Oraelis Chapter 1

by calenwric

Published February 1, 2014

12+ Violence

In Oraelis

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Chapter 1: The Only One Left

Mutely, I watched as my neighbor's hut blazed golden. The normally pastel rainbow leaves of the miuwood trees behind the hut reflected the orange light, shivering behind the veil of heat. It was as if something evil had taken root in the trees' glow.

Something evil was happening, all right. The scream lodged in my throat, and instead I screamed in my mind. Braedon, Aola, old Nilahny, and tiny baby Circe sat bound in a group, trapped inside their own home. The burning roof groaned and popped, losing its strength, before the inevitable happened.

The roof caved in, and the flames shot up into the coral sky with a triumphant roar.

"No!" A strangled cry ripped from my throat as I lunged forward, my hand outstretched. My friend Aeliz grabbed my wrist before I could do anything rash. She tugged me back towards the safety of the horrified crowd, silently shaking her head at me, her cheeks stained with tears.

"They're dead! They're dead!" I wailed, voice rasping. It felt as if an invisible hand was squeezing my heart. Aeliz held my wrist tighter.

While a warrior uncaringly tossed another flaming stick at the crumbling hut, the rest circled around us on veranxes, huge feline creatures with protruding noses and stubby tails.

The leader of the small Violekan group terrorizing our village barked an order to the warrior, who left the hut to burn to ashes and mounted his veranx. The woman who issued the command rode astray from the group circling around us like starving beasts and halted in front of us.

Her braided head held high and armored shoulders proudly rolled back, the leader nastily addressed us, "You inferior Kelaians, this is what happens when you try to keep the birth of a breech baby a secret. We will always know. Our spies are everywhere, so don't think you can hide those freaks of nature from us." Her cobalt blue eyes met mine for a moment, and I forgot to breathe.

I only remembered to catch my breath when her eyes averted from my face and suspiciously scanned the other brown faces in the crowd. There was a horrible stench of fear in the air.

"One of you is hiding something. I can feel it," the woman told us in a grave voice. "In fact," she continued ominously and unsheathed her scythe, which glinted silver in the sun, "I know there's a breech person standing right before me."

I closed my eyes and braced myself for when she would swipe, and my head would topple to the ground. Aeliz's thumb ran in circular motions against my skin. I guessed she felt my muscles tense and wanted to soothe me. Cracking open an eye, I found the leader staring questionably at me.

It was a strain to morph my face into what I hoped was an impassive expression.

A smile snaked across her pouty lips. "Just kidding." She kicked her heels against the veranx's sides, and the large creature began to creep forward. "But, we'll be back." The warriors under her command trailed after her, and the further they rode, their animals gained speed.

No one moved a muscle until the Violekans were completely out of sight. When we all thought we were out of harm's way, we exhaled sighs of relief, especially me.

Everyone began to forlornly travel to their huts, and I found myself gripping Aeliz's arm as we prepared to move, when an angry man's voice sharply pierced the air. "Curse you, spies!" The elderly man's gnarled fist punched the air. Heads turned to look at him, mouths agape. "Curse you, Violek! The goddess Kelai will win this war, and all Violek worshippers will perish!"

I grimaced and strode away quickly with my friend, my eyes focused on the tufts of white grass poking out from the inky dirt and rocks.

The moment I reached the white, wooden hut and shut the elaborate curtain behind me, I released my death grip on the taller girl. My back slid down the wall until I reached the floor, and I buried my face in my hands. "This is awful," I moaned.

"You mean Riko's fate for raging against the spies and Violek, or you looking like you were going to faint when that leader used scare tactics to try to find more breech people?" Aeliz pressed her lips together in a tight line. "Both are pretty awful."

I let out a soft, short laugh. "Don't take it lightly."

"I'm not, Caela," the raven-haired girl protested.

While Aeliz pulled back a stool, the bottom legs audibly scraping across the floor, to sit and prop her elbows on the table, I shook my head in disbelief at the life I now lived. "Aeliz, is Riko going to suffer the consequences for speaking out against our enemies?"

