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Young Writers Society



Luna, the princess of darkness

by candy_swirls


She stood facing towards the sky. Her legs trembled as her exhausted being, overwhelmed with fatigue crumbled to the core of the earth.. It was pouring heavily and the clouds seemed to be falling faster and faster as it began to suffocate her. She took long deep breaths, gasping for air. The wind blew strong and vigorous. Teardrops rolled quickly down her cheeks and her eyes welled up with tears again and again. Her hands and feet dirtied, with mud and soil.. She stayed knelt to the ground for hours, pouring her heart out and sending out long sharp shrieks that sent down chills down spines upon anyone who received it. She was surrounded as black roses and thorns sprouted from beneath her..

Luna was her name. A fair maiden with skin almost whiter than snow. Long curled black locks that seemed never ending. Her eyes were grey. Dark, misty grey that were always filled with sadness and grief. Her perfectly red lips looked as if bloodstained, significant to the anger and vengeance she had within. She wore a frilly tattered net-like gown. Layers of silk flowed down her frame. Spiders and snakes followed her wherever she went. A black rose on the side of her crown with blood that would trickle down her face everytime she wept. Her wound could be seen, stitched, when she ripped her own heart out from her chest. It was from the hurt of what was believed from her ex lover..

She was known as the Princess of Darkness in a small queer village known as Strangheville. People dared not utter a word of the melancholic town. It was otherwise known as the town of misery and horror. Strangheville was located next to a lake that seemed never ending and a swamp on the other side.

The villagers at Strangheville were never friendly but neither rude. In fact, they always seemed frightened and distraughted. The village had tall grey brick-houses that were unimaginably built by hand. Each time passerbys drove pass, the villagers would panick and scurry back into their homes. The villagers including their children were seen with frowns on their faces, as if imprinted on them. But the one thing that was noticed or otherwise heard of, was that children were hardly or rather, never seen running around. Rumour was that the children were locked up in their homes, afraid to be captured by the servants of the dark princess.

Mowragroafs, they were called. They were monsters created by Luna as slaves. The Mowragroafs were tall, dirty-green coloured. They had hairy legs and growled like tigers. Their stare frightened everyone. Their stench was so pungent that the villagers could always know when they were approaching. They were neither human nor animal. But in fact both. Screams of fear, believed were from children would be heard throughout the mountains and valleys all around. This happened in the middle of the nights when the Mowragroafs made their 'kill'. The captured were brought back to the tall dark castle at the end of the lake where the Princess of Darkness awaited. It is said that the children were used as portals to the Netherworld. Luna would stare straight into their eyes which no soul could escape. Which explains the black veil over her eyes when she is seen.

Every poor innocent child had to go through those eyes filled with grief, hurt, anger, misery and every inch of negativity you could never imagine. It would all be too much to handle for any living being, much less a child. The excruciating pain in their hearts would send them screaming as they turned into statues which were kept all around her castle.

That was the only way she could visit the netherworld. Luna was too, the Princess of The Undead. Those who died a tragic, unsettled or accidental death on earth would be sent to her. Strangheville was filled with morbidity and any passerby who came by to get food and water would never fail to leave with negative thoughts in their minds. Nobody knew how to banish the princess. Because nobody dared too. She was unspeakable and much feared off. People were forced to have children or they would be devoured alive by a pit of blood-thirsting snakes.

The wound on her chest from her ripped-out heart was the cause of her ex lover. Jeyler was his name. A fine young man, kind-hearted and charming. They were about to get married and lived in a cottage where the castle stood presently. They were the most loving couple anyone knew. Until one day..

Cheranna the seducer, known to throw herself at young man and make love to them. Only after, would she deprive them of their feelings which would only leave them as an 'empty shell' that would slowly rot and die. She could never find a young man like Jeyler and was jealous of the love he had for Luna.

One night, Jeyler and Luna had a heated argument. Jeyler stomped out of the house and took a walk by the riverside. That was when Cheranna came and seduced him. The next morning, Jeyler was found motionless by the riverside. He was alive and breathing but just like what Cheranna did to all the other man, she seduced him and then afterwhich deprived him of all feelings. Luna was overwhelmed with misery and the pain was too much to handle. She killed herself that morning, right next to Jeyler by ripping her heart out and bleeding to death.

