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Blurs

by campbellrc22


1.My eyes opened and I looked around the room to see my parents and a nurse. Everything was a blur or mix of colors swirling around the room, trying to communicate with me. All of me felt different, from head to toe. The sensation around me felt like I haven’t been conscious for months, but it was just a mere six hours of torment from needles, cutting, and repairing. I lay there, taking none of the pain in at all, for the medicine and drugs washed away my pain. I truly started to realise what had taken place, and I slowly picked up my hand and gasped as I saw IV’s going into both sides of both of my hands. Not only this, but the pain slowly started to seep through the cracks as I remembered where I am. My back, my back, my back, my back, I thought as I winced in pain. Completely cut open, with only stitches holding my spine together from letting blood and organs from leaking out, I understood at this single moment how hard the next 3 months of recovery would be. The recent warmth turned into a fiery heat all around my body and at this time, the thought of even sitting up felt impossible to me. An overwhelming sadness and a sense of unfairness crashed on me as I thought about how I’m the child with all the problems physically, and why do I need to be the one going through this never ending pain, which only lasted for the past 15 seconds. Although the pain was immense, at least all of the stress and build up for this procedure seemed to go away from me and my family, but dreadful recovery had just begun.


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23 Reviews


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Tue Dec 22, 2020 2:27 am
Cici wrote a review...



Hello, campbellrc22!

This is so wonderfully written and expressive. I really liked your descriptions. I don't really have much to say because this feels very real and personal. I do have some suggestions and agree that sentences could be structured differently. Though, these are just some things that I'm throwing out as considerations!

The sensation around me felt like I haven’t been conscious for months, but it was just a mere six hours of torment from needles, cutting, and repairing.

Perhaps, "Around me, I felt a sensation of having been unconscious for months...."

Completely cut open, with only stitches holding my spine together from letting blood and organs from leaking out, I understood at this single moment how hard the next 3 months of recovery would be.

Maybe, "...with only stitches holding my spine together from leaking out blood and organs...."

An overwhelming sadness and a sense of unfairness crashed on me as I thought about how I’m the child with all the problems physically, and why do I need to be the one going through this never ending pain, which only lasted for the past 15 seconds.

I think it would be "a sense of unfairness crashed onto me as I thought...."
Also, consider this: "...I thought about how I'm the child with all the problems physically. Why do I need to be the one going through this neverending pain...?"

That's all I have to suggest. I do believe that you mentioned that this was your surgery experience, so I hope your recovery is going well.

Best of wishes,
Cici




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Mon Dec 21, 2020 6:41 pm
AndyS6 says...



The story is very well done. I feel as though it could have been broken up into some smaller paragraphs, allowing for more of a flow. Otherwise I thought it was well written and had a deep meaning. Good Job! :)




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Sun Dec 20, 2020 4:50 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Harry, here to leave a review. Looks like you're pretty new here so a late welcome to YWS. Hope you have fun here.

First Impression: Okay, so on first glance there's a sense of confusion here. It is quite a large paragraph of text without being broken up at all and it feels like its trying to convey perhaps few too many ideas in just the one paragraph. I feel the flow here isn't all that great. Let's get to a slightly deeper analysis.

Anyway let's get right to it,

My eyes opened and I looked around the room to see my parents and a nurse. Everything was a blur or mix of colors swirling around the room, trying to communicate with me. All of me felt different, from head to toe. The sensation around me felt like I haven’t been conscious for months, but it was just a mere six hours of torment from needles, cutting, and repairing. I lay there, taking none of the pain in at all, for the medicine and drugs washed away my pain. I truly started to realise what had taken place, and I slowly picked up my hand and gasped as I saw IV’s going into both sides of both of my hands. Not only this, but the pain slowly started to seep through the cracks as I remembered where I am. My back, my back, my back, my back, I thought as I winced in pain. Completely cut open, with only stitches holding my spine together from letting blood and organs from leaking out, I understood at this single moment how hard the next 3 months of recovery would be. The recent warmth turned into a fiery heat all around my body and at this time, the thought of even sitting up felt impossible to me. An overwhelming sadness and a sense of unfairness crashed on me as I thought about how I’m the child with all the problems physically, and why do I need to be the one going through this never ending pain, which only lasted for the past 15 seconds. Although the pain was immense, at least all of the stress and build up for this procedure seemed to go away from me and my family, but dreadful recovery had just begun.


Okay so to the story itself, I think the picture that you paint here seems pretty realistic. The realizations coming one by one, the emotions and all of that seem to be fairly spot on at this point and I think you've done a pretty good job really capturing all of those emotions and bringing them to life here on the story. When it comes to how these are ordered and how you've transitioned back and forth with them is where the story starts to lose its flow somewhat.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall the story that's being said here is really good, it just needs to be ironed out somewhat in some places. Anyway that's about all I've gotta say.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri Dec 18, 2020 11:55 pm
RoofChimp says...



I believe there are a bit too many transitions for a vignette since they are supposed to be one moment in time. Additionally, I think there is an inconsistent amount of adjectives throughout this piece. Other than that, the emotions shown through the story are very nice and descriptive.




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Fri Dec 18, 2020 11:16 pm
TheChungus2 says...



I believe this was written pretty well. I do believe sometimes, the word choice could be a bit more advanced, but overall, the story goes through a lot of emotions.





When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
— Walter Lippmann