The girl bit her bottom lip and nodded. "We're going to miss him when he disappears."

"It's not fair, the lives we live now." My chin wobbled, but I was tired of crying all the time. "Just because we worship Kelai, the Violekans make our lives nightmares. Kaelann is not a safe island anymore. And if you are born a certain way, you are hated the most and will die." The frustration in my tone caused my voice to tremble.

Aeliz's voice dropped to a cautious whisper, and she leaned forward toward me as if she was afraid others would hear, although we were the only ones in the hut. "Even though you're breech, you haven't been found out yet. Don't you think that means something?"

I snorted bitterly. "Luck. It was also luck when we were out gathering in the woods, unaware that they had impaled both our parents for our fathers being breech."

"I guess you're right," my friend softly said, eyes downcast. "We're lucky that we're living together and can tell each other anything." Her eyes looked back at me. "But out in public, it's taboo to openly show we're loyal to our goddess or talk about the breech. There's no one we can trust. Who knows if they are spies?"

I stood and clenched my fists, and my face contorted in agony. "All we do is stand by and watch while our lives fall to pieces. We don't do anything!" My hands flailed in the air. "If we all worked together and made weapons to fight off the Violekans, we could send the message that we aren't inferior. Just because we're minorities doesn't mean we're inferior."

"But haven't you read the scripture?" she began weakly. "Violek defeated Kelai in The Great Battle, and her remains were exiled to the deepest pits of Dead Region. We're technically inferior."

I shook my head in fervent disagreement. "If we believe in our hearts that we're strong, we become strong."

Aeliz looked at me in awe, then wiped away a tear that was beginning to form. "You breech people are so honest and brave."

"We're too honest." I grimaced. "We have the inability to lie because we're blessed, or cursed, by Kelai, and that makes it easy for enemies to find us. We’re so easy to find that I’m the only one left on this island. As for brave, I don't think of myself as brave. I cry too much."

"You're braver than me." It seemed painful for my best friend to smile.

Somehow, her words caused a sob to escape from my throat. Me? Brave? I wasn't brave enough to die as Circe and his family had in the fire. To think of little Circe, who only lived a week before the Violekans murdered him, made my heart ache more. I clamped a hand over my mouth and squeezed my eyes tight.

I choked out, "Nilahny was like a grandmother to us. She was an amazing cook. I remember the delicious feazen stew she taught me to make, her own recipe."

Aeliz let out a small sigh as she left the stool and sat against the wall next to me. Her creamy brown arms enveloped me in a comforting hug. "Nilahny's soul is resting peacefully now. Soon, we'll gather the family's ashes in jars and send them to Dead Region to unite with their ancestors. I'll be sure to never lose the layn wool cape she sewed."

"Keep it," I agreed, leaning against her. "Never lose it."

"I promise." A small crack of a smile shone in her vivid blue eyes, which made me feel slightly better.

I rose to my feet and headed for the curtained doorway.

"Where are you going?"

I turned to glance at Aeliz and wiped the moistness from my eyes. "I'm going to hunt for feazens. It will honor the deaths of Nilahny and her family. You can join me if you want."

My friend was aghast. She stuttered, "B-but isn't it dangerous in the woods now that the Violekans from Suru have camped there? Why can't you fish like the rest of us? Besides," she indicated my height with her hand, "you're tiny. Feazens have powerful grips, and—"

"My size doesn't matter because I'm fast," I stated, a little annoyed at her overprotectiveness. "Do you want to help me, or not?"

"I'll help," she immediately and worriedly answered. Since she failed to persuade me not to go, she was tagging along.

Peeking through the curtain, my eyes carefully scanned the neighborhood path for any people roaming around. Aeliz's black bun tickled my chin as she stooped below to get a good view. I pursed my lips and affirmed, "I don't see anyone. Let's go."

I stepped outside, my friend trailing behind, tiptoeing. Her obviousness aggravated me. I slowed my pace so that we were side-by-side, and I hissed while staring straight ahead, "Walk normally."

"Sorry," she whispered.

