Say "Sienara"
to this diorama
of my life.
I'm tired of being a clay-mation
in this old shoe box of a situation.
Stop trying to mold my mind
its not made out of clay like my outsides.
Die my hair, put makeup on my face
even drag me around and put me in a new place.
Draw me speech bubbles with words of your own
but my thought bubbles will out shadow those.
Your insecurities about me act as coal
for the fire in my belly,
that drives my un-mold-able mind
so to you MR. MAN! I am NO tool of any kind.
thanks for reading. please critique!! How else could i get better??
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
This was nice. It was original and clever, but it's rhythm could use a little improvement. I really couldn't find any reason to it. Also, your rhyme scheme was a little odd. Sometimes the two consecutive lines would rhyme and sometimes there would be one inbetween and sometimes I wasn't really sure what was going on by way of rhyme.
But anyway, I liked this. It kind of reminded me of "Barbie Girl" the song, as if she is rebelling finally from all the control that is being exercised on her. Sorry, the comparison is pretty atrocious, but that was the first thing that came into my head.
Great job. A little more rhythm and it would really be fantastic!
Good luck!
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling
This has a great message and ryhmes well. Keep up the good work.
Try using more punctuation to help make it a little clearer.
This was... Awesome! I'm not really sure what else to say... It was very orgininal, I've never seen a poem about clay before. Have you posted any other poems like this that I can read? Oh and, welcome to YWS by the way!
The word diorama in the second line doesn't need to be capitalized. During the end of it I began to get a little confused.
You put: "...with out shadow those your insecurities..." The words, those, and your shouldn't be put side by side like that. Say this out loud and you'll see what I mean. Also, there shouldn't be a space between "with" and "out."
Other than those things it was great!