Published November 23, 2010
This is a school assignment for my freshman creative writing class. It is only a scene from a screenplay. Certainly not the whole thing. Tell me what you think and if you understand the plot and subplots of the story. Thanks a lot.
Kelsey
Kirk, we need you in the commanders’ office immediately. You have a phone call.
Kirk
Who is it?
Lieutenant
Your wife sir. Please come quickly.
Kirk walks to the office in silence with the lieutenant.
Commander
Kirk, there you are. You have a telephone call from your wife.
Kirk
Is something wrong sir?
Commander
Maybe you should find out for yourself. I’ll have the base transfer you to her.
Kirk
Thank you, sir.
Kirk waits impatiently to be transferred. He fidgets in his chair uncomfortably. Suddenly he hears Lily’s voice.
Lily
Oh Kirk, it has all gone terribly wrong. Everything has gone wrong and I just can’t stand it. You need to come home now, Kirk.
Kirk
Calm down Lily. What happened? What’s wrong?
Lily
The baby, Kirk. It’s the baby.
Kirk
What’s wrong with her, Lily? Tell me what the hell happened!
Lily
She didn’t make it, Kirk. She didn’t make it…
Kirk
What? No. You’re lying to me. How could she be dead? The doctor told us your pregnancy was going perfect. You’re lying. Stop. Don’t kid about that.
Lily
I wouldn’t kid about this Kirk. She was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. She didn’t survive it.
Kirk
Damn it Lily! You were supposed to take care of her! How could you let my little girl be born dead?
Lily
It wasn’t my fault Kirk! Don’t yell at me. I’m just as upset as you are.
Kirk
So what? Did you get a new husband too? Maybe move out and get a place of your own?
Lily
No. Why would I ever do that? I love you, Kirk.
Kirk
Yeah, right but you killed the baby. Why couldn’t you just keep her alive so could see her, love her, teach her to ride a bike?
Lily
It wasn’t anything I did that made her die, sweetie. I didn’t kill her.
Kirk
Bye, Lily.
Lily
Kirk! Wait!
Phone on the other end hangs up. Kirk grunts and walks away. While pacing back to his bunk, he sees Owen.
Owen
Everything okay man?
Kirk
No.
Owen
What’s up? Wanna talk about it?
Kirk
Not really. But if you must know, it’s my wife’s baby. She’s dead.
Owen
Damn Kirk. I’m so sorry. Anything I can do to help?
Kirk
No. My wife killed her. Let the umbilical cord get wrapped around her neck.
Owen
That’s not her fault. It happens a lot.
Kirk
So you’re gonna defend her now?
Owen
Man, I know your upset but you don’t have to take it out on her. I’ve seen you two together. She loves you a lot Kirk. You can tell.
Kirk
Then why would she let this happen? Why didn’t she try and save her?
Owen
I bet she did. It wasn’t in her control really. But I bet she was in that room screamin at the doctors for them to save her.
Kirk
I was upset. I didn’t wanna listen to how my wife’s baby got killed.
Owen
I know man, but you gotta let your lady know you love her. You may not have a baby but you still have a wife.
Kirk
I know. I just don’t wanna talk about it right now.
Owen
How do you think she feels right now? She didn’t do anything wrong. She doesn’t have her husband to cry on his shoulder. The least you can do is be there for her.
Kirk is silent
Owen
Besides, might be your last chance. We can always be deployed somewhere at any moment. And anything can happen.
Kirk
You don’t understand Owen.
Owen
It’s pretty plain and simple Kirk. You’re mad at your wife who had a baby that didn’t make it.
Kirk
It’s not that simple.
Owen
Then enlighten me. What makes it so complicated that I can’t understand?
Kirk
It’s not that you can’t understand. I just don’t want to tell you okay?
Owen
Fine, but I still don’t understand why you’re so mad at your wife. She didn’t do anything wrong.
Kirk
That’s what everyone thinks.
Owen
What do you mean?
Kirk
Nothing. Just stop bugging me about it.
Owen
Kirk, I’m here to help you.
Kirk
You’ve helped enough.
Owen
You’re still upset so apparently I haven’t.
