That girl in the picture
That make your eyes flicker
And makes the drool run down your chin
Every time that you see her
You just want to meet her
The girl who makes your heart spin
You sit there and ponder
Whilst you wonder
What could be of you and her
Could you answer this question sir?
One day she called you
And said hey boy whats your name?
You started shaking and said dont say something lame
You were hoping that she was in all seriousness and wasnt just playing games
Cause your heart is fragile and ur mind is all tangle
It's alrady been batter
Alot of things you've been the blame
Your a troublesome mess
But still people love you the best
You want her to wake yor up from rest
Its been in a deep sleep and because others have made it quite weak
You met her at the nearby park
It was a bit awkward
It was not far from
The dark.
Than in an instant your lips were quite kissing
And you never wanted it to stop
Your heart was alive
You didnt want it to die
As the night was over you drove her to her place
And walked her up to her door
You told her good night
She said silly boy
Your messing the point your staying with me tonight
He was so quite happy
Trust me there was no napping =]
Everything happened
That night.
A beautifull story
Of love and glory
I hope it happens to you all too
Im on a roll tonight
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Songs are just the modern day poetry. As I like my songs I like my poetry. I am what I am and I like to keep on tough subjects in free hearted ways. I dont like tension really or suspense I want people to know whats going on and thats probably 90% of the reason I dont write stories im not very good with all that literary crap.
If you read it out loud and make up your own beat to it as I did soon you'll find that the rhythm and rhyme are quite there. Music is done for people to hear and so are these words. So read them out loud and you very well may find a different outcome.
Hey there. I read your poem. Want to hear what I think??
Your rhyme was very forced and your rhythm was kind of . . . well, not there. Rhyming is hard; I never rhyme, mostly because I can never find the right words in such a small pool. Rhythm is equally hard, trying to fit everything you have to say into a certain amount of syllables? I lack the patience and the skill. So really, kudos for even trying. So try going free verse. See what happens. I bet you like it a little more.
Um, I don't know if you noticed, but you switched tenses down there at the end. It was kind of weird. You might want to fix that. And that little smiley face there? Very juvenile.
Just some stuff to think about. Keep writing.
Toodles!