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Heartbreak Hotel (Edit 2)

by caraluvsmusic


Stepped out of the past walked up to the gleaming moonlight


Said you'd be waiting for me on the spot of midnight


You weren't there, no one cared

Everything was dark and quiet

Shattered hearts, scattered minds

Blurry lights all the time


I walked up to the first person I see

She whispered vague and quietly

You're gonna want to leave

But you just have to believe

This is the heartbreak hotel


Slamming doors, Breaking dishes

Hide in the corner, It's fictitious

Faded smiles, Tears and wishes

Crumbled down, Hits and misses

Traded lies, Seeing vicious

Memories, Hazy visions

Pale faces, I'm seditious

Walking slowly, falling bridges

This is the heartbreak hotel


Everything was coming back

Slowly drowning, heart attack

Lost in time, I was trapped

Slamming down silver plaques

This is the heartbreak hotel


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Sun Feb 15, 2015 3:44 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there caraluvsmusic! Niteowl here to offer a review!

I'll start off with the good. I think the opening couplet paints a strong image. I also like the choppy rhythm of this bit

Slamming doors, Breaking dishes

Hide in the corner, It's fictitious

Faded smiles, Tears and wishes

Crumbled down, Hits and misses


However, I think there's room for improvement (there always is). The first thing that jumps out at me is the title and refrain, which reference the famous Elvis song. Now, artists have been borrowing from other artists since the dawn of time, but in this case it doesn't make much sense to me. There's no other hotel-related imagery, so it just feels like the refrain is there to lend the appearance of a cohesive structure.

Secondly, this piece falls into a trap that's very common for would-be rhymers (including myself, at times). See the section below?

Traded lies, Seeing vicious

Memories, Hazy visions

Pale faces, I'm seditious

Walking slowly, falling bridges



Frankly, none of that makes any sense. The rhythm that worked in the beginning gets dragged on so long that the rhyme becomes forced and nonsensical. "Seditious", for example, means "inciting or causing people to rebel against the authority of a state or monarch", which has nothing to do with a breakup. The bridges imagery might work, but it needs some expansion to fit in. Maybe you could make a chorus involving bridges falling/burning?

The choppy AAAA rhyming works well in the first few lines, but even Shakespeare would struggle with finding eight different rhyming words that make sense, especially with such short lines. My suggestion: either switch the rhyme scheme and/or use longer verses for part of it.

The forced rhyming comes into play again at the end with "silver plaques". In general, always focus on whether a word makes sense in your poem/lyrics, not just "does it rhyme?". It's not easy, but your work will be so much better for it. Try working in free verse if you want to explore without the constraint of rhyme.

I walked up to the first person I see

She whispered vague and quietly


Minor tense issue here, as pointed out by a previous reviewer. It seems like the rest is in past tense, so I suggest keeping it that way. However, I don't feel like this verse adds anything to the song as it is. It might work if you expanded on this other character's story a bit--how did she end up heartbroken?

Overall, I think there's a lot to work with here. If you work on more natural rhyming and a stronger song structure, I think it would be even better. Keep writing and welcome to YWS! :)






Thank you for your review. To be quite honest, I didn't know that Elvis song existed. And that one part, it's not supposed to make an extreme amount of sense, you just have to think deep and hard :)

<3, cara



niteowl says...


Oh, it's one of his most famous songs so I assumed it was a deliberate reference. And forced rhyming is such a common problem that it's worth pointing out. Also, I would never expect people to think deep and hard about song lyrics ever. :P





I guess everyone comprehends things differently :D



niteowl says...


Okay, I'm curious now...what is the deep hidden meaning that I'm missing here? Maybe there's a better way to express it. :)





I'm not sure. It's whatever you imagine. I can't express in writing, only in pictures what this truly means to me. <3 :)



niteowl says...


Ah, I see, the personal stuff can be really hard to edit. :)





Yep... :)



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Sun Feb 15, 2015 3:10 am
angelwing12 wrote a review...



I love this! I only have a few suggestions for you.
instead of:

"I walked up to the first person I see

She whispered vague and quietly

You're gonna want to leave

But you just have to believe

This is the heartbreak hotel"

try:

"Walking up to the first person I see

She whispers vague and quietly

You're gonna want to leave

But you just have to believe

This is the heartbreak hotel"

Like I said I love this! It truly grasps the feelings and reality of heartbreak. I look forward to reading more of your pieces.






Thank you for your review! I'll take some of your suggestions into consideration :) <3, cara



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Sat Feb 14, 2015 9:22 pm
theironnovelist wrote a review...



hello there!
To start off I like the atmosphere of these lyrics. Dark and cold, depressing and mysterious, much like heartbreak. Sad, but ever asking, "What's next?"
These words beg the same question.
I'm wondering if you have a melody to go with this? Is this lyrical poetry, or the actual lyrics to an original work?
If it's a song, is this the chorus? Are there verses or a bridge or anything like that? It distracts me and I'm really wondering what part of a song this would be.

I suggest taking this all the way and writing a full tune! Liking it
Good start

~iron.n






Thank you for the feedback <3
It's bit's and pieces of a song I'm working on right now. I will finish it soon, but these are just little parts of it.




If it wasn't for poetry, I couldn't express myself.
— Rosendorn