Aunt Vera

Before I tell you this story let me just say I have tried to move on, from the outskirts you would think I’m doing a good job of it. I'm not. That year repeats itself every night. My husbands supportive when I wake up screaming and I love him for being understanding and patient, but I know he doesn't believe me. Could I blame him? No, in his shoes I wouldn't have been so considerate.

That is till my 5 year old daughter started laughing the other day. Peter said he was a bit confused because her toys were away and the TV was off, so what could she have been laughing at?

He asked ‘Darling, what are you laughing at?’

She replied innocently ‘Auntie Vera said a funny joke about you.’

That might not sound like much but that was the first time in years I heard Vera being mentioned, and it was all too familiar. Now my husband might be skeptical but he knows I would never have told my five year old daughter about the horror of Vera’s story. Maybe it's a mere coincidence, it's not as if the name Vera belonged only to my deceased sister. It’s just how did she know it was her auntie, or was that to just a relationship she missed so much that she decided to create one in the form of an imaginary friend.

You see, my mum and step-dad never address what happened and it has only really been between the three of us. I know it still it affects them. Before I moved out, I usually heard my mum cry at night which only angered my step-dad. ‘Let it go! you silly woman she’s gone now.’ He'd say though gritted teeth. Yet when I saw my mum the following day she had this masked smile; you could tell if she stopped smiling, she might just crumble. I never figured out my step-dad. He was a mysterious man, all i knew is that he always kept an eye on mum. It was a very controlling relationship with my submissive mum and my violent, temperamental step-dad. He wasn't violent towards me because I always kept out of his way, but sadly the same could not have been said for Vera.

When Peter had told me this after I had come from a busy day at the office I was slightly relieved. Gosh that sounds awful, as if I wanted my kid to sound possessed. It’s not that, I found comfort in the fact that when Peter told me this; I could hear his voice tremble and see his pupils dilate as if he had adopted a new found faith. I was still concerned for my daughter so I went to speak to her in her bedroom. She sat there circled by all her stuffed animals and dolls, looking adorable as ever. I made my way to her bed making sure I don’t knock one of her friends over.
‘Honey, daddy said you were laughing at something today.What was it?’
‘It was a joke’ she said stroking the hair of one her dolls
‘How did you hear the joke?’
‘Auntie Vera told me’
‘Whose Auntie Vera?’
She sighed as if that was such a dumb question ‘She’s my friend mummy, only I can see her right now’
‘But hone, why is she called Auntie Vera?’ I could hardly breath saying that name and instantly I felt sick.
‘ I just did mummy, is that all or was there more?’
That brought me to shock  my daughter never spoke like this,so dismissively, but I guess now children start having attitude a bit earlier than the pre-teen years. Still that was a battle for another day.I was just happy this was nothing more than it seemed. I went to inform Peter about conversation.

‘I don’t know Eve, I think we need to look into this.’ He said surprisingly, clearly unsatisfied by my lack of concern.
‘Look into what? A kid having an imaginary friend’
‘Its not that simple! when that happened I was terrified Eve, of a five year old, my five year old daughter.’ I almost sympathized with him he looked distressed and his vulnerability made him seem like a small boy.
‘Peter I get that, But your the one telling me constantly to forget about what happened, and I know you don’t think its true. For once I’m on the same page as you, and now you've swapped sides.’ I took a deep breath I was pretty exhausted after work and now this drama.

‘All I’m saying is lets forget today episode, if it happens again we’ll discuss it.’

I went to kiss him softly on the lips before leaving the room to make diner, I didn't want to sound to harsh after all he’s done for me.

Before I went to to my room, I attempted to close Isabelle’s door she never liked it open in case we had the TV on the other room. I stopped for two seconds just to watch her; my beautiful daughter peacefully sleeping with her hands tucked beneath her head. I was just in the midst of closing the door when she said still asleep.

‘Mummy’

‘Yes honey?’

‘ Vera said your a good mummy, but you could have been a better sister’ ….

My eyes widened as I stood in shock.Just looking at her sleep as if those words did not just come out of her mouth. I quickly shut the door, hastened to my room,and looked at Peter like a damsel in distress.

‘Something happened, didn’t it?’

I didn’t mean to not reply. I just looked at him till my eyes were filled with tears. Peter walked over and threw his arms around me, stroking the back of my head as I embraced him.

‘I uh I…I don’t understand Peter I don’t want to go back there. I just don’t’ I just about managed to say that till I cried hysterically into his chest.

‘It will be fine, honey I promise. We are going to sort this out.’ I wish I could believe him.

The next day we called the child therapist Peter felt it was the right thing to do. It was pretty expensive, but I think we were already willing to do anything we could to make sure yesterday wasn’t going to repeat itself. So that afternoon I picked Isabelle up from school and I wondered if this was the right thing to do. After all she came out the school building laughing with one of her best mates, Gracey, not the usual actions of a traumatized kid. Still it's booked now, and the money's non-refundable, so what the hell, even if all that was resolved were her issues with little tiffs at school; it was better then not attending at all. Once we got to the waiting room we sat in silence. I was wondering why Isabelle hadn't questioned why we're here, usually she’s your typical inquisitive child.The counselor called her in and I gave Isabelle a smile before she followed the lady to her office. I decided to use this time to call my parents and ask them if they had accidentally mentioned Vera in front of Isabelle.

‘Hello’ my mum said slowly on the other end, I suddenly felt nervous having to bring it up but i had to explore the possibilities.

