bit easier to read by aid of a comma or dash.
Add a comma after "beach," and change the comma following "TV" to a period. Also, you don't really need the dots in between "TV," as the term TV is so ubiquitous now that it's most commonly written without them.
This is written in a very confusing way—it looks like maybe you left off a word? Regardless, I'd change it to:
"He opens his front door and we walk into the living room. I'm stunned to see that it resembles a recycling bin: bottles everywhere."
Comma after "follow him." Also, "brightly-colored" needs a hyphen.
Comma after "says."
I believe you mean "reply," not "imply."
"TV" is repetitive.
Period after "exclaims." Also, I realized belatedly that what I said to you in my previous review was a bit misleading, in regards to pronouns following dialogue. If the pronoun that follows dialogue is connected to that dialogue (e.g., "he said/she asked/they asked"), then it should begin with a lowercase letter. But if it's a sentence that functions on its own and isn't exactly connected to the dialogue, just next to it, then the first letter should be capitalized. In this case, you write a bit of dialogue ("I'm bored") and follow it with "he exclaims," and the first letter of the pronoun is lowercase—which is correct. But then you have another bit of dialogue followed by "he smirks at me," which is not connected to the preceding dialogue—it's a separate, complete sentence that just happens to follow the dialogue. So, in the second, bolded instance, the H in "he" should be capitalized.
Again, I know this is confusing. Blame whoever invented the English language.
The semicolon here should actually be a comma.
We play with our finger puppets.
Just "that I've never really experienced before"; remove "like this."
This is written quite awkwardly. Try:
"He's only my best friend—why do I feel like this?"
"This" should be "the." Also, I'd add a "then" to the beginning of this line.
Should be "repeatedly."
"Repetitively" (or, as it should be: repeatedly) and "rapidly" sound odd this close together. Remember what I said about adverbs and adjectives.
Comma after "them"; change the comma following "also" to a period.
Change the comma following "umbrella" to a period.
"Today" is repetitive.
So! Overall, really nice work with this. You've already made significant improvement since the first chapter, and that's an impressive accomplishment. This story is off to a great start. I'm looking forward to seeing more.
Well done!