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Skiing Trip

by cburkett379


Connor Burkett

Mrs. Fiske

L/A 7.7

5/16/16

Skiing trip

“Wow, thats a whole lot longer and deeper than I expected.” Jared thought. It was a very steep and long slope, there were some cliffs too. Jared was terrified and didn't know if he could go down this slope. But at the same time he knew he had to complete his goal, he just had to.

“We are now up in the air and on our way, the arrival time will be about 12:33. That is a 3 hour flight,” the pilot said. Finally, Jared thought. He had been stuck in lines for 2 hours. It was boring. They lived in Montana. They were going to Colorado. Tired, he fell asleep.

“Alright we are now starting our descent, hope you had a great flight and enjoy your vacation in Colorado.” the pilot said. Jared was going skiing, and he couldn't wait. Jared's goal was to go down the biggest hill. Jared was tall and skinny, very strong though. He had dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. Jared had a lot of friends, all of them liked him a lot, you could tell because they all followed him around. But what Jared didn't know was that the largest hill there was a lot larger than he thought, A LOT larger.

Jared and his parents checked into their hotel room. It was gorgeous. There was a red carpet with a cool design on it, two king size beds beautifully made, a flat screen TV and a master bathroom. The hotel they stayed at also had free breakfast. “So when are we going to go skiing?” Jared asked his Mom, “Soon honey but why don't we relax for today and we will head out first thing tomorrow?” “Okay,” Jared said disappointed. The first day for Jarod was really boring. They sat around all day doing nothing. His parents wouldn't even let him go swimming in the pool because they didn't want him to be tired for tomorrow. But after a very long day, night had fallen. Jared watched some TV, then crawled into bed.

“Night Mom, Night Dad.”

“Night honey, see you in the morning.” Jared had trouble falling asleep because of two reasons. Because he was super excited about getting up early and going skiing tomorrow, and the stars, shiny, white, and bright, lit up the night sky. They were beautiful. Jarod was always fascinated with things in space like the moon and the sun. Even though the stars were not as bright as they were in Montana he still thought they were cool.

“Jared it's time to wake up bud.”

‘Uhhhgggg’ Jared rolled out of bed and went to his bag. He threw on some long underwear, under armour, a sweatshirt and sweat pants, two pairs of long thick socks, then grabbed his coat and snowpants and threw them on. Lastly he grabbed his hat and gloves. Once he was done he felt like a furnace. He was hot and sweaty. But once he stepped outside he cooled off. Even though he was tired, he was still excited. The drive was a good two hours. They finally arrived. They payed and Jared was off and ready to ski.

“Jared” his mother yelled. “Be back here by 7 o'clock, not a minute later.”

“Okay” Jared said. It was 11:30 so that gave him PLENTY of time to ski.

Jared scanned a map of all the Rocky Mountains, the tall majestic hills.

“Aha!” Jared said. He saw the tallest slope. It was right in front, too. He pushed himself over to the chair lift and hopped on. Jared's mind rushed with thoughts about things he was going to do. He couldn't wait to go down the tallest mountain, he couldn't wait to see how many hills he was going to go down, he couldn't wait to eat their delicious food, and he couldn't wait to tell his friends about his experiences. After a long while on the chair lift, he finally got to the top. He pushed his skis through the snow to the mountain. Wow, thats a whole lot longer and deeper than I expected. Jared thought. It was very steep and long, there were some cliffs, too. Jared was terrified and didn't know if he could go down this slope. But at the same time he knew he had to complete his goal, he just had too. Feet trembling, hands shaking, Jared dropped his goggles over his face and pushed off. Jared right away started sliding when he tried to slow down. Jared realized he couldn't try and stop he had to just go. Gliding down the mountain Jared swerved right and left all the way down. He ramped off a couple of cliffs and kept going. He soon reached the bottom and when he did he was the sun, bright and happy. He had so much fun on that slope! Jared went on 12 more of the tallest slopes and ate a really good lunch. But it soon was 7 o'clock and it was time for him to go. Jared was so tired after all the fun he had that he slept the whole ride home. When they got back he changed and jumped right in bed. The next morning he was sad, time to go back home.

As Jared, Mom, and Dad boarded their flight, Jared was smiling. He had so much fun. He was sad he had to leave but happy for what he’d accomplished. He couldn't wait for the next time he would get to go to Colorado, couldn't wait!


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Thu Jun 02, 2016 10:27 pm
burninhell wrote a review...



Hey,
Just thought I'd stop by with a quick review.

I'm going to start off with getting all the nitpicks out of the way, so here goes:

complete his goal

Okay, so though there is nothing wrong with this, I just feel like 'reach his goal' would flow a little better? Just a suggestion.

with a cool design on it

he still thought they were cool.

I know that they're quite spread out, but I would suggest trying to use a word other than 'cool', just to help make it sound a little less repetitive if you get what I mean. Perhaps a word like 'interesting' might work?

It was right in front, too.

I'm pretty sure that here you don't need the comma.

Your last paragraph is also quite long, I would suggest starting a new paragraph after 'tell his friends about his experiences.' Just to help spread it out a bit, it should also help to make it a little easier to read.

One more point, you repeat the word's 'couldn't wait' quite a lot throughout this piece.
He couldn't wait to go down the tallest mountain, he couldn't wait to see how many hills he was going to go down, he couldn't wait to eat their delicious food, and he couldn't wait to tell his friends about his experiences.

He couldn't wait for the next time he would get to go to Colorado, couldn't wait!

I'd suggest trying to use this phrase a little less often, again, it will just help to make your piece sound a little less repetitive.

I also kind of agree with what Jumpy is saying about it sounding slightly like a school assignment. However, I also think that your piece is written well and tells a nice story about how a boy has overcame his fear of a large and intimidating slope. I think you have also explored the feelings and emotions of the character well. So overall a great job! Well done :)




burninhell says...


Also, welcome to YWS!!!! :)



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Tue May 31, 2016 11:54 pm
JumpyDot wrote a review...







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