With quick moving hands
And urgent lips.
As if tossed in bed,
we cling to each other.
We are sweaty and the
sheets are dirty.
But were just lying now.
Our bodies touching
with slow thinking minds
and fast pounding hearts.
Were just lying now, together.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Very good sensory details, its very descriptive for such a short piece. Aside from a few grammatical errors, the only problem I have is the last line. It just feels like it didn't do justice to such a perfect poem.
Epic Win Suzz! Made me laugh
Um... Good poem but seriously needs some work...
Keep Writing!
~Slade-izzle
Hi there Carolinewashere!
Be more assertive! No, "as if"s, make a statement!Sweaty and dirty are great things, but I don't feel it. How is it sweaty? sticky? does it smell? or is it just sort of mild? Do you actually notice that? is it slippery? And what kind of dirty? Did you just roll around in mud, or are you rolling around in breakfast cereal? Is it really gross? Is it blood? Be more vivid and specific, and try to appeal to the five senses. What does the "dirty" smell like?
This is a good line, but kind of strange. If you think about it, the bodies don't have minds, but you do, so really it's a bit lost. You're talking about a lot of things in just one sentences. Maybe you can break them up to give each one it's own life? and instead of saying "slow" makes us feel how slow. Can you make a metaphor, a simile? Can you use words, or punctuation to make it feel slow? What are the hearts pounding like? A personal favorite of mine is that the heart is trying to beat out of the chest. Try to come up with your own unique way to describe it.
Repetition is good, but you have to have a darn good reason for doing it. What about the lying is so important? Are you thinking anything while lying? Are you doing anything else but lying? How are you lying? Flat, straight, or curled in a ball, with messy hair and so forth? Is the "together" more important than anything else? How is this different from before? Since this is the strength of your poem, this change, you need to make it as strong and as contrasting from the rest, so we can see both why it is important, and why it is different. It's also confusing because the poem is in the present tense the whole time, but they aren't currently touching...they're lying. Perhaps if you used the past tense with present, it would work better. The line is just too simple, in my opinion, to give any impact.
I think this is a great base for a poem. You can add a lot too it, imagery, feelings, better words, more life. I'm also not certain about the line breaks. It's just such a short poem, and you chop it up so that it's sort of blocky to read. Your line breaks should be well thought out, to a certain extent. Maybe you can cut them to reflect how one breathes while in these heightened moments? At the least, it just feels very short, small. I think adding some life to this will make it an even better poem.
If you have any questions, or need help with something, feel free to PM me! Good luck!
I liked it, short and sharp. But I think the subject matter and what you are trying to convey, the emotion behind it, is unclear. Maybe you could make it a bit longer and talk about that in more detail.