Published August 10, 2009
Down these roads we walk, between our silence and our talk,
We watched the sun go down over these shops, as it painted red the roofs,
In the safety of our bus shelter, guarded by the memories who've been,
Their names forever remembered, graphitied on the window screen.
We were alright.
I felt fine.
You looked divine.
Girl I love you. x2
And through these dark lanes and gulleys, we roamed without fear,
And our faded shoes scuffed along the cracked pavement, kicking cans that were near,
Our freedom was amazing, our presence there for all to feel.
And from the drunken cries, the rapping few, and shouting of the gangs we knew
We were alright.
I felt fine.
You looked divine.
Girl I love you. x2
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139,647 Literary Works • 672,642 Reviews
This song is beautiful! I love everything except the chorus. I don't feel like it fits with the descriptive verses.
I like the simplicity of the chorus, but I don't feel like it fits. The rhyming brings down the serene feeling in the song, which I love. Great song
Caerauboy, I love the first stanza, and the second stanza is pretty fantastic too, but I'm disappointed in a couple minor things in the chorus: First of all, I'm bothered by the "fine/You looked divine" rhyme. I can't give a detailed explanation for that feeling, but I almost feel as if the other descriptions in the song are so abstract and complex that this simple, short, perfect rhyme appears silly in comparison. I also dislike the adjective "divine" in this song. I think you can think of something more descriptive and evocative. Divine is too distant and general a word to spark a connection with the audience.
Overall, I love your lyrics. This song sounds folk (awesome!). Just offering a few suggestions. Keep it up. Best of luck!