Thanks to everyone that gave me some suggestions, and I hope you enjoy the revised version :)
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Chapter One
I woke to the bright sun rising above the mountains surrounding my village.
“Halick, breakfast’s ready!” My sister yelled from the other room. I rolled out of bed and forced myself into my clothes. Pulling on my soft cotton shirt, and hooded leather cloak.
“Halick!” Rera yelled again.
“Coming!” I responded, rushing out into the kitchen. Rera held out a plate of warm bread and venison. She had been cooking for us ever since we left the orphanage. Our parents died when we were young, and we were stuck in an orphanage. We escaped four years ago, and had been living in Eskend since.
“Thanks sis,” I said around my food.
“We’re running low on food, try to catch something today.” I nodded.
“I can probably get something, is Kerest back yet?” Kerest was an old Rune Master. He had taken Rera as his apprentice a while back, and had been slowly teaching her bits of magic.
“He is, got back yesterday. I really hope this works, the King’s men are coming soon, and if I don’t make it it’s another four years before I can go.”
“Good luck,” I said, then swallowed the last of my breakfast. Rera tossed me a leather sack with some food for lunch, and I grabbed my bow and quiver. With a final goodbye, I headed out. As I walked along the dirt path to the forest, a few shopkeepers said hello, as I was usually around at this time.
“Hey Halick, come here!” Jreg, the owner of the general store, called out. I jogged over to him and he pulled something out from his stand.
“I know it’s been a while, but remember when you helped me fix my fence?” He asked. I nodded.
“Yes, is it holding well?”
“It is, but anyway, I never paid you. To be honest, money’s a little tight. But this isn’t something I need.” He said, pulling a long hunting knife out from behind his stall. I wasn’t an expert, but I knew it was a good knife.
“Thank you,” I said, grasping the hand holding the knife, as was custom when receiving gifts.
“Just remember it tonight at the tavern,” Jreg said with a smile.
“Of course,” I said. With a last goodbye, I pulled my hood up when I entered the forest. I crept along the floor, careful not to make noise. I had been out for around two hours before I spotted a young buck. I pulled out my bow and nocked an arrow. Aiming it carefully, I shot it off. It hit it in the side and it yelped in pain. I sprung up and sprinted towards its retreating form, trying to not lose track of it. Even though it was a fatal shot, it was easy to lose prey if you didn’t follow it. A wolf suddenly jumped out of the trees and tackled it, killing it swiftly. I quickly stopped, stumbling forwards a little. I nocked another arrow, and aimed it at the snarling animal. Then, for some reason, I had the urge to ask it nicely to leave.
“Look, if I didn’t shoot it, you wouldn’t have caught it. It’s my kill.” For a while nothing happened, then the wolf snorted, and shook its head. My eyes went wide. Did it just laugh at me?
“Hey! It’s mine, scram!” It snorted again. I briefly considered shooting it. It would be one less wolf, and I got the buck. But, looking at it once more, I knew I couldn’t. It wasn’t that it was cute, or young, or a parent. No, it was that it hadn’t tried to kill me. I’m not sure I would survive if it decided to kill me. “Come on!” I yelled. This time the wolf, just turned around and left. I stared at it as it disappeared into the forest. Why in the Nine Hells did it just leave me with this much food?
***
Rera placed a plate of venison in front of me with a smile.
“I can’t believe you killed this, it’s huge!”
“I’m telling you, the wolf killed. There’s no way I could have caught it after I shot it.”
“Hal, do you really expect me to believe a wolf jumped out of the trees, killed it, and left? I’m not that young anymore!” I shook my head.
“I’m not kidding, but its fine if you don’t believe me. Anyway, how much of this are we selling?”
“Most of it probably, hopefully I pass the Mage’s test and we can go live in the city. I think the Academy of Rune Mastery is in Aethold.”
“I’ve always wanted to go to Aethold, heard there’s lots of honest work.” We could live pretty well. Isn’t it illegal to hunt in those parts though? Rera nodded.
“Yeah, if you don’t have permission, it’s punishable by a year in prison.”
“Well, hopefully I get permission.”
“Well, I’m going on up to bed,” She said, standing up. I quickly finished my dinner and handed her my plate.
“Can you take that?” I asked.
“Sure, see you in the morning.”
“See you then,” I said, heading off to my room. Shed my clothes for some soft cotton pants, and lay down in bed, the events of the day filling my head. Why had that wolf not killed me, or just left? Why did it show me the buck? I soon fell asleep thinking of those very questions.
***
6 Days Later
When I woke up Rera was still asleep. Strange, but she probably couldn’t last night sleep knowing the test was so soon. I quickly changed and grabbed a few coins to grab some warm bread. Walking up to Rera’s room, I woke her up.
“Rera, you got to get up.” I said softly. She groaned, and rolled out of bed.
“I’m going to go get some bread, be back in a sec.” She nodded, and I left to get the bread. I walked up to the food merchant, who I really didn’t know.
“One loaf of bread,” I asked. He nodded.
“Did you hear the King’s men got here last night? For the Mage’s test I’d reckon,” he said, handing me my bread.
“No, I did not! My sister, you know Rera, is trying to get into the Academy of Rune Mastery in Aethold, so this is a big day for her. She’s been practicing hard, but she doesn’t know if her power is reliable, and if it is, if it will be strong enough.”
