Nevermore-part 2

Lorraine leans against the wall in the girls’ dressing room, which doubles as a greenroom and is therefore double the disaster. “Shit,” she says. “I can’t believe our dress rehearsal’s next week.”

“Nervous?” asks Celia playfully. She chucks a little black eyeliner bottle at her.

“Only for scene three.” It’s her big kiss scene with Ryan, who has the curly black hair of some Greek god and is quite possibly the best kisser Lorraine has ever had the pleasure of acting with.

One of the guys, Peter, walks in with his brows furrowed. “Anyone seen my sword?” He looks up and realizes that around him stand six girls in only bras and underwear. “I put it in here after act two scene seven, but . . .”

Celia digs through a pile of clothes. “You know, some of us might actually care that you’re in here while we’re naked.”

Across the room one of the girls announces that she’s taking off her bra and nobody can look. Lorraine laughs and pushes Peter towards the door. “Man,” she says. “I love theater.”

~

Lorraine bikes home slowly. She doesn’t really want to hang out with Penny later; Penny’s a nerd and couldn’t possibly share most of Lorraine’s DNA. She keeps thinking about that kiss in scene three. It needs more feeling. After that scene, her character’s entire motivation comes from pleasing Claudius. If the kiss lacks feeling, the audience won’t believe her actions for the whole show.

She thinks about a lot of things at once, or maybe a lot of things in very quick succession, and before she knows it she’s come to the big hill that she’s taken as the halfway point between home and town. She dismounts the bike and walks up, not wanting to face the indignity of having to get off halfway up. She grins at the sight of three rottweilers playing by the side of the road.

Three rottweilers?

Lorraine recognizes them from town. They belong to Mrs. Ruth, who has a reputation for collecting stray dogs like some people collect baseball cards or old pennies. How did they get all the way out here? Lorraine whistles to them and they pause to look at her. “Come on, guys,” she calls. “Lets get you home.”

She doesn’t have much trouble getting them home, which is surprising to her because for her entire life dogs have devoted themselves to hating her with a passion. She walks beside her bike as woods turn into stands of trees between farmhouses and finally into the small town of Greenburgh. Lorraine leaves her bike lying in the sidewalk as she heads up to Mrs. Ruth’s door. The little old lady is sitting on her porch in a rocking chair.

“Oh, hello, you must be selling Girl Scout cookies. You look a little old, dear, I had no idea they lt you stay until you were thirteen.”

“I’m fifteen, Mrs. Ruth,” Lorraine says, insulted that anyone would see her as a thirteen-year-old. She looks sexy. “I’m not with Girl Scouts, either. I found three of your dogs way out on Long Road. I was just bringing them back.”

Mrs. Ruth’s wrinkled old face lights up. Lorraine notices that she’s wearing a fluffy pink bathrobe that doesn’t quite cover up a big white cast on her foot. She bends down at the waist to greet the three rotties that prance about on their hind legs, eager to lick Mrs. Ruth’s face. When they wag their tails their whole back end wags too. “Why thank you, sweetheart. You’re a doll.” She grins up at Lorraine through glasses that must be a half an inch thick, and she doesn’t seem to notice the awkward silence that’s crawling up from the ground to soak their ankles.

“Mrs. Ruth is there anything I can do to help you? With your leg?”

“Well, aren’t you a sweetie. I could use your help getting my extra paper towels down from the top shelf. I run out a couple’a days ago.” She leads Lorraine into a house that looks like it came straight out of the fifties. The living room is carpeted with a thick mustard monster that seems about ready to eat someone. An ancient TV and rabbit ears hunker down by the far wall, surrounded by corduroy-covered reclining chairs and footstools all in mustard-yellow or dirt brown. Mrs. Ruth talks continuously as she hobbles at a snail’s pace into the kitchen. “You’re Angela Harbors’ kid, right? The one with a twin? I always figured you two for nice girls. You remind me of my granddaughter, who’s off fighting in that war they got going on. Girls fighting. I’ll be. Anyway. My granddaughter Lisa named the three sweethearts you brought back to me.”

