Published July 12, 2013
Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
“Paul . . . .” And with Gloria’s call the man did not reply but the shadows that draped the corners of the room and the black of the walls came to life.
They were not human, they were not creature, they were shadows and held no mass but wrapped like lightning right before Gloria’s eyes around the limbs of Paul Simon and sliced through them like paper machete. Whether Paul Simon was alive before he was strung up and ripped to pieces Gloria did not care as she watched the glass window he stood before splash, squirt, and streak the CEO’s guts and blood like the work of some abstract artist. The councilwoman almost released her bowels when she saw that Paul Simon’s head was the last thing to be severed and almost seemed to pop of his torso like the cork of a champagne bottle followed by an instant torrent of blood that completed the glass and crimson scene damn near symmetrically as the body to the wings of a butterfly.
A red butterfly cast upon a glass window overlooking a lit up city skyline, bodied by the blood from Paul Simon decapitated neck, and winged by the blood from his arms and legs that were ripped from their joints. That sight and the sound of what could have only been chains were the last thing Gloria could remember before she found herself running as fast as she could in those ridiculous shoes down the main stairwell of Paul Simon’s penthouse. She was back out onto the terrace and almost across the pool deck when she heard the holler of an injured Sikh Singh she thought was right behind her. It was when she stopped and turned on her heels that she saw the man on his knees and bleeding from his side.
“Gloria run!” She heard him yell but she could not move by the sight of all the shadows and moving light coming to a still and forming into the shapes and bodies of men – ninjas. They were all identical but for the silver bladed weapons they yielded and they all reminded Gloria exactly of the masked man that attacked her in the parking garage three nights prior.
Gloria turned to listen to Sikh Singh’s advice and the shadows were on her. She could hear the clang of steel behind her and when she turned to look she saw Sikh Singh back on his feet his curved blade in hand and unsheathed and striking forth with the speed of lighting and the strength of thunder. The shadowed men were countless and seemed to come from every corner of the night but the Sikh held his own and was quick to dodge any deadly blow only to counter and return that blow with one just as deadly of his own. Only when his blade met the black assassins did they split as if smoky spirits and were unharmed. The Sikh was not as lucky as Gloria saw when one shadow came down fast on his shoulder with the blade of a long spear. The silver met the skin with a clean cut and the ninja pulled the blade free along with a spur of spraying blood that followed.
Gloria jerked her head forward and released a shriek, screaming as she came down hard against the gold plated doors of the elevator. She could feel the shadows closing in on her and her neck and back only anticipated the cold kiss of their blades underneath the thin fabric of her blouse. Then the elevator doors opened as if to avail the desperate poundings of the councilwoman and to Gloria Gold’s greater relief a SWAT team poured out in formation. When she looked behind herself, on her hands and knees in front of the same two detectives that had questioned her just that morning, there were no ninjas, no obscure and altering shadows but for those expected by the reflections of the pool and the black lights. Sikh Singh’s shoulder was still cut opened and he was still bleeding from his side.
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140,806 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
Hey Champ, Black here for a quick review day review.
But nice job, you did fairly well with the action/ violence/ butchery.
So, first off: As much as I love your writing and style, and as great a writer as you are, I have to tell you that I wouldn't read any more of this book/ chapter. Why? Well, it's really my personal preferences, but I think I'll still point the things I didn't like about it out for you. A lot of people like this kind of action/ butchery in their fiction, I however am not attracted to it as much as I'm attracted to other things. But this was a good hook. It did it's job well (for most people).
The things I didn't like: You don't actually know anything about cutting humans apart, but talk about it anyway, your grammar has things it could seriously use help in certain areas. I'll do what I can to help you, but you have to remember that in the end it's up to you to do the hard work of really fixing your style itself! Do it!
For the first problem. When you cut someone open in a movie you can have blood and guts spew everywhere, however, in reality, it doesn't work like that. At all. If I took a pipe and rammed it through your neck you MIGHT get a bit of blood pumping out, but only so if I severed some major arteries and gave them a small hole to pump out of. People don't explode with blood and guts when you cut them open with a sword. . . .