“Ah, she’ll do fine. Tell her best of luck!”
“I will, thank you,” I said, heading back to the house.
“Rera!” I called when I got inside.
“Hey,” she said from the kitchen.
“I got the bread,” I replied, tossing her the bread. She grabbed it and started to prepare breakfast.
“Man, it’s such a pain that we live out here sometimes. I mean, if we were in the city, we would know the exact date and time, but instead we just know it’s around once every four years.”
“Date and time of what?” I asked. I knew she was talking about the Mage’s test, but didn’t want to stress her and tell her it was today.
“The Mage’s test!”
“I know, I know,” I said with a grin. Rera rolled her eyes, and finished making breakfast and handed me a sandwich.
“Here, eat up.”
“Thanks,” I said, and sat down next to her. We had only been eating for five minutes when a gong sounded from outside.
“Attention villagers of Eskend! The Mage’s test is starting in a quarter hour! Attention villagers of Eskend! The Mage’s test is starting in a quarter hour!” Someone yelled. Rera jumped.
“It’s today!” She exclaimed, scrambling for the door. I grabbed her arm, stopping her in place.
“I know, but you need to sit down and finish breakfast.”
“You knew!” She yelled.
“Yep, a merchant told me. I didn’t want to stress you. Now sit and finish breakfast.” She nodded, and began to wolf down her sandwich. A minute later she finished, and stood, ready to leave. I sighed, grabbed the rest of my sandwich, and followed her out the door. My mind was filled with thoughts about what would occur in the next hour. But, I couldn’t really be faulted, after all today determined the rest of our lives.
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140,443 Literary Works • 673,191 Reviews
Hello I really like the feel of this story and the fact that this seems to be going in the right direction with the magical element. Now onto the bad part of this review. I do not understand why you put the elements of magic on the chapter 1 sheet instead of an entirely different sheet that would explain the magic part. I am kind of confused in the first part but i'm sure you will be able to explain it further. I honestly really like this piece and if you can fix your mistakes I believe this could be a fine piece of work.
Hey Charlie, welcome to YWS!
Here are some of my own thoughts.
This is good reference material and you might consider writing in a reference document in parallel with your story.
That being said, you should delete this part from the story because it slows the action down too much. Don't be in a rush to explain everything to the reader; but introduce things to them gradually.
While I like that they're orphans living on their own; it is unlikely that they'd be able to go to school. Kids are put into orphanages because they're unable to provide for their own needs. Leaving the orphanage may mean that they can provide for their needs now; but that is something that is likely to take a lot of time, time that might otherwise be used for education.
Some alternatives to consider might be changing school to a form of apprenticeship. A good apprenticeship back in the day would be both work and education; and would probably provide them both with stability they might not otherwise have. The only catch is that apprenticeships tended to have a very narrow focus.
This entire aspect seemed too convenient. I think the story would be better if, instead of being given the knife, he either found the knife during his hunt, or possibly Jreg gives it to him in payment for a service that Halick had rendered him (such as providing meat for him to sell.)
A rookie hunter might take a shot at a doe, but the professionals don't. If you make your living killing deer, you aim for males and leave the females to produce more deer. The females like to congregate around bucks, the biggest and strongest mates with the does, while other bucks challenge him. This means that if you have ten bucks and you kill nine of them, it won't hurt the herd. If you have ten bucks and ten does, and you kill nine of the does, then you will all but kill the herd.
This isn't very sensible. If he's good with a bow, has practiced with it for years, knows every form of trajectory that an arrow can take, then why would he switch weapons (giving the wolf a brief opportunity to attack him in the process?) Wouldn't it also be sensible to kill the wolf that is attempting to steal your hard earned kill?
I know this is all set up so that the guy can have a moment with the wolf; but there needs to be more of a relationship between these two. There is nothing at this point of the story to suggest that they'd have anything but an adversarial relationship. The question isn't "why didn't the wolf kill him," but "why didn't he kill the wolf?"
Use the word "One." It makes sense to use number characters for larger numbers like 154, but one, two, and three are quite easy to spell.
Also, the sentence is contradictory. She's asleep, but couldn't sleep? I can understand her being tired; but it needs to be expressed in that manner instead. Also, if he knows that the test is soon and that the test is important, he's going to wake her; if only because he wouldn't want to get in trouble for not waking her later.
Some more thoughts; if she's been preparing for this test so far in advance, how likely is it that she wouldn't know when the examination was occurring? Better question: what reason would the examiners have to not conduct their test in an orderly fashion? If the test is worth conducting, then it's worth conducting well. Also, if it's worth shouting that the mage's test is starting, wouldn't it be worth shouting that the mage's test is about to start in fifteen minutes?
I get what you're trying to do: you want to increase the drama by having the characters arrive late. However, this is kind of a cheap tactic and readers know it well.
Try this instead: have the characters get up early, show the preparations and the anxiety they are under for the upcoming test. Replace drama with tension. Ramp up that tension further by showing people failing the test or if the test is a secret, have them leave the room with that look of disappointment.
Taking this approach requires more patience on the part of the writer; but is much more effective because you're reader will be able to relate to that feeling of anxiety that comes before a test.
This has a good beginning, I look forward to reading more!