z

Young Writers Society



Vampire Empire

by chamberlainj


Day 1

Rise and shine

Day 1-Morning

As Dagan slowly opens his eyes, he turns his head to the left than to the right. To notice his been in the same spot his been in for sometime now. He coughs’ probably because of the dust laying in this thing.

“Finally”, says Dagan “ I can arise from this grave.”

He’s been placed here in the years before Christ, he had been weakened by fate for too powerful he had become, Midnight was to kill him. However, fate said he was not to die, but to placed somewhere for a long time for that his power would become weakened. Now, he has arisen once more to attempt and claim what he wants power, gold, and respect.

As he lusts his arms above him the coffin lid whirls in the air, and a girl with long black hair and hazel eyes hops to the side.

“Chill the fuck out” says Ellina ridiculously “You almost hit me.”

“sorry, I didn’t expect YOU to be standing over me.” Dagan states

Ellina and Dagan have a bit of a history that well don’t really need explaining yet to be exact, its more of something you’ll eventually put together in time.

Dagan sits up and steps out of the coffin onto a wood floor it creeks and he swares he could jump and fall through it.

“How long have you been awake for Ellina” Dagan ask

“I’m not sure 5-6 hours, its night time we should really be on our way to look for food” Ellina humorously says “, maybe that’ll pretty your ass up.”

“Let me just wake up first”

“You’ve been sleeping forever, and your still a lazy ass”

“Ugh lets go why not hell I don’t even know what year it is, for all I know we could walk outside to a bunch of bitch ass humans with swords to our necks.”

“Think that will wake you up”

“I’m just waking up, and your giving me a few good reasons why I wish I wasn’t”

“You’ll live”

Dagan and Ellina exit the room and walk right through a cobweb, Dagan waves his hand frantically to remove it. As Ellina walks right past him breezing his shoulder blade.

“oww, that hurt my arm I’ve been laying shirtless in a coffin for God knows how long, the wood really gets to it” screams Dagan

“Toughen up” Ellina says conqueringly “oh, and by the way watch the steps”

“Yea yea, I got it”

Ellina, fly down the steps one after another there was a good 20 steps in all the house they were in was quite large. It was once Dagans’ he was a wealthy man before he became a vampire. As Dagan approaches the steps still wiping some of the web of his arm he goes to take a step. Not minding the missing step, hits and stumbles down all the steps.

“I told you so” snickers Ellina

Dagan glances at her, but only enough so that she knows he’s giving her a dirty look.

He than brushes his knees off and he notices that he has a slight rip in the pants that he’s wearing.

“Son of a bitch let’s go” furiously states he

As he meets the front, Ellina goes to turn the handle it’s rusty and not really moving at all.

“Get out of the way” says Dagan

He steps back and throws a right leg and hit’s the door right in the center, ripping the door clean off its hinges. You can hear the wood itself snap, the door goes spiraling into the front yard. And lays there on the cold lawn, which was once green and is now just a patch of dirt.

“jack-ass” Ellina states

“ladies first”

She walks out, there’s not really much wind at all, because there in the middle of the woods. All they can see is dense trees rounding them, they notice that it ends somewhere 5 miles out.

They’re feigning for some human blood. That fresh human blood hitting there lips, would taste so delicious right now. However, they don’t have time they presume from the origin of the moon that it’s about 4:30 in the morning. They have about an hour to an hour and a half to find some blood minding that its summer.

As they head out to woods they notice the eyes of something large 4 legged, most likely a buck a nice 8 pointer. They lick there lips knowing that this is what they’ll be eating. This blood will taste so good, after being on shut down for so long.

Dagan, turns around to tell Ellina to start going towards it. When he notices that she’s already in the tree directly above the animal sitting there waiting for the right moment. She hangs up side down on the tree like a bat. So agile, she swings back and forth waiting for it to bow its head.

The deer looks around to the left, to the right up. Than it places it’s head on the small layer of leaves that have fallen from the trees. Dagan watches as it crushes the leaves with its mouth. Fwoosh twack, Ellina nails the deer with such force, and slams her teeth into its neck.

The blood pours from its neck and mouth, slowly she drinks the blood it kicks its feet around.

She giggles at it, as its spine shimmers straight out its back skin. She must’ve broke it spine when she landed on it.