Kirk
My feelings aren’t just going to go away from an inspirational conversation. My wife’s baby just died.
Owen
I know. I’m sorry.
Kirk
I don’t need your pity. Now can you leave me alone?
Owen
Where am I supposed to go? Nothing to do out of the bunk.
Kirk
Go play football with the guys or something.
Owen
Naw man I’m awful at football. No hand-eye coordination.
Kirk
Fine then just leave me alone.
Owen
But I want to help!
Kirk
Owen!
Owen
Don’t get mad at me too. I didn’t do anything.
Kirk
Right, just like my wife did nothing either.
Owen
Well, she didn’t.
Kirk
Do you know the whole story?
Owen
Apparently not.
Kirk
Then you have no right to judge.
Owen
I’m not judging.
Kirk
You’re making assumptions. Now go away.
Owen
Fine. I’m going to get some water. I’ll be back in a few.
Kirk
No need to come back.
Owen
I’ll be right back.
Kirk
Fine.
Kirk sits on his bed to think while Owen goes to get water.
KIRK’S house, opens the door for his friend Sean
Kirk (V.O.)
Why do you need to talk to my wife?
Sean (V.O.)
I just do. Is that a crime?
Kirk (V.O.)
Yes, if you can’t tell me the reason.
Sean (V.O.)
Why so defensive?
Kirk (V.O.)
She’s my wife. I want to protect her.
Sean (V.O.)
I’m not going to kill her, calm down.
Kirk (V.O.)
What the hell do you need to talk to her for? You come to talk to her every freaking day.
Sean (V.O.)
She wanted to get together for coffee.
Kirk (V.O.)
Yeah... right.
Sean (V.O.)
I’m serious.
Kirk (V.O.)
Fine, but don’t try anything on her.
Sean (V.O.)
Would I ever do that?
Kirk (V.O.)
I don’t know, Sean. I don’t know.
Voices fade out and Owen appears back in the bunk.
Owen
I’m back.
Kirk
Great.
Owen
Listen, you really should go apologize to your wife.
Kirk
Why?
Owen
Because she needs you right now.
Kirk
She has people back home to help her get through it. I need time to get through it myself.
Owen
That’s not fair to her, Kirk.
Kirk
Owen! Shut up, you don’t know anything about the situation!
Owen
Don’t get so defensive.
Kirk
I will do what I want to, Owen. Everyone else does.
Owen
Don’t get yourself into trouble.
Kirk
I’m already in trouble.
Owen
Well, don’t do anything else to get yourself in more trouble.
Kirk
I’m not sure it’s possible to be in more trouble than I already am.
Owen
I’m sure it’s possible.
Kirk
You don’t know what you’re talking about.
Owen
Of course I do.
Kirk
You have not the slightest idea what is going through my head right now.
Owen
Can I take a guess?
Kirk
No, you may not take a guess. I don’t want to waste my time while you guess about what is going through my head when I know that you have no idea.
Owen
Well, then can you tell me what is going through your head.
Kirk
No.
Owen
Why not?
Kirk
Too much explaining… too little time.
Owen
But we have all the time in the world right now.
Kirk
Okay fine, too much explaining… no will power to explain it.
Owen
I’m just trying to help.
Kirk
You don’t need to help me. I’m a grown man.
Owen
I don’t want you getting into any trouble.
Kirk
I can do what I want to do and accept the consequences that will follow.
Owen
Mhm, that is true. But most likely you won’t enjoy them.
Kirk
Who are you to tell me what to do? Don’t lecture me on my thought process.
Owen
I just don’t want you in any big trouble.
Kirk
What kind of trouble?
Owen: Any kind of trouble. Don’t go involving other people in this.
Kirk
Like who?
Owen
I don’t know, anyone.
Kirk
What are you trying to get at?
Owen
Nothing. I just know you’re upset and when people are upset they do things that they normally wouldn’t do.
Kirk is silent.
Owen
Just trying to protect you.
Kirk
I don’t need protection. Don’t you think as a soldier I know how to protect myself?
Owen
But as a soldier you also need to protect other people.
Kirk
You’re speaking nonsense.
