carelessaussie13 wrote:Hey there. I read your poem. Want to hear what I think??
Your rhyme was very forced and your rhythm was kind of . . . well, not there. Rhyming is hard; I never rhyme, mostly because I can never find the right words in such a small pool. Rhythm is equally hard, trying to fit everything you have to say into a certain amount of syllables? I lack the patience and the skill. So really, kudos for even trying. So try going free verse. See what happens. I bet you like it a little more.
Um, I don't know if you noticed, but you switched tenses down there at the end. It was kind of weird. You might want to fix that. And that little smiley face there? Very juvenile.
Just some stuff to think about. Keep writing.
Toodles!
Songs are just the modern day poetry. As I like my songs I like my poetry. I am what I am and I like to keep on tough subjects in free hearted ways. I dont like tension really or suspense I want people to know whats going on and thats probably 90% of the reason I dont write stories im not very good with all that literary crap.
If you read it out loud and make up your own beat to it as I did soon you'll find that the rhythm and rhyme are quite there. Music is done for people to hear and so are these words. So read them out loud and you very well may find a different outcome.
Points: 1349
Reviews: 11
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