-A Fire Within-

Lost. I’m lost. But. You said you would find me. It’s dark. So very dark. And cold. I hear my thoughts echoing inside my head. Nothing more, nothing less. I’m trapped. Trapped… No way out. You probably think I’m crazy, because I am trapped. I can’t get out. Can’t. I’m trapped. Trapped inside myself.

I jerked awake. Sweat was dripping down my face and neck. It was only the third time this week that I had a nightmare to this extreme. Maybe the doctor was right. Maybe I am going crazy. Well, now what? There’s no way I can go back to sleep. I drug myself from the pallet on the floor I called my bed and groggily walked to the kitchen. I flipped on the coffee maker, filled it up with ground coffee and water, sat down at the table, and put my face down on the cold, rough wood.

Once the coffee finished brewing, I stood from the table and glanced at the clock on the microwave. 3:20am. Shit. Sleeplessness is something I’ve grown used to by now. I’d never get sleep and still I managed work at 7:30am. I reached for a mug in the dusty cabinet, poured a cup of coffee, and sipped it, sitting back at the table. This was one of the few times I’ve used my kitchen.

I’ve been in the same house for seventeen years, had the same car for twelve years, and a dog that I’ve had ever since I can remember. And the same job since I was able to work. I’ve never liked change. My parents were the same way before they were killed.

I finished sipping my coffee and stepped to the bathroom. I stripped down to nothing and turned on the water as hot as it could go. I loved the scalding hot water first thing in the morning. Sometimes, it burned me, but I liked that. There was no pain too much for me to handle anymore. Not after all I’ve been through. I stepped in the shower and hissed as it burned. Ah, it hurt, but in such a good way. I stood under the water for a good ten minutes before lathering shampoo into my hair. I heard a paw scratch the door and push it open. I peered out the curtain to see my bud.

“Hey bud, can’t sleep anymore either? Let me just finish up here and I’ll get you some food.”

Ralphy barked in acknowledgement. He knew exactly what I was saying. He always has. The minute I called him Ralph, he came to me. Ralphy was a nickname he’s acquired over the years.

I finished rinsing the shampoo out of my hair and lathered up the bath poof and washed my body. The water was just now dying down from scalding. I stood, turning in a circle to rinse the soap from my body. I turned off the water, reached to the towel rack and grabbed my towel. After I dried off, I stepped onto the cold tile floor.

Ralphy had left, probably laying by his food bowl now. This was our routine. I haven’t had someone else in my life for years, so Ralphy was the only one I could call my friend anymore. Every ‘friend’ I’ve ever had, had betrayed me. I figured by now it only made sense to stay alone, with Ralphy, my loyal Golden Retriever.

I stepped back into the kitchen after wrapping the towel around my waist. I grabbed a cup, scooped out the food for Ralphy, and dumped it in his bowl. Ralphy slowly rose up from his position on the floor and began inhaling his food as always.

I pulled the towel from my waist and dried my hair a bit. I threw on some boxers and a wife beater. I never understood why they were called that, but I never fully understand a lot of things nowadays. I pulled on my trousers and my button up shirt and combed my hair. There was always that stupid cowlick that never went down.

Ralphy had found his way into the bedroom by feet by the time I was putting my socks and shoes on. He put his head on his paws and closed his eyes. Surely, he was exhausted. When I didn’t sleep, neither did he; that’s how it had always been.

I looked at the clock again. 6am. Where had the time gone? Not that I was complaining. It just meant I didn’t have to worry about waiting too much longer before leaving for work. I went to the living room and flipped on the television. The only thing on was the morning news as always. I turned off the television and leaned back in the recliner. I closed my eyes. Sometimes, being alone sucks. It’s what I deserve though, to be alone. I’ve never been much of a gentleman. Sure, my parents taught me manners, but after they were killed, I stopped caring. It’s not like any girl could ever like a guy like me. I’m terrible. I’m a terrible person. Really, I promise.

I started to fall into a state of sleep that was just deep enough to dream, but not deep enough that I wouldn’t get up. Gasping for air, there was nothing left. Nothing I could do now. They were gone. Pushed off the bridge into the deep mucky water, I knew they wouldn’t make it back alive. I started fading away from reality. I could hear things, but my vision went pitch black. Then, silence. I shot up from my recliner, my heart racing. I tried catching my breath, but it was just getting away from me. I made my way to the kitchen and gulped down a glass of water.