Despite no sign of people on the path, I was wary enough to think about spies peering unseen through the hut windows and from behind snow-colored trees. I knew hunting in the woods was prohibited, as the leader specifically ordered the Kaelann inhabitants not to hunt. Gathering nuts, berries, roots, and herbs was acceptable, but the meat-lovers from the Suru island claimed the animals in the woods as their food.

I groaned, realizing I had forgotten the basket I used to gather to conceal my true intentions. Even though I was not able to lie vocally, I could deceive through other means. Turning to Aeliz to tell her to grab the twig basket, I realized she had disappeared.

A spark of fear ran through my veins. "Aeliz?"

"I'm here!" she called, exiting the hut with the basket and running to catch up. "I can't believe we forgot this."

I forced a smile on my face, wanting to appear natural in public. "You read my mind."

We passed the neighborhood zone and swerved off the path to the marketplace on the left, where there was a desirable shortcut into the forest. It was where my secret place was.

As we glided through the naturally arched entrance, which consisted of two trees curving toward each other, I began to count the trees on my right nearby that flew past my vision. One. Two. Three.

The ninth tree passed, and we reached the tenth. To Aeliz's bewilderment, I approached the seemingly ordinary tree.

"What's so special about that tree?" Aeliz wondered.

"Look" was all I said as I circled around to the back of it. The girl followed me and mouthed an "oh" when she saw a gaping hollow opening in the trunk. A group of sticks with sharpened points stood propped against the inner walls of the miuwood tree trunk. "That's my hiding spot for hunting weapons," I explained, gesturing. "I always make more if the sticks break. Otherwise, I clean them for my future prey."

My friend shivered in disgust. "It's a good thing you're boyish and like to hunt. I'd rather stick to gathering, thank you."

I held a finger to my lips. “You promise not to tell anyone about the spears I made? If the Violekans find out about them, they will be sure to confiscate them as they had the village’s weapons. Since they wouldn’t trust me not to make more, they’d probably dismember my hands. So, promise in the name of Kelai?” I kissed the pad of my forefinger and held it out toward her.

“I promise in the name of Kelai.” She brought her finger toward her lips, then swiftly moved it to touch my outstretched one.

“Watch this.” I grabbed a spear and held the shaft over my shoulder to position it ready to throw at any darting creature courageous enough to show its form. I bent my knees and, with as much stealth as I could muster, ambled forth.

We could hear the occasional squawking in the distance. As Aeliz and I delved deeper into the woods, the amount of trees thickened, the earthy aroma strengthened, and the squawks and chatters grew more irritating. Mating calls.

The branches rustled behind us. We whipped our heads but only saw the gentle sway of shimmering pastel leaves.

“Was that a feazen?” Aeliz asked.

My finger shot to my lips in warning, and I solemnly nodded my head in reply. I tensely waited for more rustling movement, but silence greeted me. Beckoning my hand for the taller girl to follow me, we meandered deeper and deeper, not daring to speak.

“Squawk, squawk, squawk!” I jumped at the piercing, urgent clamor. A furry gray creature scrambled up the tree trunk from the bushes, turned its head to chatter its bill at me, and leaped onto the first branch in sight.

“Feazen!” I exclaimed, heart pounding. Hastily, I moved my arm back and launched the spear shaft forward. The animal sensed the whizzing weapon with alarm and bounded higher into the tree with a screech. My spear broke some branches as it soared out of sight.


“Curses,” I muttered.

As I went to retrieve the spear, which I found stuck at the base of a tree nearby, I spotted Aeliz waving at me in my peripheral vision.

“I’m keeping my eye on the feazen,” she alerted me, voice barely audible.

With a nod of my head, I yanked the weapon from between the roots with a grunt and hurried back to where I could see a furry figure flying through the air into another tree.

“It’s too high to target at the moment,” I decided begrudgingly. “Let’s just follow it for now.”

To my pleasure, as we pursued the feazen, it once more began to reach lower heights. My legs complained from sprinting for a long period of time. The animal slowed down, allowing me to slow down, as well. I heard the crunching footsteps of Aeliz catching up with the basket. “Now…” My grip tightened on the wooden shaft.