Dagan steps behind her and pulls her hair up into a bun, so that it doesn’t get into the blood. She keeps drinking the blood head tilted towards its neck. Her face is covered in blood as she stands than, telling Dagan to drink.

“The blood, is cold it tastes so good” Ellina states

He leans down to it, his hairs is in his eyes but it’ll be out of the blood. He starts drinking the blood. His consuming large amounts, most likely to replenish him self from his long sleep. The deer is slowly weakening in color, turning pale and purplish. That’s how you can tell when the blood is going bad. He lifts his head and says its done.

The time now is about 5:00 o’clock the sun is most likely rising in the distance. However because the woods is heavy in trees the light will not reach them for a while. They will not die from the sunlight, but they will be weak to people and other things.

In the day time they try to act as normal people so that they will not be caught as vampires. But, because they’re skin is paler than ours, and there teeth and nails sharper. They can be noticed much more easily, so they try not to travel to much.

Tomorrow, Dagan or Ellina will travel to market he hopes to buy clothes and some livestock. But for now he will sleep, him and Ellina walk over the grass, and throw the ripped off door.

After a feast they prefer to sleep, and besides Dagan isn’t really in the best of moods right now. He’s been sleeping for 1000 some years, and is woken up by the least expected person.

As he reaches the room where he lies, he pulls the coffin lid off and lays inside.

“Do you have any money left?” Ellina asks

“I’m not sure if you haven’t noticed I haven’t exactly been paying the queen lately.”

“ Oh, I’m sorry I thought you’d at least remember something.”

“ I keep my money in the chest around the corner 2nd room to your left”

Ellina, leaves the room and takes about 2 big steps to the room 2 doors down. The door of the room is infatuated with dust. She opens up the door and enter the room. The room itself is quite bare, a window on the far side, a chest, and a wardrobe. She heads over and stand above the chest, she notices that there’s a key-hole and its locked. She lifts her leg and stomps through it. She than gets onto her knees and tears a large plank of it off the top. As she’s digging through papers and what not she hears a scream.

“What the hell are you doing their?” Dagan screams

“I thought I’d open the chest, the way you like to do things”

Dagan, grits his teeth and rolls over to go to sleep

“These things are bloody uncomfortable, I should be buying some sheets and hay tomorrow. To make myself a bed.” Dagan mumbles to himself

Ellina finds a small sack, and picks it up, she notices that it’s a good bit of money. However, it would not last them forever. She spilled it out, and quickly counted about 800 marks. A mark being worth 3 angels, an angel being worth 5 nobles’. For a brief on, the worth of things a good goat would be worth the amount of about 43 marks.

“800 marks” Ellina calls out.

“helloooooo” She calls out again

“ugh” she mumbles

She gets up and moves to the coffin chamber where Dagan is sleeping

“Dagan” are you there she says as she steps into the door way. She laughs quietly, and places her hand on the door frame. She watches him sleep and smiles. She rubs her eyes and says to herself “off to bed than.”

She heads to the main room where the stairs are and hops down all 20 steps as if it were nothing.

“Damn, does it feels good to be awake again” she says proudly

She than walks into an old quarter of the mansion, where she stayed many a time before. Into a room with a bed where she used to sleep. She notices the bed is not as nice as it once it now has holes where wool is falling out of it. But its better than sleeping on the floor.

She than remembers that she had placed a small sword under the bed, she places her hand on it.

“oww” she whispers.

She cut herself on the sword, she put her finger to her mouth and sucks the blood up. When that was done she lifted the sword. It was more of a large dagger than a sword, it was about a 14’ blade it was smaller and easy to conceal. A sheaf was right beside it, she fastened it around her belt loop than dropped the dagger into it. After that she laid in the bed, she tossed and turned a few times. And she saw the sun slowly making everything bright, it was about 6 now. Her eyes slowly fell asleep, and so did she.

Day 1- Noon

“Wake up, wake up, wake upppppppp” Dagan says enthusiastically.

He looks down at Ellina, she opens up her eyes and drags her hand across her face. She slowly lifts her eye lids and she sees him standing above her smiling. Faintly she smiles back at him.

“Man, you sure do sleep late its almost 12 o clock”

“Oh, I’m sorry I was up waiting for you last night, so that I could get some food, if I may add that I caught.” Ellina tiredly she adds.

