at first you think it's fake
that something that mediocre isn't worth your time or effort...
you tell yourself it's NEVER gonna happen to you
and then that asshole of a heart of yours stops.
you suddenly realize, that you're not just thinking about the random, pointless shit you used to....you're thinking about her.
NONSTOP
you find that the first thing on your mind every morning is: How would her taste, and how bad you want to see her right now.
you go on the rest of your day not talking unless the rest of the world is watching, because there's only 1 thing you care about right now.
you're busy...thinking about...fantasizing your world
everytime his name is said, you're eyes widen and you're thrust back into reality, the pace of your heart speeds up, and it seems like the world stops for that split second...
you're smiling
your friends laugh at you
the girls who notice this are touched
they wish they felt what you were feeling
and they crave it even more.
but regardless of what anyone says you know that what you have is real, and it feels great knowing that they're will always be that one shoulder to lean on, and that one body to keep you warm.
no one else understands
because no one else has ever felt this way
but they want to
you can just gaze into her eyes for hours
eliminating everything else around you
because to you, the world has put into one human form.
sometimes you find yourself staring at her
admiring all the flaws you love so much
and the perfection that drew you to her.
when they speak, it's the only voice you hear
and when she walks her arm is like your leash.
you can never image being hurt by her
because that's never an option
not because she can't
She Won't
it feels like you're flying
it feels like you're living for the first time
it feels like Christmas morning when you were 4
it feels like the movies
it feels like a replay of your favorite song
never gets old
it feels like unwrapping your favorite present
everyday
it feels like...you can't explain it.
and none of these comparisons compare.
....because what you feel
can't be put into words.
This is a very very sweet poem. : ) I think the best way to get it noticed is keep up on the grammar, punctuation, capitalization. But to be quite honest, this is a wonderful poem. Keep on your stuff!!
Ok, so it was heartfelt, captivating to a point but what put me down was the punctuation and spacing which I felt could've been used correctly.
Some lines express your emotions, the things you feel but they can sound vague if not properly explained. Well, that's why poetry is hard. To put it into words without getting it wrong or vague.
Punctuation, spacing makes or breaks the flow, it sets the mood, it's how you read the poem, so you should keep it in mind while writing, that you've done it right..
Keep up the good work, though!
Thank you so much for your kind reviews and critiques. I just wanted to mention that the punctuation and spelling is not done with purpose. Maybe, at 15, that particular word or emotion was capitalized in my minds eye. The poem was to be raw, full of wanting, confusion, and allure to help resemble the hearts and minds of fleeting youth and young love. It was not something I ever thought of sharing with the world because it is so personal and 'heartfelt,' so I did little to edit this piece. I want to always be reminded of that special moment in time when I had first discovered what love was, and the archaic way I measured the intensity of the phenomena at fifteen years old.
Be sure to check out Qualm Meadows.
JMR3
Hey,
I really trylu loved this, it was captivating, heartfelt and just really good.
So firstly I loved how you broke it up, the structure was great.
Secondly I loved how you conveyed how you can't put what your feelings into words.
Ok so, I have to agree with Skye, you used punctuation but didn't capitalise, that threw me off a bit, you need to decide on whether you want no punctuation or all punctuation. Unless there was a meaning behind it that I'm unaware of.
To be fair that really is my only critiscm because you have something really wonderful here.
I read what you commented to Skye about the change of pronouns, I think what you are doing is good, but you don't have to because, as a girl, females can relate to it too without needing 'he' to be in there.
Anyway, great job, I loved all of it.
Nargles xxx
Thank you so much for your kind reviews and critiques. I just wanted to mention that the punctuation and spelling is not done with purpose. Maybe, at 15, that particular word or emotion was capitalized in my minds eye. The poem was to be raw, full of wanting, confusion, and allure to help resemble the hearts and minds of fleeting youth and young love. It was not something I ever thought of sharing with the world because it is so personal and 'heartfelt,' so I did little to edit this piece. I want to always be reminded of that special moment in time when I had first discovered what love was, and the archaic way I measured the intensity of the phenomena at fifteen years old.
Be sure to check out Qualm Meadows.
JMR3
I love this. It's incredible. I also helped me out. So I want to say thank you. I'm also 15 c: and is kinda going through that. Even though I am sure of what I am, but it still confuses me. But this has helped me a lot. So thank you. Great work too!
Okay, right off the bat, there is punctuation, but no capitals. First stanza was super cute! I loved it! But, in the second stanza you confuse me with the whole
"How would they're his taste, and how bad you want to see him right now. "
I thought you were talking about a girl? And the whole "How would they're his" doesn't make any sense. I absolutely adore the last two lines in the same stanza though, it had a lot of power to them! Eighth line, fourth stanza, "they're" should be "their" to show ownership.
Everything after the fourth stanza is incredible!! I loved this! The only issue I had while reading it, was that you jumped from a he, to a she. It is extremely confusing to me. I am not sure whether it is supposed to be that way or if it is a typo. Either way, great piece! Hope you take what I said into consideration!
~Skye~
Hey, thanks for the first review! Yeah I didn't do much editing on this before I posted it. I had the pronouns interpersonal at first by using they, their, and them; so in order to make it more personal I decided to switch between he and she to make the poem accessible to both sexes. Thank you for catching those typos, they definitely throw of the syntax of the poem. But I really appreciate that you were still able to capture and consider the meaning of my work.
JMR3