It takes Lorraine a moment to realize she’s talking about the dogs. “It was nothing, really.” She stands on tiptoe to grab a roll of paper towels off the top of a cabinet. “There you go, Mrs. Ruth. I’ll just show myself out.”

Mrs. Ruth doesn’t take the hint and follows Lorraine back into the living room. The three rottweilers are lying in the center of the triangle made of reclining chairs, looking for all the world like canine Sphynxes. “That one’s Nephew. He’s barely more than a puppy, really, such a lover. And that’s Wile E., he’ll steal the shirt off your back if you’re not watching it, and that one’s Blue. No reason for his name, any more than it’s a pretty color, all things considered.”

“Sure is. See you around, Mrs. Ruth.” Lorraine scoots out of there before the conversation can go on any longer. She has a long bike ride home.

Her mind turns to other things as she heads out of town. She thinks about that kiss in scene three, and how maybe she and Ryan should practice in real life. For the sake of the scene, of course. She gets most of the way home when she turns back to see three rottweilers trailing after her, their tails wagging.

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Faithe
Review
Faithe wrote a review · Fri Jul 25, 2008 6:43 pm

Hmm. Lorraine seems superficial to me, so it was surprising that she took the time to bring the dogs home, especially when dogs hate her and she obviously isn't too fond of Mrs. Ruth. Why would she do that? It seemed out of character.

As Yatta said, I would REALLY like to know more about your characters' pasts. We know nothing right now. And I'm still confused with the twin situation, really. Look back at my critique on the first part to see some of my questions. I'd be thrilled if you answered them :D

Okay. Just go more into your characters, is the advice I have for you. Treat them like people. Go on a long walk and talk to them. Better yet, let them talk to you. They're bound to have some pretty interesting things to say (;

Keep it up!

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Yatta!
Review
Yatta! wrote a review · Fri Jul 25, 2008 6:35 pm

Very nice, I'm happy you put "most" this time, even though 99.9 DNA is absolutely correct, dear. Nevertheless, I really like the continuation. Penny seems just as unique as Lorraine which is really really impressive. I think you need to put some more debt into the characters as you go along though. Keep asking your character's questions about themselves. All we know is that superficially, this is Lorrainne and superficially this is Penny.

Ask Questions like "Why does Lorraine dress sexily" and come up with answers that aren't conventional like (to be different) or (to be sexy), but truly deep and substantial like (she once saw a woman dressed in a tight red dress when she was little, and noticed how she got everything she wanted. So, Lorraine wants to get everything she wants to.) See how much more evolved the second answer is? Because it's a question I personally want an answer to, I ask you consider it and questions like:

"Why does Penny not like to see her sister's face in the morning? What is so irksome?"
"Why is their mom home in the mornings? What's going on at work?"
"Where is their dad in the equation, why has he been out of it?"
"Why is Lorraine irked by Ms. Ruth?"
"Why does Penny consider dressing sexy like Lorraine, albeit for only a moment?"
"What does Lorraine achieve that Penny does not?"
"What the hell is the reheresal for/ about and why is it going on in the summer?"
"Is it even summer? What season is this?"
"Do they go to school? How about a school scene?"

Just, make them more like you. You have a past, present, and future, and all your characters have right now is a present. They need to be evolved through this story because I really this story and THAT'S JUST WHAT I WANT. :)

Honestly, I think it just makes stories seem more alluring and capturing when the characters are no superficial, even Harry Potter, in all it's infantile nature, still attempted to have some sort of character development. JK gave a few charactersa vague summary of a past, at least.

Oh, and for the record, right now, I think the writing of this story (not the idea of the story, personally, sorry.) is what better than Harry Potter. I see originality and not a lack of individualism. Good job!

P.S. Did I ever tell you about Pat O'shae and the HOUND OF THE MORRIGAN ?

Really...you really need to read it. The parallels are freaky.



Perfect kindness acts without thinking of kindness.
— Lao Tse