Behind me rung a sharp gasp. “Caela, stop!” Someone grabbed the end of my shaft, pulling me unceremoniously backwards to the ground. I landed hard on my shoulder, and my spear fell beside me with a resounding crack. We happened to be on a small hill, so Aeliz, my spear, and I rolled to the bottom.

I was the first to stand with an unpleasant facial expression while Aeliz groaned and slowly got to her hands and knees. Staring at the front of my dirtied red tunic, I was about to snark a comment to the culprit when I found her pointing at something behind me with eyes as large as the moon.

"What is it?" I spoke in concern, furrowing my eyebrows. I whipped my head around and, like Aeliz, my eyes grew wide.

Proud and erect before me in a large clearing stood a silver flag with a navy outline of a clawed, winged figure inside a circle. My eyes then focused on the navy tents behind it positioned in a crescent moon shape. A campfire smoldered in the center while a skinned belyan's meat roasted on a stick above, two men in armor huddled around it, making quiet conversation. The meat appeared to be well-cooked for noon meal time, as it was barely clinging onto the bones. I was impressed that the Violekans could catch such quiet, tricky creatures.

The feazen we had pursued chattered above us before springing into the camp and skirting around a tent. After giving some thought to what I should do, I lurched after it, but Aeliz frantically grabbed the hem of my tunic. "Don't go in there," she said in a frenzied hush. "Are you crazy?"

"I'm not crazy," I whispered indignantly. "I'm just not patient enough to search for a feazen all over again. Besides, it's more honorable to risk my life to honor another than to protect my life. I'm sure Kelai would agree."

I left my friend with her mouth hanging open as I scurried up the hill and hid behind the nearest tent, observing for any sign of gray fur. Meanwhile, I kept a watchful eye on the unaware warriors for movement, close enough to make out what they uttered.

One man's low voice was filled with curiosity as he pondered, "What was that?"

"Don't ask me," spoke the other warrior.

I didn't think much of what they were saying, surveying for the feazen behind the tents. I raced on the tip of my toes between each tent, first warily peering from behind to see when the Violekans were not looking in my general direction. When I realized they began to head for the forest where I had left, it hit me.

Aeliz was hiding behind that hill! They must have heard the dull crack as my spear collided with the ebony rocks, possibly even our voices. A small whimper escaped my throat as icy-cold fear chilled my spine. My best friend was in trouble.

What was I to do? I had to think fast.

In my best imitation of a feazen, I cried, "Squawk, squawk, squawk!"

The men paused and looked back. I ducked my head and released another squawk, praying they would stray away from the hill.

To my dismay, the tent I hid behind shook as someone moved inside it. What seemed to be the voice of a young man emitted, "Can you guys go find that feazen and shut it up? I'm trying to eat in peace."

"But, we heard something in the woods," one of the older warriors called back.

"I don't care. Want me to help you kill the feazen that's near my tent?"

My blood had turned cold a moment before, but now it was sheer ice. It was hard to breathe, and each inhale was ragged as if I was suffocating. I mentally berated myself for having followed the animal into enemy territory. I had been foolishly determined to honor the dead, a Kelaian tradition to help pass their spirits on. Now I was having second thoughts as to whether my actions were worth it.

"Yes, yes," I heard the warriors grumble.

"I'm sorry, Nilahny," I whispered in despair. Moving a few tents down to avoid my enemies spotting me faster, I wished I had listened to Aeliz. I was sure Kelai would understand and forgive me for failing to guide Nilahny, Circe, and the parents into the afterlife.

I could barely see the head of a young man poking out through the tent.

I let out a heavy breath and thought of the souls who didn't make it into the afterlife and, instead, were neglected in the waters of Dead Region, knowing for eternity that their loved ones had forgotten them.

How selfish I was!

The young man disappeared inside his tent, and then he stepped out with something that winked silver in the sun.

Squaring my jaw, I gripped my shaft tighter. I didn't consider myself brave, but I wasn't a coward, either. My goal was to find the feazen and run; the Violekans were the obstacles.

