Published January 15, 2009
This is just a short paragraph about a general idea I have for a novel. Other than horrible grammatical errors let me know if it even seems some what interesting to you!
Thanks!!
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It was simple. I had never looked through that part of my eye before. It was as if it had been hidden from me, somehow cloaked. A distant memory of my mother watching the old Star Trek shows drifted through my mind. I pictured that ship... what kind was it? The one that could make its self disappear all the while watching and waiting to make its last hit on you.
That was a good description of my eye if you can believe it. It had been working against me for the last sixteen years, hiding its self. One question blasted in my mind as I peered out of my once hidden window, you might be wondering the same thing, What was I looking at?
That is more than your ordinary question. More than a “Hi, how are you today?” more than a “What’s your name?” and even more than a “What’s your life story?”. Even so, your question beyond all questions deserves an answer and that is what I shall give you. The Answer.
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Canary word: Present
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So here is a revision. Please keep in mind that I want to keep this short because it will be a prologue. Also, I need help with the last paragraph!! I would like to keep those questions in there, but I am sure my grammar and formatting is way off... suggestions?!?! I also tried to take some parts out that made the concept of the eye even more confusing than it already is.
ps. I will explain more about the eye! but not yet!! muaahaha....
It was simple. I had never looked through that part of my eye before. It was as if it had been hidden from me, somehow cloaked. As my mind raced a distant memory flashed through my vision. I pictured my mother sitting on our couch, intently watching an old Star Trek episode. She seemed excited and happy by that show, almost joyful. I missed that.
I cannot tell you why that memory flooded my body, but I can tell you that it took place over three hundred years ago. My venture into the past could not last long, I had more important things to consider and that one resounding issue was that I could see like I had never seen before.
As I peered out of my once-hidden window I quickly realized my one and only question. You might be wondering the same thing; what was I looking at?
You must understand that this is more than your ordinary question. More than a “Hi, how are you today?” more than a “What’s your name?” and even more than a “What’s your life story?”. Even so, your question beyond all questions deserves an answer and that is what I shall give you.
Nice! Since this is short and you have three line-by-lines already, I'll just add that as long as you have more explanation later on about her eye, I don't mind the number of questions left in here.
Your story was quite interesting. Though Nit-picking still.
The "W" in what should not be capatalized.
"The Awnser." I was left a bit confused
Mabey:
Even so, your question beyond all questions deserves an answer, The Answer.
I like this. It leaves me intrigued.
This might just be me, but I think the meaning of this phrase is a bit unclear.
I think "once hidden" should be hyphenated. Also, this is a run on sentence. It's not confusing, just awkward. I think I would put:
I think your last paragraph is a bit awkward too, with all the "more than a". I hate having to put things in quotes in the middle of a sentence because I don't know how to format it...
Please write more, I'm quite interested.
rachel
Very interesting. I liked it. But I think you need to describe your eye a little more. I really couldn't get the concept of you eye working against you. Did that mean you were blind, was it metaphorically speaking? So you need to give the readers more info. Here's some basic grammatical errors I fixed.
That was a good description of my eye if you can believe it. It had been working against me for the last sixteen years, hiding itself. One question blasted in my mind as I peered out of my once hidden window, you might be wondering the same thing; What was I looking at?
Again, make this beginning (note the spelling) a bit clearer. Hope to read more from you,
Xx Forever Threnody
P.S. Feel free to PM me with questions