Okay, that's really just a personal thing. It is a fantasy world so you can do whatever you want, it's just that if you CAN improve your writing by being realistic then you should. I prefer things when they're more realistic anyway.
Okay, for your grammar: I'm rather surprised on this area, because I remember your writing's grammar being very good. Why is it like this all of a sudden? The grammar quality of this piece is sadly low. What I'm going to do is give you an example of your problem, fix it, and then try to generalize from what I see. Here goes!
Okay, this is a very difficult, advanced problem here. Step one to analyzing it: Read it aloud. To me it sounds wrong. I feel like that 'with Gloria's call' part of the sentence messes everything up. Something is definitely wrong. Step two is pin-pointing whats wrong: I think that you're trying to follow up on a statement with an action that shouldn't go there. Instead off saying what you say here, you should break it up a bit. '"Paul . . . ." the man did not react to Gloria's call. Instead, the shadows filling the corner's of the room, and the darkness in the walls came to life'. You probably know that short sentences make better action. Keep conscious of that.
Okay, 'they were not creature' is a misuse of the word 'creature'. Creature doesn't work in a sentence like that. I'd advise you to use a word like 'animal'. It's not perfect, but I think it would be better than creature. Also, you could use to replace the second comma with a semi-colon. Remember what I said about short sentences making much better action. If you used them right here, then your action's quality would go up in quality a LOT! Right now it's a bit hard to read.
Okay, again try for shorter sentences. Also, you said he was cut to pieces/ ripped to pieces, not strung up. Strung up means he was 'strung' up. Hung up. I don't think that's what you mean. Watch out for using words just for color. The first part of this sentence makes less than no sentence, try to break it up. Try to analyze what you want to say and re-write this. It needs it. Badly.
You mean wielded, right? Because yielded means 'to yield'/ to give up. That obviously wouldn't make sense. I WARN YOU ONCE AGAIN: Use shorter sentences for your action. Be jerky if you have to. It'll make more sense and be MUCH more interesting to read! Just try it! It'll work!
Anyway, that's enough for this review. To overview: I think you need to use shorter sentences when writing your action scenes, read up on what happens when a human being is cut to bits, beware of being too fancy with your words, and watch your pacing and description. But overall, awesome work. You really are an amazing writer, and I really enjoy reading and reviewing your work! Good job! Remember: KEEP WRITING! Do that and you WILL improve. I guarantee it!
P.s. If you wanna follow up on this review then do so via PM. If you wanna be extra nice, then PM me what you thought of this review, rating it on a scale of one to twenty for me. Please? Thanks!
~Black~
Me again - Just having another nosey at some of your writing as I enjoyed Junior so much.
"They were not human, they were not creature, they were shadows and held no mass but wrapped like lightning right before Gloria’s eyes around the limbs of Paul Simon and sliced through them like paper machete. Whether Paul Simon was alive before he was strung up and ripped to pieces Gloria did not care as she watched the glass window he stood before splash, squirt, and streak the CEO’s guts and blood like the work of some abstract artist. The councilwoman almost released her bowels when she saw that Paul Simon’s head was the last thing to be severed and almost seemed to pop of his torso like the cork of a champagne bottle followed by an instant torrent of blood that completed the glass and crimson scene damn near symmetrically as the body to the wings of a butterfly." - WOOOOAAAHHHH! I was just sick in my mouth a little. Just what you want when you're writing Horror. GOOD JOB! I told you, you were good with description didn't I?!
"She heard him yell but she could not move by the sight of all the shadows and moving light coming to a still and forming into the shapes and bodies of men – ninjas." - This sentence is a little too long I think. I found myself running out of breath and I didn't have much left from the previous paragraph!!
This was so exciting! Why isn't there anymore! I need more. Message when more is available please.
Olive <3
Thank you so much for an awesome review. I have more. I just haven't uploaded much on here. This particular chapter is about 20 pages - like most the chapters in this book - So I had to break them up into smaller 3-5-7 page chapters. I'm still working on the first draft of the full manuscript.. a full 130,000 words and I think I'm about 3-5 chapters off of the final chapter lol. But thank you for all the amazing comments. (;