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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
TEXT VERSION:
Both hands around the mug—
the small
genuflection
of it.
You smooth the same crease in your sleeve
before you speak, which I have since made
holy. I know. I know
what I have done with the ordinary
of you.
Three in the morning does this,
makes a reliquary
of the left side you sleep on, the wrong
names you give to clouds, unbothered,
the way your mouth moves
just before sound
arrives.
I was not well. I was awake.
There is so little
between those two things
at that hour.
The moon never agreed to stand for any of it. Goes on pulling the sea by its roots
because mass demands it, not because
someone was lying in the dark needing a word for
want.
Sirius burned
four hundred years before a sailor
looked up and called it
guidance.
It did not soften
for them. It will not
soften.
I am not sure you
were asked either.
To make an altar of you,
that is one kind of theft. To make a
god of the same body,
that is to take the house down
to the studs
twice,
and leave you
standing in the frame of a thing
that was never
yours to begin with.
The dark does something to a person. Makes a saint of whatever glows,
makes a scripture of a sleeve,
a liturgy of how someone tilts their head
before they answer,
before they even know
they are being
worshipped.
I was not fair.
The devotion is already
load-bearing.
The stars will not remember
being used for
this.
You are not a star.
I am sorry I dressed your hands
in all that oldest work,
when they were only
ever
your hands.
And yet
when you reach across a table,
every dead and burning thing
I have ever needed
is in that.
Hiya, Corv here! Thank you so much for sharing this poem, 'What I made of You (in the hours I could not sleep)' -- and also for including a text version in the comments down below. It was a lovely read.
I really liked the opening stanza. The image of holding a mug as a sort of genuflection is very interesting. I felt it gave the poem a real sense of beauty and devotion for mundane and the divine, which read to me as being heavily connected/intertwined. I thought this carried throughout the poem.
The first stanza in this poem did make me curious. Who is holding the mug? Are there two people holding the same mug or is it just one person? Does it even matter if we know? I found it fun to think about!
On a more critical note, I think that the lines:
and
could each be separated into two lines, if you wanted. They're visually a lot longer than the rest of the lines you have. It stood out a lot --though I also realize that may be the point.
The line breaks feel intentional in how they cut off the different lines of thought before they can be completely said. I thought that it added to a sense of stress or even uneasiness to the overall tone.
Hope this is helpful! Thank you again for sharing this poem
hello corv!! thank you 4 your review, the time you've taken with it means a lot
im really glad you liked the opening stanza!! it was possibly 1 of the toughest stanzas since i wanted 2 start with something simple.
on your question about the mug - it's one person, the speaker, alone at 3am. both hands around a single mug, which is itself a kind of small, private genuflection, what with the bowing of the head, the cupping of something warm in the dark. but I appreciate that the ambiguity is doing something as well. the speaker is just so focused on their beloved that even a solitary act of holding a mug becomes about them.
on the long lines - im really glad you noticed that actually!! i did debate with myself a bit on integrating them, but they are definitely deliberately longer than everything surrounding them - the moon line runs long because the moon doesn't observe the poem's careful architecture any more than it observes human need (it's kind of a call-back 2 my other piece 'THE SUN DOES NOT MEAN FOR YOU TO BE WARM', and i decided 2 apply the same principle here), and the indifference is structural, not just stated. the dark line breaks the pattern 4 a different reason - i wrote it because i wanted 2 depict the speaker losing the thread slightly, the cataloguing mind accelerating before it can stop itself, if that makes sense. the unease you felt is exactly what they're meant 2 do. i intended 4 those two moments 2 be where the poem's form becomes a little unruly on purpose, because the feeling is.
also your point about the line breaks cutting off lines of thought before they can be completely said - yes, exactly that!! the stress and uneasiness you picked up on is done on purpose, and i'm really glad it landed that way. plus your reading of the mundane and the divine being intertwined is sort of the whole heartbeat of the poem, so knowing that carried through genuinely made my day.
thank you again, this was such a thoughtful read!!
Hiiii! I'm Ash and I'm here to review using this four leaf method (Please cut me some slack I've never tried this before T^T)
☘ 1st Leaf: First Impressions & Initial Thoughts
I really love the organization and use of italics. It helps me comprehend the poem better. I also just love poems so I went into it with good expectations, and you met them. :3
☘ 2nd Leaf: Critique & Points of Confusion
I don't really have much to critique here, and I wasn't really confused, overall I think you did a really good job. The big words were my only weakness because I have a large vocabulary, but I had to look some up :'( That's just my problem though, you did a really good job.
☘ 3rd Leaf: Details & Favorite Lines
Again, I really enjoyed the use of big words. I also love the line "The dark does something to a person. Makes a saint of whatever glows." I don't know why, but it just seemed to register with me.
☘ 4th Leaf: Theories & Questions
I don't really have any questions or theories >.<
Thank you for reading my semi-slightly-good review, I'm still kind of new on this site, but I'm trying to get better.
HIYA ASH!! please don't sell yourself short, this was a really sweet review and i truly appreciate you
i'm really glad the formatting helped!! had a lot of deliberation put into it
don't apologise 4 looking up the words at all - that's genuinely 1 of the best things you can do as a reader, because the fact that you looked them up instead of skipping past them means you gave the poem more than it maybe deserved.
the dark line is 1 i particularly enjoy!! i suppose that is what overthinking is at its core - you're alone in the dark, at 3 AM when your brain won't stop, and your mind starts making things sacred that wouldn't feel sacred in the daytime. whatever's nearby, whatever glows, becomes something almost holy. the speaker is doing that 2 someone they love dearly and kind of knows it's a bit irrational, but can't stop. i'm happy it resonated with you even if you couldn't quite place why - sometimes that's the best way 4 a line 2 work
thank you again ash, i appreciate the effort you've put into reviewing this piece, and welcome 2 YWS! im relatively new myself so you aren't alone in that experience at all haha
ofc ^-^ I'm glad I could help :0
Hia! I saw you doing some reviews and thought I would choose your poem for the Green Room comments :3
Ohh I find the structure of the poem so interesting! The cut offs for every line feel very deliberate even if I am not sure what this means!
I like the line abt Sirius burning way before anyone used it for guidance and also the head tilt into not knowing that they’re being worshipped. Just like the transition into the main point!
I feel like the different font for What I made of You kinda gives this a chilling ending vibe!
HEY!! thank you so much 4 choosing my poem 4 the green room
on the line breaks - your instinct's spot on there. every single 1 is intentional. the poem is about a speaker who is awake at three in the morning, overcataloguing someone they love, and the breaks are meant 2 mimic that - thought interrupted by thought, feeling 2 large to finish a sentence cleanly.
the sirius stanza was among my favorites 2 write actually!! Sirius burned 4 just so many years before anyone looked up and called it guidance, and not once did it soften 4 them, nor did it ever agree 2 mean anything. the poem draws a parallel between that and the beloved, who never agreed 2 be navigated by either, if that makes sense. and yes, regarding the head tilt, i'm happy you caught my intention with it!! the beloved is just completely unaware (perhaps blissfully) throughout the entire poem, which is part of what makes the devotion a kind of theft.
on the font - the poem has just spent itself confessing and apologising and the title reappears like a reminder that none of it has changed, so it was a sort of call-back 4 sure, as what was made of them is still made of them, and i left the ending without a resolution 4 that exact reason
thank you again, i truly appreciate this review - lovely 1 to wake up 2!!
And thank you for giving an explanation of your thought process! I am no good with poems but I love listening to people drawing meaning from them :3