Owen
Think about it. Maybe you’ll understand.
Kirk
So you think I’m going to hurt someone emotionally.
Owen
I’m not saying you will but there may be a possibility and there is a possibility of you hurting someone physically too.
Kirk
Huh.
Owen
So you’re not denying it.
Kirk
I’m not agreeing with it either.
Owen
Either way you’re thinking about it.
Kirk
I am not thinking about it.
Owen
I really think you are.
Kirk
Well you’re wrong.
Owen is silent for a moment. The lieutenant appears in the doorway to the bunk.
Lieutenant
Kirk, the commander wants to see you again. It’s time for you to go.
Scene fades out as Owen begins to get up to leave.
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Thinking about writing more to this but have not started because I have a lot on my plate right now in terms of writing. I have written other screenplays if your interested but I don't have enough points to post anything else unfortunately. If you are interested in reading my other (short) screenplay let me know and I can possibly email you with it or work on getting enough points on posting it here. Or check me out on figment.com go to search people and type in Cade Winters and you should find me! I could post my screenplay there also if your interested.
IS THERE GOING TO BE A PART TWO!?
PLEASE TELL ME THERE'S GOING TO BE A PART TWO.
I'M VERY VERY VERY INTERESTED IN THIS SCREENPLAY.
Gotta admit not my type of story, but it was really interesting.
Hello, I am Nephthys and I will be reviewing your screenplay today.
Firstly, a note about screenplay formatting; You shouldn't have to include any kind of explanation at the start of the screenplay. This whole paragraph is unnecessary, because you should be explaining it throughout the script.
In a screenplay, you should always start a scene with a scene heading. (Demonstrated below) When you introduce a new character in each scene you should capitalize their name, to let a reader know that they will be required for the filming of that scene. The first time in the script that you introduce a character, you should give us some a couple of facts about them to engage the reader.
I can see that you're quite familiar with the dialogue in screenwriting, but you're missing the other important element; the action. Because film is a visual media, the action may be considered even more important than the dialogue. You should tell us what kind of a world your characters live in, and how they interact with each other and their environment.
Here is an example of a way in which you could convert this script into proper screenplay format:
ETC...
This is good description. More of this!
PACING:
The plot was understandable, which is always a good thing. However, I think that you took way too long to make your point. In screenwriting it is important to be as concise as possible, so I would suggest trying to cut the script down by half. Decide which lines tell us something important about the plot or characters, and cut the rest.
OVERALL:
This is an interesting idea, and Kirk is a well-defined character. However, I find it hard to believe that someone who is obviously psycho would be hired by the military. We need to see more of his back story near the beginning; before you tell us that Kirk is in danger of hurting someone, lets see the steps that led him to it.
Let me know if you need any clarifications
- Nephthys
All right. I like the story, I'm just going to cover a few things. In a lot of places, you lack necessary punctuation. Here's one example:
Kirk's is what you mean to say right there. Now, I'm going to cover the basics of screenplay. At the beginning of any scene, if they leave the room to go to the basketball court, whatever, you should include a slugline. For example, at the very beginning of this scene, because you said this: We have no idea where we are. You should include something like this: INT. KIRK'S BUNK - DAY. In sluglines, you should put whether your character is inside or outside, (INT./EXT.) their location, and what time of day it is. Now, let's get onto dialog. It's formatted all wrong. You have your character's name next to a colon and then their dialog. Rather than this: It should be this: You should add your characters name in capitals, no colon, and then add an enter space, then your dialog. There's also another problem: Problem A: Actions should not be in parentheses unless they are parentheticals, which I will cover later. Problem B: you don't include actions in a character's dialog. You should add two enter spaces, then write your dialog. Now, there's a very large problem section in here that goes like this: Instead of making the character's names VO Sean or VO Kirk or VO whoever, you should add a parenthetical. A parenthetical is a certain important action or emotion or whatever that your character is expressing while they're saying that piece of dialog. So it would be this instead:Your parenthetical should be in parentheses and right of the characters name, just before the colon. Now, if you want to learn all the basics of screenplay, I suggest you look at this: http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/howtoformatascreenplay Good luck, and keep writing!