A noise caught my attention. I turned to find the gray creature one tent away slightly snorting as it sniffed the ground and wandered to the tent's side. "There you are," I mouthed darkly. On impulse, I drove the spear through its heart. It let out a sharp cry of pain and was silent.

Two tents nearest me rustled. "What am I hearing?" A female voice asked from one of them.

With the feazen limp on the spear, my legs threatened to outrace the rest of me around the back of the tents. The woods reached me, beckoning me into its protective shade.

"Hey!" The young man's voice was jarring. The air whistled, and instincts screamed for me to duck. The blurred, silver object hurled toward me yet sunk deep into the tree right above where I crouched.

I wasted no time diving under the shelter of the trees.

The rush of air of my body slicing through calmed into a stillness. I winced from the impact. All was quiet except for the cool, gentle wind on my face as I stood, brushed off the excess dirt, and gingerly rubbed the jagged skin. The unexpected peace couldn’t maintain its shape for long.

Dozens of demented high-pitched screams echoed in a roar. My body froze, and the speared feazen fell to my feet.

Glowing green eyes ferociously glowered, elongated faces wrinkled, short, pointy ears lay flat against their heads. The pale yellow beasts curled back their lips and exposed sets of sharp teeth. Some growled, while others tossed their heads back to scream.

As the closest veranx rose on its hind legs, saliva dribbling down its chin, I tripped backward with a terrified shriek. My hands rose to shield my face.

I didn’t die.

The veranx gagged and lowered its forelegs to the ground. It craned its neck to gnaw at the rope that bound it to a trunk.

I snatched the speared feazen and wove through the forest. Eventually, I found the tiny hill near the flag.

Aeliz was nowhere in sight.

Comments & reviews · 2
luciditysNovelist wrote a review Review · Feb 1, 2014

Hello there!
The first thing I'd like to do is congratulate you on your worldbuilding. From your species to your religions to the absolutely stunning development of cultures, the worldbuilding in this narrative really makes it shine. I'm also a big fan of the conflict you've set up here - the gods being out to get your protagonist is a fantastic concept that you could do a lot with. Finally, your protagonist herself is fantastic - I love the fact that she has authentic emotions and reactions to her awful situation, but is still recognizably badass.
There are a few minor nitpicks that I'll get to, most of which are synatical. However, since this is such a lovely story, I'll also point out smaller stuff that I loved. Onwards!
"It was as if the trees had rooted themselves in something evil in their glow." This sentence doesn't really make a lot of sense as-is. I'd recommend changing it to something more along the lines of "It was as if something evil had taken root in the glow of the trees," if that's more along the lines of what you were aiming for.
"The strangled cry ripped from my throat as I surged forward, hand outstretched in front of me. " This sentence would flow a bit better if you phrased it as "A strangled cry ripped from my throat as I lunged forward, my hand outstretched." That way, the verbs seem stronger and the action is more raw, in keeping with the traumatic happenings.
"...silently shaking her head at me with tear-stained cheeks." This section would read better if you changed it to "silently shaking her head at me, her cheeks stained with tears," or something along those lines. As it is, the last bit of description feels a bit forced, and the emotional impact is somewhat lessened.
"The woman, who issued the command..." the comma here is rather unnecessary and breaks up the sentence where it doesn't need to be broken up.
"...the leader nastily addressed us:" the colon here should really be replaced with a comma, for the sake of proper punctuation.
"Did she know my secret?" This sentence, while dramatic, really should be cut for the sake of not laying the conflict out quite too early. A bit of mystery is to be encouraged, even if it's only for a while.
"...other many brown faces in the crowd." This sentence will work much better if you remove "many" from it.
"No one twitched a muscle until the Violekans were completely out of sight." "Twitched" should be replaced with "moved," for the sake of clarity.
"And, spies, I mean you!" This bit of dialogue feels, for lack of a better word, silly. It doesn't really fit with the more dramatic tone of the preceding speech.
"...eyes quite interested in..." This sentence would read more cleanly if you changed it to "...my eyes focused on..."
"To think of the adorable little Circe..." You'd be better off removing "adorable" from this sentence. It feels rather forced, and "little" gets the impression you're after just as well, if not better.
"Soon, we'll gather the family's ashes in jars and send them to Dead Region to unite with their ancestors." While this is a lovely bit of worldbuilding on a topic of which I'm particularly fond, "Dead Region" doesn't sound quite reverent enough. There are hundreds of names for the afterlife in all sorts of cultures and mythos; I'd suggest drawing on those for inspiration with the afterlife.
Also, just out of idle curiosity, is the concept of gathering ashes and sending them to the afterlife specific to the worship of one of the conflicting deities, a local tradition, or something else?
"Even though I was not able to lie vocally, I could deceive through other means." This is a nice bit of character building, and I freely admit to being a fan of nonvocal deception. Good job!
"It's a good thing you're a tomboy and like to hunt." Perhaps it's just me, but "tomboy" feels really out of place in the world the story is set it.
"It was an symbolic oath signifying our secrets from our mouths only staying between us." While this is, again, a lovely bit of worldbuilding, this particular segment could have been left unsaid. I understand the need to flex your metaphorical descriptive muscles - really, I do. However, this feels a bit too much like an infodump, which is something you really want to avoid.
"I yanked the weapon from in-between the roots..." The "in" prefix is unnecessary and could easily be deleted.
"...with a sounding crack." I think the word you're looking for is "resounding."
'"Should we go check it out?"' As practical as this phrase is, it's become a kind of dead-horse cliche for Bad Guy Soldiers, so I'd recommend changing it on principle.
"I let out a heavy breath and thought of the souls who didn't make it into the afterlife and, instead, were neglected in the waters of Dead Region, knowing for eternity that their loved ones had forgotten them." This is another outstanding bit of worldbuilding, and the protagonist's emotional reaction is well done as well.
"I snatched the speared feazen and weaved through the forest. Eventually, I found the tiny hill near the flag." The correct verb form would be "wove."
Beyond that, I have very little to offer in terms of critique. Your characters and their relationships are lovely, and I know I've said it a dozen times, but your worldbuilding is a thing of beauty. The conflict is shaping up to be something really lovely, and I can't wait to see where the story goes!