That was how she became the Princess of Darkness. The tragic story was passed down to generations till this very day. Luna still had her strong love for Jeyler so much. Every now and then a huge thunderstorm would rain down on Strangheville as she wept of the unfortunate death of her husband-to-be. When she died, people then found out that she was carrying Jeyler's child. Which explains why she now keeps the statues of the children she uses as portals. Strangheville never once had sunlight that the villagers had longed for but only grey, cloudy skies covered the entire village.

Luna always felt alone and so created a henchman, not only to assist her but also as a confidant for Luna. His name was Moonmote. He gave orders to the Mowragroafs and would keep watch by Luna's side. However, Luna did not know of what was to come..

"Such monstrosity!", Balencia hollered at the top of his voice. Balencia was a 19-year-old young man who lived in Chirrupysun. Another small village located at the other far end of Strangheville. Chirrupysun was the total opposite of Strangheville. It was always shining with beautiful sunlight filled with happiness, love and warmth that was felt all around. "Such monstrosity has been tolerated for so many generations? And no one has took any action against it?". Balencia was furious and he just only came to know of Strangheville. His mother, Lucia dared not tell him such stories when he was a child as she did not want to frighten the young boy then. Lucia was a poised, refined and elegant lady. She stayed calm in her chair next to the fireplace, knitting. "Now my dear, be calm. Yes, we are definitely fillled with rage and pity for the people. But there's nothing we can do can we? She's a poweress." Lucia replied. Balencia kept silent as he lamented on his thoughts of he innocent children being killed. And he suddenly had a thought in mind.

To save the people of Strangheville.

The days passed slowly and the people of Chirrupysun seemed, surprisingly, gloomy for the first time. Yes, the day had come. The day the people most feared. The day where the village of happiness was seen with a tinge of gloom. People were arguing over the smallest things. Ancestors a few generations ago had predicted this day, where the gloom and misery would travel and slowly spread to the villages. The people of the cheerful village knew of this, but were always too busy being entertained to prepare for this day.

“Mother, something’s not right about this day.” Balencia said. “Why do you say so my son?” Lucia asked with her hands tightly clasped together, almost looking as if she was nervous. “I visited the market to get some items and I noticed a sense of, weird to say, but it seemed as if there was gloom and sadness all around. People seemed rather unfriendly actually.” Balencia replied with a frown on his face as he unpacked the items from his bag. There was silence from Lucia. He turned around to look, only to find that she was pacing up and down the squeaky wooden flooring beneath her dainty-liked feet. “Whatsoever is the matter mother? Is something wrong?” Balencia asked, worried.

Lucia kept silent and continued pacing up and down the squeaky flooring which Balencia got rather irritated with.

“Mother?”

“Oh yes, yes my son” she replied.

“My son, I have something I would like you to know..”

And so Lucia carried on telling her son about the ‘prophecy’.

To Be Continued..


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Wed Apr 02, 2008 4:46 pm
candy_swirls says...



THANKS PPL! :) I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR COMMENTS, COMPLIMENTS & CRITIQUES.

well, the whole story was writen when i had sudden urges of emotions.
haha. but yea, im thinking of doing another story from the PERSON'S point of view. mhmm.

sry if the story was corny.
i was just trying to put my emotions in it. 'Luna' was me actually. mhmm.
so i tried to use her to express myself.
hope ya knw wad i mean.

but thanks for the reviews and all. :)




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Tue Apr 01, 2008 10:40 am
deavarna_satina wrote a review...



I agree with previous reviews here. I would like a little more description and 'showing' the scenes. The idea of the story is good and there were some lovely expressive lines. The description of Luna was brilliant :-)
Now will this short story turn into a long stroy? Because it seems rather scandelous to leave it hanging at the end there. Give me an ending! What is this prophesy?
Hoping 'to be continued' means it will be continued!
Keep writing :-D




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Mon Mar 31, 2008 10:45 pm
GryphonFledgling wrote a review...



You left yourself a review when you asked your question. Just do the same thing on other people's writings.