“Ellina, I have to head down to the market place so I should be back in 2 hours. Could you try not to break anything. I’m going to grab something’s so that I can make myself a decent bed, and maybe a few pairs of clothes. Need anything?”

“Give me a minute Dagan, I’m coming to”

She rises from her bed, and ties her hair into a bun. Dagan is waiting on the front porch. He turns around and spots her.

“Lets see if we still got it Ellina.”

They both slowly started jogging then boom, full sprint they started moving. Faster then the fastest man or animal. Moving gracefully in and out of the trees. Town is about 8 miles they be there very soon.

At the edge of the woods, Ellina pounces into the air. And as fast as a blink she’s a bat. Of course followed by Dagan, there’s 2 bats. When they see the road leading to town they hit the ground as humans again. In broad day light.

They walk into the town its actually more like a small trade outpost. It has high picketed fences. And the normal bustle of sheep’s and people and talking is going on. They stare at the two as they walk in. Slightly in a way as if they’ve never seen someone like them before. There presence is with it out a doubt different than a normal humans. The humans know they’re different, but not in the way that they are different.

Dagan, hands Ellina 15 Marks to go buy 2 weapons and some sheaf’s. she leaves.

Dagan wonders around for a little bit, looking around. Really just enjoying the sight of things, the fresh air, the sounds. He meets the man selling the hay. He’s an old fella probably 50-60. Gray hair on his head he asks Dagan what he would like. A 2 mounds of hay would due perhaps. That’ll be 1 angel and 3 nobles [about half a mark.]

Over his shoulder the hay goes and the old man ahh’s at his strength. Dagan being a skinnier man, slightly cut, about 6’4 200 lbs. Isn’t the largest man. But in front of his eyes, he lifts what no man can. As he walks he notices the people staring at him.

He thinks he should probably be going now so he goes and find Ellina. She has a smile on her face. As she carry’s 2 swords and 2 bows and a rack of arrows for the both of them. Naturally, Dagan would be one to make his own weapons but he doesn’t really have time for all that nonsense right now.

Besides, when they find out he’s awake surely. He’ll need to fight. He lays the stack of hay with Ellina and goes off and buy himself some shirts. Then he walks back to Ellina looking down at his cuffs to make sure there fit he kicks a rock and stumbles. Ellina giggles at him.

“Well now don’t we look handsome” Ellina says

“Thank you, you look quite darling yourself”

“Dagan, I think we should be leaving now we are catching quite a bit of eyes.”

“You didn’t have to ask me twice.”

As they start leaving the village, they notice something is different.

“Something’s not right Ellina watch yourself”

They start walking out of the village when 5 guards come running up to them

“Freeze in your tracks”

Quickly, Ellina draws her sword slashing the mans throat directly between his chest piece and helmet. Blood spurts out onto her face. She licks off what she can.

Dagan, draws her an arrow shoving it directly between the vision holes in the 2nd guards helmet. He falls to the ground with a loud thud. He just woke up and 2 guards are already dead. The other guards slowly move in on them, stepping swords drawn.

“What kind of demons are you?” questions the guard.

“The worst kind” says Ellina

She then charges at the guard arm raises screaming. He has his shield up ready to dismiss the blow. Out of nowhere the silence of her screams stop, he pulls his shield down to a surprise that she’s no longer in front of him. The larger surprise is that she was directly behind him.

“Boo!” Ellina says startling the man

Then she lifts the blade to stab him and he whirls around dropping the knife directly into his face. He falls to the ground, bleeding rapidly but not dead yet. Seeing this as a chance for a fresh meal she leans down to drink his blood. As she sicks her already bloody teeth into his neck. He screams in agony.

As she drinks the mans blood Dagan still has to more guards to worry about. They’re enclosing him into the corner he does the only thing he can. He knocks 2 arrows and fires them directly into the one guards chest. The strength in which he pulled the string of the bow back was incredible. He sent the guard back 5-6 feet through the air. The other guard dropping his weapons in fear, ran as fast as he could away from the two.

Dagan, knew, no escape. He lunged at the man grabbing him by the neck. The man tripping and falling to the ground.

“Please don’t kill me” he cried “ pleeeeeaseee” begging for his life.

