Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

blushing with a shameful glow

by charlie4152

perched like crows on telephone wire,
we patiently watch street cinema
of a suburban nightmare;
cars move by with a celluloid flicker.
bar fights, children, leaves browned
by the season, motions of life
repeated again and again
shifting against the threat of new time.
aging’s on the precipice.

strange objects now familiar
beg us to kiss already.

“how many sunsets can you count together?”,
a wandering thought surfs to us. i do wonder
how many sunsets we’ve counted together
and i ponder if, when fevers blister your skin,
i’ll be the one to move soup
into your baby bird gape. 

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



Random avatar

Points: 23
Reviews: 12

Thu Apr 15, 2021 6:16 pm
esthersanti1600 wrote a review...

Hi Charlie! Hope you're having a fantastic day or night, I'm here for a review!
This is so adorable - it made me genuinely smile to read. I can tell exactly what image you wrote it with in mind, and it's such a sweet one. There's so much genuine emotion in this poem, and it's so sweet that I can feel the emotions that you write with.
I love the imagery of "crows on a telephone wire"! I am a sucker for extended metaphors, and I love that you continue the image of crows throughout the poem. It's such a cute way to imagine it, two strangers. I'm wondering if you could incorporate that image into the second stanza, or maybe into the title? However, the title is beautiful and the second stanza is a nice break back into reality to remind us that we are talking about humans, so my suggestion is totally optional.
I Love the images in this and the imagery is just beautiful. Fantastic job!

User avatar
28 Reviews

Points: 25
Reviews: 28

Thu Apr 15, 2021 1:28 pm
BlueGlow wrote a review...

This is a very interesting poem. The descriptive, visual language is really great! It creates a sort of unpleasant feeling towards the suburban nightmare which really is a feat. However, my main problem is it doesn't quite flow together however, i'm not one to speak on that as i'm still learning how to incorporate flow. All in all a well crafted piece. With a rework it could go from good to great and maybe, just maybe, excellent. Keep it up!

Random avatar
charlie4152 says...

how would a rework make it better if there is no specific critique for me to consider

User avatar
55 Reviews

Points: 2523
Reviews: 55

Thu Apr 15, 2021 7:29 am
akanbright wrote a review...

I seem to like this one and it reminds me of one novel I read back then in school "faceless", about street children and all of that, even if yours may not actually be what I'm describing right now. I love the way you put down your ideas and made good use of your literary appreciations, something I don't really do so often when writing, cause I like writing in simple, sophisticated language.
Your poem is a good one, but I think somethings are wrong, while others are probably missing. I would like to let you know that when next you write, because I know you're a good writer, and so you will. You should probably take note of the fact that your words and diction has to be chosen properly, to avoid misappropriacy of words. Again, there should be at least a chain idea, that is covalent with the one before it. What I mean is that your words shouldn't shouldn't be contradictory and all ideas must point to the theme and title of the poem.
I kind of read this poem over and over before I could actually understand its language and maybe you shouldn't use high sounding words to express an idea all the lines of the poem, not to confuse your readers.
Apart from this, your poem is really nice, and I love it.

Random avatar
charlie4152 says...

"Your poem is a good one, but I think somethings are wrong, while others are probably missing. I would like to let you know that when next you write, because I know you're a good writer, and so you will."

Is there anything in specific that you're talking about? At what points are the words contradictory? What even is the central idea and what words should I simplify to get the message across?

A drastic shift in diction would affect the 'writing voice' I have. That almost seems antithetical to the purpose. Also, 'all ideas must point to the theme and title of the poem' isn't true. The use of must implies an obligation to fulfill. There is no concrete rule in poetry besides the presence of words. Pointing to theme could have a solid case made for it, but the title of this poem is unimportant as I care more about the stanzas.

Is there any specific critique I could use to revise this poem?

Well, the only way to start is by starting
— AvantCoffee