just as the earth, my emotions rotate on a scheduled orbit.
they revolve around the stability of my mind.
some days are filled with the scarce comfort of admirably rejuvenated and
effortless desire.
yet when the sun sets, i’m left scared.
of what could be.
what should be.
what will be.
whilst suffering in the mirror, the
real cause of this excruciating cycle stares back into my eyes.
i guess this is what i was made for.
no, not to overcome the endless loop of pain.
that’s far too optimistic.
i suppose my true purpose is to be scared.
-cg
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Okay, uh, I didn't really know what I was expecting, reading this poem, but let me just say that I really liked it as a whole.
THINGS I ENJOYED:
- Your use of simile here --> ("just as the earth, my emotions rotate on a scheduled orbit.")
I think it gives the reader insight into your emotional function, if that makes any sense. Usually, people describe their emotions as a jumble, or a mess, but I think this is an interesting way of portraying them.
- I especially was interested in the sense of panic you conveyed through short, simple lines, specifically these ones:
"yet when the sun sets, i’m left scared.
of what could be.
what should be.
what will be."
It seems as if you are coming to terms with your panic, as well as thinking about the different ways the world around you could turn on you. (Perhaps this is too much of a melodramatic analysis, so forgive me if I'm not right on the money, or something.) Anyways, I think it's a short, and powerful stanza, that really sets up the rest of the poem.
"i guess this is what i was made for.
no, not to overcome the endless loop of pain.
that’s far too optimistic.
i suppose my true purpose is to be scared."
I don't really have a critique/analysis for this stanza, I just thought it was a beautiful conclusion to a really great poem. I'm glad I took the time to read it.
I hope you feel better soon, if this piece is actually about you. I wasn't too sure to begin with.
Keep writing!
-snapcracklepop
incase you didn’t catch it...
scarce
comfort (of)
admirably
rejuvenated (and)
effortless
desire
spells scared.
that’s all <3
Hello, Hikari here with a review!
First I think the name fits your poem and the theme perfectly and how you put a space between each letters for that really made it come across as someone who's shattered which is cool!
{yet when the sun sets, i’m left scared.
of what could be.
what should be.
what will be.}.
This line is probably my favorite of someone being unable to sleep because of memories (and fear it seems)
{just as the earth, my emotions rotate on a scheduled orbit.
they revolve around the stability of my mind.}
And this first line here is just a masterpiece! I mean iv never thought of it that way ya know?
All in all its a pretty good poem! Kudos ❤
Hi, Avis here to review ^-^
I really like your poem, especially how it expressed the way stress and fear act as a cycle, and I think you did a great job of showing the emotion.
Since this poem was pretty freestyle, the length of the lines varied a lot and it worked pretty well, but there were a couple areas I think you might want to change the syllable count to make it a bit smoother. For example, you have the repetetive lines "of what could be. what should be. what will be." where I really like the decreasing syllable count between the first two, but I think you could extend the pattern to the third line and shorten it to something like "what is."
Your word choice throughout the poem felt amazing, and I especially loved lines like "some days are filled with the scarce comfort of admirably rejuvenated and." Aside from those great descriptors, your choice to end with "and" draws the reader to the next line (you do this a couple times throughout the poem; there's a word for it I forgot, but I really love the way it simultaneously jars me with the break and also prompts me to keep going). I also thought your use of the word "scared" both throughout the poem and in the title was interesting. My first thought was "replace it with 'afraid'" because of the way it feels very simplistic, but I've realized that the simplistic feeling of "scared" instead of "afraid" adds to the poem's mood. It makes the speaker almost childlike in their fear, and I imagine my own fear and how childlike it makes me feel.
So overall, this poem was great! I really love the topic and how you chose to focus on feelings as a cycle, which I can definitely relate to. I have some good days, but a bad day can still leave me terrified of anything: the present, the future, and everything I could possibly worry about. And you ended on a rather dismal note, with the speaker concluding that their "true purpose is to be scared." While I can't say I always like sad endings, this really resonates with me because bad days leave me with similar thoughts.
I really enjoyed reading and analyzing this poem! Great job ^-^
Hello there, carmendiglenn! Welcome to YWS! Incoming review!
They come off from the medium-length line To remedy the choppiness of those lines, in particular, I would just add, "I'm scared of...." to the beginning of that first line. It would be a lead into the other shorter lines and I feel would work better. Using these different types of line lengths can still work if you transition into slightly longer or shorter lengthes at a time, like a gradient.Your poem piqued my interest and I'm glad I read it! I'm not the best at reviewing lyrical works so I'm gonna try my best.
I'll start out with critique first. My biggest complaint would be the length of your lines. You have some very long lines, medium-length lines, and very short lines. In traditional poetry, not too sure about lyrical, line length can contribute to the poem's flow and if it feels off or not. I think it's most apparent in these lines
But I'm done with critiques, let me praise your work here! These lines are so well put together. So much of the time I only think of emotions as spontanious and come from an outside factor. But here, I get to see a new perspective as to how someone's emotions might be so regulated that they're on a tight schduel, revolving around your mind. Writing is such a great way to look into another person's thought process and I think you utilized that to its potential.
I'm a sucker for poems that don't have "happy" endings. And this is no exception. I've been in that state where I thought my only purpose was to suffer for other people to be happy from what I could give them. If you do feel this way, All things must pass <3333 But life is somber, so we'll just have to deal for now.
But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of this useful! Again, I hope you have a nice time here on YWS, and I hope you stay for more writing to come! Anyway byeeeeeeeeeeee<3