Smashing his skull into the ground, smash after smash after smash. Dagan, laughed and remembered the power he once held. The man was bleeding horribly. Ripping off his helmet, he laid his teeth into the mans neck sucking the blood. He smiles, it felt good because he finally got fresh human blood. But, it felt good because it reminds him of what he could be; of what he once was.

“Ellinaaaaaaaa” he calls “Lets be going now”

“Lets”

They both run off with the goods they purchased, and into bats they turn. The people looking at them in awe shock as they flew away. 2 bats carrying mounds of hay that humans could not, and heavy blood shaken weapons. Back to the mansion they flew. Smiles on there bloody grins.

As they get back to the mansion, the sun is still high in the sky. It’s probably about 4:30. They get to the front steps, and change back to there normal human-like forms.

“Ellina, what the hell was that about?” Dagan questions her.

“I was about to ask you the same question Dagan”

“Well, we have to mind ourselves next time, seeing as were not at full strength yet, and to be honest I don’t feel like wasting humans every time we go out for a day trip.”

“I’ve asked you before Dagan, but why do you always try to act like something your not? We’re here they’re gonna die by our hands, whether we feast upon their blood or we’re sticking knives through them.”

“Because, Ellina THIS is how we fall, when we act like what we are, in front of people who aren’t like us. You know they’re going to try to kill us, and you KNOW they can’t. So, by letting them know that were vampires we just attract more. And I don’t feel like sleeping any time soon, you know we have to watch our backs already so just chill the fuck out”

“ I thought it was kinda fun, you cant says it wasn’t”

Dagan, just smiles at this he knows that he doesn’t want to engage Ellinas’ ferocity. He knows the more he gives her the okay the more she’ll be killing. The truth of the matter was that, Ellina stole the swords and bows. It wasn’t that she couldn’t have bough them but she wanted to get herself and for the help of Dagan some exercise.

An exercise they had, but this would only be a small amount to what they were prepared to come. They still have a long fight to go with creatures matched to there ability. They need to strengthen up. Quickly.

Dagan, being highly intelligent in nature. Most likely because of his long life, by now he had to be over 2000 years of age. He had to live in the wilderness for so long of his life, learning to heal his wounds. Wounds that he has a vampire could heal quickly, he made heal, quicker.

He told Ellina that he was going off to find some herbs and plants, so that he might be able to concoct some poison. He needed two types of poison, one that would extract the vampiric enhancements from vampires. The other would deform lycans to there normal states.

Lycans, being brothers of werewolves have one main exception. Lycans, change at will and have 2 forms neither of them being human. One, very human like however they are stronger and faster. The other being werewolf like, however with out the urge to kill uncontrollably.

He wonders off into the woods, Ellina wrote him down the list of what he needs. Devil’s Claw, Epazote, Ephedra, Fumitory, hibiscus, ledum. Into the forest he goes, walking around. Looking for plants he could never possibly find.

Ellina, is standing in the door way of the house laughing at him with the herbs sitting in her hands already. She knowing that those herbs don’t grow around here, but that he has jars of them in his basement. But she figures she mines well have fun with this.

She grabs her bow and a single arrow and heads off into the woods, she sees him and he looks around like he knows someone’s there. As she knocks back an arrow she heres him humming a toon. She lets go and swoosh, twack the arrow is standing in the tree before him.

He draws his sword and gets in crouched position.

From behind the pushes she stands up, laughing hysterically.

“You scared me to death Ellina.” say Dagan frightened

“Im sorry im sorry but it was just too funny”

“ Will you help me find this bloody spices?”

“You idiot we have them back at the house you’ll never find them out here.”

“Oh, thanks for telling me that before I wandered off for half an hour.”

They start walking back to the house, as Dagan gives her dirty looks Ellina laughs at him. She picks some berries off of a tree probably small red berries. One after another into her mouth they go. Laughing the whole time, some of the red juice runs down her gin. Dagan giggles and wipes it off with his finger.

When they finally reached the mansion, the sun you could tell was starting to exit the sky. Ellina hands him the jars with the stuff and he starts to pick the leaves off of them. Grinding, up the one for the vampires he fills up 2 vials. Then, the one for lycans he than fills up 2 more vials.

Handing 2 of them too Ellina, he explains that the one will change the lycans and the other will slow the vampires to humans. He also precautions to use them as a last resort, and to be precise when tipping things as not to get it on yourself.