Interesting concept for your story. However, you get your point across by telling the reader rather than showing them. Rather than telling us all about what is going on in this village, how about you have a main character go through the village and observe the happenings on their own.

I really liked the first few paragraphs, describing Luna and her screaming into the earth. Great stuff that. But then it turns into a lengthy description of her life. How about, instead, you tell it from her point of view? You don't necessarily have to have it in first person ("I am a postman and my job is to deliver letters.") but have her remembering what happened, touching her clothes, carefully veiling her eyes or capturing people's souls. I want to watch her do it, rather than just hearing about it after the fact.

A prophesy? *eyebrow raises* Hmmm...

Keep writing!

~GryphonFledgling




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Mon Mar 31, 2008 9:28 pm
idle muse wrote a review...



I loved the description, particularly Luna's. However, the dialogue needs work. KJ has already gone through that. The other point is that 'Mowragroafs' seems like a comedy name. It is really jarring to see something like that in such a serious piece. I suggest you change the name.

But I really liked this story, keep it up!




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Mon Mar 31, 2008 8:00 pm
KJ wrote a review...



Hey. Welcome to the YWS.

This story was, on the positive side, creative. Otherwise, I didn't much like it. I don't want to be mean, but at times reading this, the only word that came to mind was corny.

The dialogue felt forced and unrealistic. "My son" just sounds Star Wars, and "do you not" feels like Shakespeare.

You could come up with such better and more interesting names for things, also. "Strangheville" just sounds lame. Did you mean Strangeville or something? I did like the whole idea of the Mowragroafs. That was nicely done.

A bit too much narrative in this for a beginning, I felt.

I'm sorry that I'm being so critical. I feel bad. But I just wanted you to know what you can do to make this better, so good luck on your writing.




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Mon Mar 31, 2008 5:55 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey, you've got three reviews already ;). It's just commenting on another piece of work in the writing forums...

Anyway, I'm Stella, I'll be reviewing for you today!

Okay, onto the critique...

You've got some lovely words in here, and your descriptions are great. I noticed one thing...

Balencia was a 19-year-old young man who lived in Chirrupysun. Another small village located at the other far end of Strangheville.

That should be a comma after Chirrupysun, not a full stop. Also, write "nineteen" not 19... ;)

Also, you need to split up your dialogue...

“Mother, something’s not right about this day,” Balencia said.

“Why do you say so my son?” Lucia asked with her hands tightly clasped together, almost looking as if she was nervous.

“I visited the market to get some items and I noticed a sense of, weird to say, but it seemed as if there was gloom and sadness all around. People seemed rather unfriendly actually,” Balencia replied with a frown on his face as he unpacked the items from his bag.


Look at the changes I've put in...

Apart from that, I am going to use the old cliché, of show us, don't tell us. At some points, this actually worked well in your story, but in others, it seemed like you were listing off details... like when you described the Mowragroafs. Show us why people feared them. Say something like "The people would cower from the dreaded Mowragroafs, the evil looking creatures that she could summon. They were dirty green..." etc. Do you see? The same goes for the story with Jayler. Describe the argument, his storming out. Set the scene, it's far more interesting that way.

Apart from that, it was nicely done!

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella x




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Mon Mar 31, 2008 5:18 pm
candy_swirls says...



alright! im sry! im new here. :)
anyone knw how do i do a review? i have no idea.
an email keeps saying i need to do 2 reviews. hmmm.




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Mon Mar 31, 2008 5:14 pm
StellaThomas says...



Yeah, I'm agreeing with 3B here. could you please split up your paragraphs? It'll be so much easier to read, a big block of text doesn't work well on YWS ;)




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Mon Mar 31, 2008 4:53 pm
BigBadBear wrote a review...



Hey! Welcome to YWS. Now, before I read this I ask that you please put a space between each paragraph like I'm doing. You'll get a lot more critiques that way. Thanks.

And, make sure that you review 2 stories before you post 1 of yours. It's a rule here. Yeah, so after you've done that, send a PM my way and I'll gladly come back and read it.

-Jared





Don't gobblefunk around with words.
— Roald Dahl