‘ Hi mum, I just needed to ask you something its very important and so i need you guys tell the truth.’

‘Go ahead dear.’

‘Mum Isabelle has mentioned Vera a few times, and I had never told her anything about is there anyway you guys might have accidentally slipped it our around her or if there was anything in the house she could have stumbled on?’

I could feel the atmosphere change even being on the other side of the phone.

‘No, Eve we haven’t mentioned her, I’m quite sure of it. Are you sure haven’t misunderstood? I mean it could have been some other...Vera.’ I could tell she hesitated finishing her sentence, before I could answer I heard my step dad in the background. He sounded angry but I couldn’t quite make out what he was saying.

‘Listen, Eve I’m sure it’s nothing but I have to go. Ryan needs me.’ Before I got to say bye she hung up. They weren't lying, I was pretty sure of that prior to the call but it didn't hurt to check, well i hope it didn't.

 It was my time to discuss the session with the counselor. I left Isabelle in the waiting room.

‘Hello, Mrs Robinson firstly I’d like to say it seems you have a lovely daughter’

‘Thank you’ I smiled politely but I was eager to know, to start understanding. She must have seen that on my face;  the pleasantries died down at that point and we got to the heart of the discussion.

‘There was nothing really to report, but that’s why I was so concerned. She was really hesitant to answer any of my questions. That’s not so uncommon most people find it hard to put their walls down; but every time I asked her something about her friend she would look to the corner of the room.It wasn't just once, and when she realized I was looking to see where her gaze lay; she quickly turned back at me and changed the topic of conversation. I don’t think anything is wrong with her. However she is young and her imagination is running wild, but if it's ok with you I’d like you to bring her in for another session.’

I didn’t expect a follow up and i wondered if the sessions were really worth it, right now I paid £70 for nothing really.

‘Urmm yeah I’d like that but I have to consult with my husband first if that’s ok’

‘Yeah that’s fine’ she smiled

‘That’s great, so is this everything? nothing more I need to know’

‘Well other than what I already said nothing else stood out that was abnormal or cause for concern’

‘I’m really glad to hear that, Thank you.’

I walked out and saw Isabelle looking down on the floor and fiddling with her thumbs, I felt a bit distraught. All this time I had considered how this might have effected me but what about my daughter? She’s the real victim here, victim of what I had yet to figure out. The ride home felt quite hostile, any questions I asked about school or her friends got dismissed with one word answers. I probably should have told her about the counselor she must be feeling betrayed.

‘Isabelle I’m sorry, mummy should have told you about the counselor lady, are you mad?’

‘No mummy its fine, but I don’t want to go again’ She said looking out the window.

‘Why not? Was it very boring? I said kindheartedly.

She suddenly turned towards me and looked me in the eye, expressionless.

‘Because I don’t’

I feel embarrassed to say, but there was something in that moment that put me in the most primal state of fear. Then I remembered what Peter had told me about how he felt, and I just stood in front of him and patronized him. I almost ran to the house at the speed I was walking. Isabelle was following behind, but I didn’t care I wanted to get away from her; she was in this moment everything i spent so many years trying to leave behind. As soon as I unlocked the doors I ran to Peter and just hugged him, and turned towards his ear to whisper.

‘Peter, it’s not going well.’

Peter hugged me back a bit surprised that I didn’t walk hand in hand with our daughter as I usually do. He looked at Isabelle just standing there and watching us.

‘You alright Izzy?’

I turned around feeling guilty for my neglect. She did’t reply,she just kept looking towards me looking furious and breathing heavily as if she tried to control herself.

Suddenly, she screamed demonically ‘I’m not going through this again, you can’t do this to me again! and collapsed. 

We rushed to her I started crying what was happening to my daughter? I was about to call the ambulance but Peter said it was fine all she needed was a bit of rest. He placed her on the sofa where I sat stroking her hair. Finally she woke up

Mommy, do you remember Aiden from down the street?’

‘No I don’t, is that one of your friends’

‘No it was one of yours. He always around on a Red bike, remember?’

I lied. I knew who Aiden was, course i did. He was a very close childhood friend but after Vera's death we moved and so our friendship pretty much just ended there.

Isabelle continued ‘He died last week. His wife killed him for his inheritance but the police think it's a suicide’

Vera was one thing there was some kind of possibility that she had found about her. Not Aiden though, not even Peter knew nor my parents. He couldn't have died, I only bumped into Aiden and his wife a few months ago for the first time in years and well, he seemed so happy. I knew it couldn't be true, but I had to check.I just kept staring at my phone sceen I didn't know what to type it almost felt ridiculous that I even considered what she was saying. I typed in his full name and numerous articles popped up. AIDEN LAMBRINSKI COMMITS SUICIDE or AIDEN’S WIFE GEORGIA GIVES EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW. I hadn't spoken to him in years, but he was there for me when I needed him the most, and where was I? When clearly he needed help.That train of thought was abruptly stopped when I could feel someone breathing on my shoulder.

‘It’s not your fault you know. He didn't commit suicide she killed him, the heartless wrench’

I'm sure that wasn't Isabelle's voice, there is no way a 5 year old could sound that grown up. That was Vera's. I didn't turn around I as petrified and it was written all over my face. She put her hand on my shoulder as a gesture of affection and I screamed. Peter came running in.

'The uhhh...the hand! Isabelle that wasn't your hand, was it?'