“Yeah yeah,” Ellina mocks “I don’t need any of this potions crap to kill a couple of vampires and lycans”

“That’s what I used to say about humans Ellina, and look I just woke up from what they did to me. Take all the help you can your gonna need it.”

Dagan, takes his clothes and hay up to his room and unties the hay laying in the corner of the room. He lays in it and just about falls asleep waking himself up. He folds his shirts and places them in a wardrobe type thing.

“Ellinaaaaaaaaaaaa, get some sleep we have stuff to do later Ill explain it to you later” Dagan screams than lays his head in his new bed falling to sleep. Darkness is in about 2 hours.

Day 1 - Night

Dagan, laying in his hay mound his eyes were opening like that of a newly born baby. He noticed it in all its beauty his first night fall after 1000’s of years. He sat up and looked around the room slightly dazed and what not. He stood up and stumbled to the door, stretching his arms over his head he hit them on the top of the door. Leaning, around the corners trying to find Ellina.

“Ellliinnnaaaaaa” he screams

“What!?” she questions

“Come here we need to talk about something.”

“Give me a minuttee, give me a minuteee”

They both meet in the sitting room Dagan tells Ellina to sit down. There’s some tension but Dagan has to tell to Ellina something very important. Thus, forth not to catch her by surprise.

“Ellina, theres something important you need to know and I want you to know that if you don’t wanna stay here any longer that’s okay.”

“Whats a matter?”

“Ellina before I was put to rest, some vampire lord type people were coming after me, not THE vampire lords but some vampire clan was working with some lycans to capture me.”

“Why, what did you do?”

“See, That’s the problem I was never really sure what they wanted me for and everyone I ever got close to they killed somehow but always when I was right there.”

“So, do you think they want you alive?”

“Well I wouldn’t say “alive” but undead, yes. That’s why as long as you stay here your in danger whether they know if I’m awake again or not I don’t know. But, if they do heed my advice your in for hell.”

“Dagan, I’ve killed some vampires in my time hell I’ve even killed some lycans I can handle whatever they can dish out.”

“All I’m saying is, be careful what you wish for.”

Dagan, stood up and left the table. Ellina sat there for a little bit pondering to herself about what all this could possibly mean. Questioning, the excitement to come. She always loved danger, and killing things, that rip of the flesh or puncture of the neck always excited her very much. The more the merrier she always said to herself.

“Good night” spoke Dagan softly

The truth of the matter Ellina had no clue what the enemy was brewing up. And neither did Dagan.

This is day 1, if you like this thank you. If its not really your fancy but you read it anyway tell me what you thought of everything else.


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71 Reviews


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Fri Nov 14, 2008 6:58 am
rubberduck wrote a review...



Hey there...
I kinda agree with Meevs and B&I.
A rating is necessary.

You've got swearing involved, so before the mods get annoyed, I think you gotta change the rating quick. To an 'R' preferably.

Anyway... I squirmed when this line came out.
'She giggles at it, as its spine shimmers straight out its back skin.'

Honestly, I found that line disturbing. I guess it's just because I've got a low tolerance for blood and gore. Think of it this way, I can tolerate CSI and nothing else. I remember I walked out of the cinema when I was watching 'Letters from Iwo Jima'. So, it's just me. :)

You managed to make the reader visualise the scene. Which is good.

----

Sometimes, you don't capitalise the letters.

“helloooooo” She calls out again

“ugh” she mumbles


And for this line, '“helloooooo” She calls out again';
I remember reading something somewhere that said that elongating(is this the correct word to use? Hmm...) your words is a bad thing to do. Instead you should be writing it like this, if you want to stress the word. (Or something like it.)
~~
eg.
As the minutes ticked by, Marge's patience grew thin.
"Hello? Anyone there?"
~~
Oh yes. There's another thing. (You can bear this in mind for the future if ya want. :))
Never write any dialogues like this...
~~
eg.
"Hello?! Anyone there?!"
~~
'?!' is a no-no.
Use italics to stress a word or something. ^^

All in all, it was a good try, but you can improve on it. :D

Well then,
seeya 'round!

-Max.




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Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:45 am
Squall wrote a review...



Hello there. I won't be giving a line to line critique on this. Instead, I'm going to give you some of my knowledge and hopefully it will encourage you to think deeper about the mythos of a vampire.

