Tragedy
The loss of what could have been
Like northen lights no longer seen.
The faint tune of a mocking bird
Fading fast, hear not a word.
Only the scilence creeping in
Surrouning you from within.
Is thier purpose in fighting?
Even the stuborn get tired of biting.
Looking for someway to disappear
Whilst trying so hard to hide the fear.
A hundred ploaces I'd rather be
But at heart, longing to be free.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
hmmm. This is ok. I see a lot of potential in your writing style. I agree with bailecielo, you have to check the rhythm, and you DEFINITELY have to work on the capitalization. Capital letters are your friend, use them to enhance your piece. Remember that (contrary to what others may say) you are not required to capitalize the beginning of each line. Make your ideas flow from one line to another. Some of your lines do not really lead to the next, in cases like this, use stanza breaks.
Other lines feel a bit forced so don't force it too much. Check your spelling too, there were a lot of typos.
However, consider that like capitalization, you can use misspelled words too in order to enhance your poem. (Just a thought that I think you could capitalize on) But do note that they can't be misspelled just 'cause they are, they have to have a reason to be that wheigh. You could particularly use it in puns as to add depth to the way you write.
Keep at it!
-Tyler
Just a lot of typos and misspelled words, dear. You should be a bit more careful.
I have a problem with the rhythm. Try recounting the syllables. They don't have to be too consistent, but it needs more "flow". Also, you have to check capitalization and punctuations.
Anyway, the concept was a little cliche, but still enjoyable. Needs more refinement, but it's ok!
Hi by my rules! Nice name
I'm Kat, nice to meet you and welcome to YWS dear! If you need anything to find your way around, feel free to PM me
Now, onto to your review!
The first line... I can't say if it is a good or a bad start. It certainly is a very used one, but the second line makes it a bit more original. Also, that second line sounds awkward. As if the last verb is in the wrong tense. I realized it was to rhyme, right? But the line just doesn't make much sense like that. Try to reword it, and see if it works.
Your rhyming here is delightful!
I believe you meant 'silence' and not 'scilence', in the third line. Also, in the third line, put 'creeping in' between commas. Like this: ', creeping in,'.
In the forth line, it should be 'surrounding'.
First line, it should be 'their'. And who are they? You haven't mentioned anyone in the above lines. Maybe try to put that clearer.
'Stuborn' should be 'stubborn', and 'biting0 should be 'bitting'.
'Someway' has a space between 'some' and 'way'. Put a comma at the end of the third line.
'Ploaces' should be 'places' I suppose? And add a comma at the end of the sentence.
The last line is cute. I'm not sure it closes up the poem, but it's nice. Also, add a 'I'm' before longing.
Overall: It was nice and simple. It has much potential, and could be much better. Revise and edit, and you'll be fine!
*Kat*
thanks heaps guys, the star means here
:D just for the record i meant no connection to vampires, its just sort of how it came out at the time 
:P
xxxx
cheers
'telle_04' needs to not take things so literally.
The best writing-i think-is the writing that uses metaphors, similes, and keeps you guessing. It doesnt matter what its about. Thats where you're suppose to use some imagination and try to guess.
Nobody should know exactly what the author is talking about except the author.
Good job, I really like this
hi..
is it okay if i quote some things?
i really don't understand what kind of loss it is..
i like how you use metaphors here..
who are they?
biting.does this have something to do with vampires?**
i don't understand these two lines, though..but i think they're ironic.
okay..first to comment on your poem.
to say the truth, i think it was nice, after all..you leave the readers guessing of what is really going on.
keep it up.
**i'm generous today, so there you have a star.**
god bless.