Tonight, your palm will shake above mine,
Your fingers will feel me sweat between mine,
My fingers will feel the bump of your wrist,
The goosebumps on your arms.
Tonight, your nails, cut too short, will find a knot in my hair I couldn't untangle,
Will find a knot in my heart that you create.
With lips shaking, you will tell me my hair smells nice,
With lips shaking, I will tell you I like yours parted that way,
We will share an uncomfortable smile,
We will share an awkward laugh.
Tonight, I will feel certain,
Tonight, it feels like forever,
because I am naive,
because I am new to this,
because I am not yet aware of the pain you'll cause,
Tonight, I speak in cliches
Tonight, it feels like a movie
Tonight, my hair smells like apricots,
Tonight, you are a dream.
Tomorrow, you are a nightmare.
Tomorrow, your lips will not shake
Tomorrow, your nails will not hesitate
Tomorrow, you won't smile or laugh
Tonight, your fingers will not touch me there,
But soon they will
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Canary word: Present
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hi, penandsword here.
I really like this! The wording is excellent.
The one thing I advise is to fix the formatting. For example, you several lines by saying 'tonight', but then you stop. I think it would be better if you either began each line with 'tonight' or 'tomorrow', or didn't use the words so much that they established a rhythm.
Oh, and I really liked the imagery and little details. Good job there.
-Pen
Snaperoo my dood. That's a pretty spoopy poem u got there.
I see you're new here. Welcome to YWS. As im sure you know, we primarily review and offer constructed criticism to other people's works for points. So I will be doing just that, because God knows I need to do something with my life :>.
Format-wise you have an interesting thing going, however, maybe it isn't the best way to express yourself here. Your wording us pretty good, but to me it feels like the formatting brings it down. It begins to feel repetitive and clunky, which is weird because at the same time the way you flow your lines together is great. It's just putting the "tonight" or "tomorrow" before everything makes it feel weird.
So i guess what I'm trying to say is, you have a knack for wording, just try and mess around with the formatting, because it could be better.
Keep up the good work
-poop guy