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Young Writers Society



When I

by cathy


When I look up into the dark
And stars fill up my eyes
I think: “A new universe could be out there,”
And it makes me feel amazing.

When I look up into the dark
Nothing can hurt me,
But I can see everything clearly
And something’s make me sad.

I think the world is so beautiful
But there’s so much violence,
So much anger and so much pain.
What can I do to stop this?

When I look up into the dark
I feel a sense of connexion.
That someone millions of miles away
Is looking up at the same beautiful sky as me…

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Tue Mar 20, 2007 7:42 pm
Leja wrote a review...



I like the idea of this poem, but I wonder if it addresses too many topics. You talk about connecting with other universes and other people, those parts I like, and I think would make a good poem themselves (by the way, did you mean to spell connection with the letter 'x'? I know it was spelled that way in a previous time period, but I here I can't tell if it is a mistake or )

I think you should further develop the idea of feeling alone and sad, but still connected; with this same idea, the topic of violence, and anger don't seem to fit.

Overall, I think you have some good ideas, but there are too many spread throughout this one poem.

Best of luck in future writing,
Amelia





Stories don't end because you stopped paying attention.
— SJ Whitby