Thank you so much for your input! You were a huge help to me! I fixed the errors now. :)

You're very welcome, and I'm glad that I was able to help you! ^_^

User avatar
OliveDreams
Review
OliveDreams wrote a review Review · Feb 1, 2014

Hi calenwric! Here to review your chapter! I will review as I read so that it will make a lot more sense to be me and you, hopefully :)

Here goes.

Love that you’ve made up and entire new species here. What better way to start a novel than with something completely new and exciting? Good job.

I feel like you could have injected a more desperate feeling of despair here. For example, when the armoured woman wants the breech person to come forward. maybe your main character would, for a split second, consider ending it all there and then? She’s just lost her entire family. Wouldn’t you even consider taking the easy way out for at least a moment? It’s a good way to immediately connect the character to the readers.

This line - “My back slid down the wall until my butt reached the floor, and I buried my face in my hands.” - The word ‘butt’ just doesn’t fit. It makes your writing a little too conversational. You can just put ‘until I reached the floor’ and that would be completely fine.

I really like your speech/dialogue. It feels really natural and I like the relationship you’ve set up between the two women. Maybe you could think about slowing down the facts a bit? I’m a bit lost with what’s going on. Remember that even though you know your plot inside and out, we need to be spoon fed some of the more complicated sections. Don’t info dump on us!

Great way to end the chapter! It’s set up a tense atmosphere and I love a first chapter which makes me want to read more.

Good luck! keep writing and let me know if you post any more chapters!

Olive <3

Thank you for your review! I fixed what you pointed out to me, and I'm much happier with how it turned out. As for the family that died in the fire, it wasn't Caela's family that burned to death but friends. Caela and Aeliz's families were impaled, as mentioned later. Do you think I should make that part more clear?

Ohhhh! Yeah I see the 'neighbours' reference now but, yes a little clearer would be good! Glad I could help! :)



If you steal property, you must report its fair market value...
— John Oliver