Published March 30, 2008
Help me fix this poem. It is kinda ugly in my interpretation but every word in this poem came from my heart.
My Friend
He is kind, caring, and loving
Selfless, helpful and forgiving.
Even though I am always busy,
He still loves and cares for me endlessly.
He watches over me whenever I sleep
He's always there to comfort me whenever I weep.
When I am afraid I ask Him His guidance
Because to Him I am special and He gives me importance.
He gave up His life just to save mine
He always makes sure that I am fine
For all the things that He gives me everyday,
It makes me so speechless, but still, I have something to say.
Thank you for all the things that You did for me
I promise to be someone You want me to be
I know whatever happens You will love me 'til the end
Oh thank you again my Lord, savior and friend.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hello! I'm reporting for duty. I hope that when you said I should critique your poetry you didn't have a certain one in mind, 'cause I just picked at random from your portfolio.
"loving" and "forgiving" don't really rhyme that well, because one ends with "-iving" and one ends with "-oving." Also, the rhythm seems a little messed up. maybe try a different word in one of the places? Also, "busy" and "endlessly" seem to have the same problem.The first two lines rhyme just fine, but I'm not so sure about the second two... "guidance" and "importance" don't seem to rhyme that well.
Hmmm... the last line feels like it has too many syllables in it, to me.
This one's great!
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Really, I'd just say that you need to work on your rhyme and rhythm. Is the rhythm supposed to change from stanza to stanza? I don't know much about poetry, but I thought that it would be better (for a rhyming poem like this one) to make the rhythm (that is, the amount of syllables) more consistent from one stanza to the next.
I hope this helps somewhat! Feel free to PM me if you have questions/comments about my review.
~Azila~
This was really good.
I enjoyed it alot :]
The best poems do come from the heart and you definetely made have an incredibly literate heart :]
Thanks! I'll try to edit this soon!
I really liked this-I can really feel what you were feeling when you wrote this. I like most of the rhyming, but in some cases the rythm could be improved with just a word or two changed. some I am's can be replaced with I'm in a couple cases.
The first two lines are great, descriptions are always good to have at the begining of poems. I don't really know what to think of the third line though- it looked a little thrown in there. In the fourth line, I think you could take out either "loves" or "cares", it's just repitition, and it would make it flow a bit better if they were removed.
I like the idea in the first two lines, but I'm not so sure about those two "whenevers". I think it would sound better if you used "when" or "as" in place of at least one of them. I assume the capitilizations of "Him", "He", and "His" are intentionally emphisized. However, I would definely replace "His" with "for". Also, I would switch around the first half of sentance four for "Because I'm special to Him". The second part of the sentance is forced-take it out.
The first line is a givaway
The first two lines are almost perfect. Take out "that" in the first sentance, put a comma at the end, and then it's fine. The third line and fourth lines are fine.
I love how you hid away the meaning of who your friend was until about halfway through-really makes you think. Also, I'm guessing that you have christian beliefs from the last sentance. Unlike some poems, you didn't give up the meaning of the poem for rhyms. If you fix it, this poem could be even better. Keep up the good work!
Sincerely,
(ME!)
Hi I am SCL how are ya! Ok I like what you got here it isn't bad at all. But I found some grammatical errors in it so let me help you.
"He is kind, caring, and loving (you need a comma here.)
Selfless, helpful and forgiving.
Even though I am always busy,
He still loves and cares for me endlessly.
He watches over me whenever I sleep (Need a comma)
He's always there to comfort me whenever I weep.
When I am afraid I ask Him His guidance (need a comma)
Because to Him I am special and He gives me importance."
If you have any questions about what I done feel free to PM me.
SimonCowellLuver