I grabbed my keys and briefcase and ran out the door, muttering a goodbye to Ralphy. I’m fucking sick of these nightmares! They died fifteen years ago… It’s time to get some help, I guess. I got in my car and carefully pulled out of the garage. With caution, I drove to work. I turned on the radio to avoid all thoughts that might interfere with what little sanity I have left. I really couldn’t handle being completely insane. I sighed; the traffic was terrible. It always is; just this morning, it seemed to bother me worse than normal.

I impatiently tapped the steering when with my thumbs. Stupid red light; change already. Of course it didn’t listen. I closed my eyes. I should have just stayed in bed or at least got an appointment with a shrink. I’m fucking crazy. Poor Ralphy has to put up with my sorry ass. Next thing I heard was a honk. Shit. I drove through the stoplight and sped down the road until I reached my destination.

The tall skyscraper that I work in honestly should be called my second home. I spend way more time here than at home. Mr. Richards, my boss, knew to keep me busy. He’s on my side; he doesn’t want me to go crazy. He was good friends with my parents, so he understands. I’m just glad he is my head honcho rather than Mark. Fuck him. He thinks he knows everything! He always fucks with me. Peggy says he’s just flirting. I just roll my eyes and do my job. I know he’s gay, but still.

I walked into the elevator and pressed the button for floor 32. I waited a good while until it stopped on floor 27. Bill, the janitor pushed his cart onto the elevator and then entered himself. I offered him a small head nod and he grinned, a few teeth missing from the front from years of his smoking habits. We were civil to one another, but we never really spoke to one another. Finally, the elevator dinged for my exit. I exited quickly and took a sharp right to the hall in which my job took place. I walked in quietly, but Mr. Richards caught me anyway. He smiled and called me over to him.

“Aiden, how are you doing?” He motioned for me to take a seat. I did as he asked, but then shrugged.

“I guess I’m alright. I’ve been having…nightmares.” I whispered the last part. No one knew that my parents were killed except my boss. No one asked, so I didn’t tell.

“Again? Son, you should really go see a psychiatrist. It’s not healthy for you. You know, from working here so long, you get the benefits of seeing the psychiatrist provided by Corporate.” I shook my head.

“I didn’t realize, sir.” He gave me a warm smile and a hearty chuckle. He ran his hand through his gray hair.

“Don’t call me sir, alright. Mr. Richards is fine. You know that.” I looked down. It was just so unprofessional to call him that.

“Yes, sir—I mean Mr. Richards.” I gave him a nod before standing to go to my cubicle. “I have to get to work now, you know how Mark gets all pissy.” He chuckled once more and nodded in return.

“Yeah, I know. Have a good day, kid.” I felt the heat rise to my face. It was a little embarrassing when he called me kid, considering I was almost twenty-six. I guess to him I was still a kid. He was well into his fifties.

I started walking towards my cubicle, but of course I was stopped by none other than Mark himself.  I rolled my eyes. I really didn’t want to put up with his shit today. Not after the horrid nightmares I had. He can haunt me and he’s living.

“Ai-den!!! Whyyy aren’t you working yet? You were supposed to clock in ten minutes ago. Ugh! You’re so irresponsible.” I just kept walking and ignored him. “Ai-den! Stop ignoring me! You’re supposed to listen to me.” He followed me.

“Not until I’m dead.” I rolled my eyes again and sat at my desk. “And maybe not even then.” He scoffed.

“So rude. You need to respect me! I’m in a higher position than you here.” He whined. I wish he would just fucking shut up.

“Only because I didn’t take the promotion.” I laughed. He pouted and crossed his arms. “You know, more people might like you if you didn’t act like a toddler most of the time. And if you could learn how to shut the hell up, too.” His eyes bugged out. I heard Peggy laugh on the other side of my cubicle.

“You tell him Ai!” She said, holding her hand up above the short cubicle walls, waiting for a high-five. I gently high-fived her hand and smirked when angry, huffed up Mark walked away. “You up for lunch today?” She asked.

“Uh, sure. I have no plans as always.” I heard her stifle a giggle. Peggy was nice, but sadly, way out of my league. She even told me once that we were better off as friends and co-workers. That moment further proved that I’m no good for anyone. I sighed heavily before submitting myself to the day’s work.