As a child, during 1st grade I wanted friends, But couldn't find. the same issue continued until 3rd grade, When a girl and I became bff's I was very happy really happy. then as we moved to 4th grade, a new girl joined us and became our bff, then in 5th grade things changed, she began making me and my bff drift away and she began cheating fro me in quizes, I hated her..... then In grade 6 she left the school and I became a bff with another one we were good friends actually. then as we were finishing 6th grade things changed..... I decided to go to another class and now I regret it. When I first arrived I sad beside a girl but she was different she loved her bff really loved her then her bff left her and she began sitting alone in breaks, and as you know I was new and had no friends and sat alone at breaks alone while all the class were with their friends. then I got to know her and know her problem and talking a lot and consequently becoming bffs....... We really liked each other. then in grade 8 everything changed. She was changing she said that she wants us to be friends with another two girls and she asked me I said yes because if I refused she would have said "you are controlling me and so on." so I agreed. step by step she began drifting away from me. she really liked this girl really liked her so she ditched me by a small problem for her and said let's be friends. I was sad really sad but I don't care she will see how her education level will be she was always bringing straight 100%! then she began bringing 99% then 98% and so on and I am sad for her because her new friend is using her for good grades. her new friend began bringing better grades than her. but, maybe she was an exam to know how to choose friends.
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140,739 Literary Works • 673,684 Reviews
This is really sad! ;( Thanks for sharing your story!
I think this story was really nice but the only thing I can pick at is basic grammar- capitalisation, commas,etc. and punctuation!
Here is the fixed up version on P1:
As a child, during 1st grade I wanted friends, but couldn't find them. The same issue continued until 3rd grade. This all changed when a girl and I became bff's. I was very happy, really happy. Then as we moved to 4th grade, a new girl joined our little friendship and became our new bff. Unfortunately, in 5th grade things changed. She began making me and my bff drift away and she began copying my work and cheating from me in quizes and tests. I hated her... In 6th grade she left the school and I became bff's with another girl. A girl we were good friends with actually. As we were finishing 6th grade things (once again) changed...
I think you should divide it into paragraphs and just proof read it and you should be fine! Great storyline and keep on writing!
HAVE FUN!
Thanks for the advice, excuse my English am Egyptian Xd.
Spoiler
Look, YWS is a great place with a lot of great people. If you start talking to them, you will be able to get new awesome frnds who will try their bests to help you. I got to live through those sucking experiences only cus i had YWS and my frnds here.
So, be brave, be safe, always believe in yourself. It's just the nature of things to go bad, but for this, don't make yourself go bad, kay?
Now, the review part-
First of all, nothing to nitpick about the title. It's best the way it is and the "dots" really match with the mood of the writing. But you used too many dots. Three or four would be better.
Then, the setting of this piece. You need to work more on it. The whole writing felt like -"someone is just saying what happened after what and what happened after that". There was no point where you wrote "how you felt". This sort of personal writing require quite a deal of lines expressing your emotions during that experience. At least that's what I think.
Also, you didn't use any passage. I mean, didn't cut the whole writing into some paras. But, it would have been better. It would feel easier to read and also to understand where emphasis should be given or where you were intensifying the situation etc.
Besides,it's just my suggestion. Since you were writing your experiences according to your grade, I think, it might look better if you wrote it somewhat like this-
Grade 1
.....(describe what happened then)
Grade 2
....( d. w. h. t. )
and then it may go on like this.
And, there were a lot of punctuation, grammatical and spelling mistakes. You had better watch out for them and you should re-read the work and edit it. Cus, with all those mistakes, the writing might make the readers confused.
Oh, and one thing more, since you are talking about a lot of people, you can just use "A" , "B" etc or any other number or letter or even fictional names to separate them. Cus, with only "she", it made me confused..whom were you talking about??
I don't really intend to hurt you with this writing of yours. I just want that you write better and be happier.
Hope it helps.
thanks for the advice bro
just can't welcome you, i am sorry..
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Aww. That is heartbreaking. I feel for you! And I can totally relate to this. I changed schools a few years ago and I though I had made friends but it turns out most of them were using me too. I know how you feel. Your not alone. Best wishes, and try writing poems about ow you feel. It helped with me.
awwwwwwww thank you <3 if someone is using your for their good keep away from them.