Chapter One
I Josephine Abigail McWisher have the worst name in the world. I mean what kinds of parents name their one daughter Josephine in the middle of year 20195. Isn’t Josephine just a little old fashioned for someone living in the 202nd century. Also my middle name, I would love it if my parents let me say Abby but no. Alas I am forced to live with Josie Abigail McWisher. The only thin I do like about my name is McWisher. If nobody else has the same last name as you I doesn’t matter because everyone has different last names, but my first name, geez I think I may be the only person on the planet named Josie. The rest of the kids my age are Amica’s and Lylana’s and Jefri’s and Arron’s. I have almost nothing in common with these names except the first letter J in the boys name Jefri. McWisher is also a fine name because it is apparently Irish (what in the name of polapods is that?) for Son of the Wisher. I love that because my parents were very wisher like. They wished for me to be pretty, for scuelas, that they wouldn’t die, and that our house wouldn’t collapse. They only got one of these wishes, that our house wouldn’t collapse. They were dillusional people, if I may make an analogy, they were quite like the “Mad Hatter” in the old book “Alice in Wonderland”. I am usually not too sad
About my parents death. They were divorced trekkers and they roamed all over Goldilocks 1 finding rare creatures and they were so carried up in their jobs that they rarely had time for me anyway. The only thing I can remember about my mother, is a cloud of red curls and green eyes. My father, all I remember of him is a strong belly laugh, and red t-shirts that he was always wearing. Before I even reached 5 years, my father (Jacob) had been captured and eaten by the vicious golden Furica. At the time my mother was pregnant with my sister Elise Marie Mauve, and she died of heat exaustion in the far west. I was already living with Mina Flurry, my godmother so no arrangements even had to be made. I continued living just as I had, not realizing anything was wrong until I turned 8.
One thing that I really wish for is my hair. It sits on my head, an ugly blanket of simple blonde sticks. Unlike all of the other kids with their chocolate skin and dark curls, I am startlingly white with freckles peppering my nose. I’m also freakishly tall. At 13 years old I stand already at 5’8”. At school I tower over my friends and even some of my teachers. This being said, I have only about 5 friends, just enough to fill one hand. My friends Jefri, Alicia, Jemime, and Sara are all chocolate skinned and tall like me, but my best friend Jennifer Ava Harreys
(a popular name in 1996) is the most like me. Her red hair and light brown eyes set her with me, apart from the crowd. We have done everything together since we were both 6 years old.
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This looks to have a promise. I like your beginnings for what could be a good story, but there are places that can be improved upon.
My first notice is simple things like missing punctuation. This is a very easy thing to go through and fix with a few read throughs.
There is a lot of information all at once in this section. It would really help if you mixed this with some narrative movements. Rather than just giving us all the information like this you can include it while you're moving us through the story of the character. Introduce the characters little by little rather than dumping them all in the beginning.
Think about where you want your story to go. What actions and or conflicts you want your main character to face and then from there you can start to incorporate all this information you have into that. Doing that will pull the reader through. As it is, this feels like a character profile, not a story.
It is a good beginning, but you have aplenty of room to expand and improve on this. Best of Luck.
That is one of the best pieces I have read