The little girl twirled her silky brown hair, giggling at me with a smile as big as a watermelon slice.
“Sylvia, would you please stop staring at our guest!” Her mother laughed, shaking her head. “I am so sorry about that, Paul. I’ve never seen her act like this around any of our other friends.”
“Oh, no, you’re quite alright. She’s probably just not used to having me around.” I returned my gaze back to her glowing face. “Is it kind of weird with me being here?” Her blue eyes widened and before I knew it she’d jumped down from her seat and was dashing over to her mother as fast as her stubby little legs would carry her. Clicking across the wooden floor in the short heels and purple dress her mother had struggled to get her in before the occasion, she took refuge behind her now-standing mother.
The petite woman looked at me embarrassed and apologetic. “Again, Paul, I’m really sorry that I couldn’t find her a babysitter tonight.” She bent over to pick up her daughter and grunted as she threw her up to her shoulder. “Ms. Doris is almost always available, but she recently came down with a nasty case of the flu.”
Unable to stifle a grin, I looked down at my plate, inhaling the delicious aromas of steaming spaghetti and exhaling a light-hearted chuckle. Looking back up, I waved a hand of understanding. “I know how little girls can be, Rachel... My niece was the exact same way when she was her age.”
“You mean unpredictably crazy and out-of-control?”
“More like incredibly funny and a joy to be around.”
She sighed, using her free hand to push back a curtain of brunette hair that had fallen out from behind her ear. With her sparkling blue eyes she stared lovingly at her mischievous daughter, who was now swinging her legs back and forth as she sat suspended from the hi-chair of her mother’s arms. Adjusting her daughter higher up on her shoulder she put on a playful voice. “Alright, Ms. Sylvia, I think that’s enough for one night. What do you say we take you to bed?”
Weighing her options, Sylvia peered over her mother’s shoulder toward her room down the narrow hallway and glanced back at me. She nodded vigorously.
“Alrighty, then. Before we go, why don’t you tell Paul ‘Goodnight’?” Reluctant, she slowly rotated her head back toward me and at the first glimpse of my apparently laughable face recoiled, burying her head into her mother’s delicate shoulder. Rolling her eyes, Rachel mouthed, “Give me one second.”
She turned and walked down the hall toward Sylvia’s room with the hem of her glittering blue dress dragging across the floor. We were supposed to go dancing tonight, but on account of my phone call to Ms. Doris, we’d experienced a change of plans.
Immediately after she and Sylvia crossed the threshold of the room and light leaked into the hallway, I silently arose from my seat and slipped a sweaty hand into the inside pocket of my coat jacket. Digging around I felt a cool and relieving touch of the object that would forever change my life: the engagement ring.
As stealthy as a cat on the prowl I tiptoed down the thankfully carpeted hallway. The murmuring of Rachel and her daughter grew louder and louder until I came to a smooth halt at the edge of the doorway..
“Now, honey, I know that this must be confusing, but if you go to bed it will all make more sense in the morning.” That was my cue.
Wiping my hands down my silky pants, I breathed in a gust of hope and stepped through the threshold. Rachel was facing the far wall of the pink, polka-dotted room, pulling a fluffy white blanket over Sylvia. After getting the blanket just below Sylvia’s chin, she hunched over her, gently pressing her lips to her forehead. “I love you, Sylvia.”
Just like at the beginning of the night, an irrevocable smile crept in between Sylvia’s rosy cheeks.
“What’s wrong?” Rachel asked. Sylvia yanked her hand from out underneath the cover and aimed a tiny finger at me. Rachel spun around quickly.
“That would’ve looked nice on the dance floor, tonight.”
She laughed, tilting her head in perplexity. “What’s going on, Paul?”
“There’s something that I need to ask you.”
“And what’s that?”
Kneeling down, I extended my clenched fist, opening it up to reveal the diamond ring. “Rachel Thomas, will you marry me?” She gasped, reeling back onto the edge of Sylvia’s bed in disbelief. Tears streamed down her gorgeous cheeks.
I stayed knelt down, my heart thumping like a drum. I gulped, “So what will it be?”
I’ll never forget the response I received.
Dropping her hands down from her mouth, she began to say, “My answer is-”, but before she could finish, Sylvia exploded from the bed, throwing herself into my arms.
“Her answer is ‘YES’!” Although those were the only words she spoke to me that night, they were the most important that I’ll ever hear in my life.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hiya!
I love your story! It was so cute! I do agree with wonderland that it moved a little fast, but I almost don't see it with the way it ended.
The thing for me was how it started out, it seemed as if Sylvia had just met the man, and if the two of them were in such a deep stage in their relationship that he could propose, it would seem that Sylvia should already know him and be comfortable with him, whereas Rachel is surprised at Sylvia's reaction saying that "Paul. I’ve never seen her act like this around any of our other friends.” That part just confused me a bit.
Also I really thought that you should space out each paragraph, you have some wonderful paragraphs, and you could add so much more emphasis on certain comments had you spaced it out more. I didn't use to space out my paragraphs, but I realize they don't give the readers the same affect if not spaced.
I do think that this was a beautiful short story, but remember short stories don't always have to be that short, they could be up to 50 pages! So if you had wanted to add more, maybe about their past dates, possibly elaborating on his relationship with her up to that very night. Usually I would think that if a man was to propose he would be thinking on his first date with the woman how they met, or were introduced...etc...you could have even implemented Sylvia into that.
Overall though I think it was a great plot and story, with a beautiful meaning. I truly enjoyed it.
Thewritersdream
keep the dream!
Alright, so, I liked your characters, and you seem to have a good grip on characterization, and what they are like. My main concern with your short story is that you move much too fast. You do a good job of showing the reader, but you need to slow down and do that more. Show the reader what your character is thinking, especially in a moment as important as this. Take the reader through every nervous breath, every moment of silence before a reply. Putting in little details of description like that will amplify the emotion and the setting for the reader.
Emotion is something else you need to add in. Think about how your characters-and you-would feel if you just got proposed to. Would the be shock? Tears? Just something to consider.
I think you have a lovely beginning of a story. Good luck writing
~Wonderland