You have an idea of what vampires are, but they are simply vague descriptions of what they are. Yes, they rise from their coffins and drink blood etc but do you know why that is so? Vampires are a metaphor of something that can cross the lines between two ideas or themes (such as life and death, human and beast, good and evil, male and female etc). What makes them scary is that they are unpredictable since they have the ability to blend these lines that we as a society have defined. If members of society are unable to recognize them, then it will create confusion which leads to society's greatest fear: The fear of the unknown.

This is the golden rule of all vampires.

When fantasy authors write about vampires, they need to ask themselves as to why they are having vampires in a novel. Is it because they are simply cool or that the themes and issues that my story deals with requires something that can blend the lines of ideas or themes in order to create meaning for the audience? The former answer would hold no direction for you since you are only writing for yourself, not for the audience. The latter has much much more depth as you are actually wondering how I can use vampires in a story to inform to the audience of a universal theme or idea instead of just writing for yourself.

This piece seems to deal with very trival things judging from what's written and the rather childish and crude dialogue. Why would you need a vampire to express this? Why not a human? Is it convincing for your audience to have vampires portraying this idea? Don't go down the route that Twilight goes. Twilight fails in my opinion because the author uses a vampire just to express an everyday teenage issue whereas she could had done that with just a human. She doesn't make use of the deeper mythos of a vampire which is just a waste.

Anne Rice however does use the deeper mythos of a vampire. She uses the vampire's golden rule to express complex themes and ideas such as the sheer boredom of immortality and existential despair. There's actually a point of having a vampire in her novels whereas in Twilight there isn't; she would have been better off using a regular human.

Use my ideas to help you improve this piece. I hope it helps :D

Good luck.

Andy.




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Thu Nov 13, 2008 8:03 pm
miyaviloves wrote a review...



Yup defo needs a rating.

I didnt really like this to be honest, I didn't connect with any of the characters and I felt that the topics you were covering had been done before.

it is so hard with vampire stories to make them new and unique these days - try and think of something original even though I know that is far easier said than done ;) but trust me it will be worth it in the end.

Meevs




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Thu Nov 13, 2008 7:56 pm
Blood and ink wrote a review...



You really need to put an R rating on this story before Nate or some body gets angry with you.
Just a heads up for you. If you use the F-word, have excesive sex or very grafic violence then it has to have that rating so it wont show up on the main page. YWS really doesn't need those types of things to be so easy to get to.




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Tue Nov 11, 2008 8:09 pm
Thanatos wrote a review...



nice vampire story except its the same kind of vampire story you see every day.
Try to mkae your own flare don't make it as typical as the next vampire story.
Alsio the way you writing it is kind of weird
ex: He coughs, she giggles, she questions
If I were you I'd stick to the typical 3rd person.




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Mon Nov 10, 2008 10:59 pm
chamberlainj says...



time_fox wrote:“Chill the fuck out” says Ellina ridiculously “You almost hit me.”

I just pulled this line out. You need a comma after out and also you need a comma after ridiculously. Also all the swearing you have in this story is kind of a turn off for me. Every once in awhile is fine but it takes value out of your story.

I like a good vampire story, but come on now try to come up with your own ideas for this. They are all basically the same. Try asking yourself "What can I do different that would want to make people read this?"

So far what I can tell it's nothing different from any other vampire story.



Vampire stories aren't really my cup of tea, poetry is. Swearing is me it comes with the program along with the blood and gore.

The reason it isnt any different is because you cant draw much of a far basis for a new vampire story because everyone attempts to write the damned things. The question here that I ask myself is not "How could I do something that nobody else has done" I ask myself how can I do what everyone has done, but 10x better.




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Mon Nov 10, 2008 7:59 pm
time_fox wrote a review...



“Chill the fuck out” says Ellina ridiculously “You almost hit me.”

I just pulled this line out. You need a comma after out and also you need a comma after ridiculously. Also all the swearing you have in this story is kind of a turn off for me. Every once in awhile is fine but it takes value out of your story.

I like a good vampire story, but come on now try to come up with your own ideas for this. They are all basically the same. Try asking yourself "What can I do different that would want to make people read this?"

So far what I can tell it's nothing different from any other vampire story.





The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
— Helen Keller