Young Writers Society

Hi there caraluvsmusic! Niteowl here to offer a review!

I'll start off with the good. I think the opening couplet paints a strong image. I also like the choppy rhythm of this bit

Slamming doors, Breaking dishes

Hide in the corner, It's fictitious

Faded smiles, Tears and wishes

Crumbled down, Hits and misses

However, I think there's room for improvement (there always is). The first thing that jumps out at me is the title and refrain, which reference the famous Elvis song. Now, artists have been borrowing from other artists since the dawn of time, but in this case it doesn't make much sense to me. There's no other hotel-related imagery, so it just feels like the refrain is there to lend the appearance of a cohesive structure.

Secondly, this piece falls into a trap that's very common for would-be rhymers (including myself, at times). See the section below?

Traded lies, Seeing vicious

Memories, Hazy visions

Pale faces, I'm seditious

Walking slowly, falling bridges

Frankly, none of that makes any sense. The rhythm that worked in the beginning gets dragged on so long that the rhyme becomes forced and nonsensical. "Seditious", for example, means "inciting or causing people to rebel against the authority of a state or monarch", which has nothing to do with a breakup. The bridges imagery might work, but it needs some expansion to fit in. Maybe you could make a chorus involving bridges falling/burning?

The choppy AAAA rhyming works well in the first few lines, but even Shakespeare would struggle with finding eight different rhyming words that make sense, especially with such short lines. My suggestion: either switch the rhyme scheme and/or use longer verses for part of it.

The forced rhyming comes into play again at the end with "silver plaques". In general, always focus on whether a word makes sense in your poem/lyrics, not just "does it rhyme?". It's not easy, but your work will be so much better for it. Try working in free verse if you want to explore without the constraint of rhyme.

I walked up to the first person I see

She whispered vague and quietly

Minor tense issue here, as pointed out by a previous reviewer. It seems like the rest is in past tense, so I suggest keeping it that way. However, I don't feel like this verse adds anything to the song as it is. It might work if you expanded on this other character's story a bit--how did she end up heartbroken?

Overall, I think there's a lot to work with here. If you work on more natural rhyming and a stronger song structure, I think it would be even better. Keep writing and welcome to YWS!