Published July 21, 2010
Vast beauty like moonlights reflected on sea,
Ripples of lights and rains droplets,
A strange swell a feeling discourages me,
Feeling of hope rising on this wave full of ambuigity.
In darkness, this light, a lighthouse stands alone in the sea,
Eroded rubble lands on the shore,
Like a message in the bottle, some loud plee,
Calling SOS, a calling of rescue, calling me.
Frozen in time, frozen like ice,
Thawed in the heat, powered with no deceit,
Powered by some far away island,
Filled with mazes, puzzles and mystery.
With this mystery a great understanding of me,
As you shake and you pull at this coconut tree,
such a strong exterior, solid and calm,
but crashes, cracks and spills out, crying.
And to mop up the tears that mix with your fears,
And with those fears that bring great strength,
To swim single handed through the crashing waves,
The deep seas, the battering gales through to this breeze.
This calm, in your paradise, the woods that surround
Little cottage, with the moat of a stream,
Welcoming the one that you’re longing to see,
To reciprocate the help given to me.
I shall give it all back, and make it up to you.
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Wow, this is good! I liked it, and the first line grabbed me, and I read it all the way through. I didn't see any mistakes that weren't mentioned, but I might have missed something. You're good, keep writing!
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~xX~Forsakinshadow~Xx~
I liked this poem a lot. Although I really didn't understand what you were saying. It seemed kind of frazzled. I dont know how but that's how it came across when I first read it. I feel inspired right now so I'm going to see what your poem inspired me to write. I hope you read it. Keep writing.
I too would suggest that you consider omitting the rhyme scheme. I think that it would improve the piece altogether.. However, if you feel that it is necessary, I would at least consider making it consistent. The uneven rhymes were distracting to me, interrupting the flow every so often... Overall, though, great piece. Beautiful imagery.
Coral
Hello there! Your poem was interesting. The rhyming and flow kind of through me off a tad. It felt as though it kept changing, and it confused me a tad. I am a bit at a cross roads. Poetry doesn't really have rules, but there are a few things you should try to follow. After reading both the comments above, I agree with both of them, which is a tad confusing I know. Other than that, I thought this was pretty good, not great, but good. =) keep on writing!
I disagree, I feel that the unique rhyming style flowed wonderfully throughout the poem. This flow gave the poem a certain melody that's hard to attain without effort. It expresses the classic scenario very well.
Remember, poetry has no rules.
Yola Caerauboy, and welcome to the magical land of the Young Writers' Society!
Once I read this first stanza, I knew that the whole poem would be better without rhyme. You are trying so hard, Caerauboy, but the only result of your rhyming words is confusion! Huh? Was that first line a statement in and of itself, or merely an independent clause? I haven't a clue, quite frankly.
"Plee" should be "plea." Wait, how is a message in a bottle a "loud plea"? Isn't it a rather quiet plea? I mean, when I think loud plea, I think fire siren. When I think quiet plea, I think some small cracked bottle containing an almost indecipherable crinkled note washing up on the shore. See the difference?
Also, your repetition doesn't really work in the last line of this stanza. Repetition is an excellent quality in some poems, but I feel as though, if you aren't repeating exactly the same thing, only the same thing should be changed. I mean, I would go for "Calling SOS, calling rescue, calling me." See what I mean?
I like that, that whole metaphor of frozen in time, then thawed by the heat. However, I might change "heat" to something even more metaphorical, like "the moment." Also, I might change "in" to "by" in the second line here.
"You're" should be "your" here. You see, "you're" is a contraction, meaning "you are." "...In you are paradise..." makes no sense.
I didn't understand this poem too much, but I can tell it is very good. I like the plethora of description; good job!