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The Light at Dawn

by bwi


The tip of his nose bumped the chilled pane of the window as he watched sparrows flit about the sidewalk.  His eyes were still heavy from sleep, lashes brushing his cheeks as he struggled to keep them open.  The warmth inside the apartment was lulling him back to sleep and he sat up straighter, positioning himself so that the heat from the vent wasn’t blowing up his pant leg.

It was still mostly dark out, the sky an inky blue.  In the distance, he could see tinges of blushing pinks and purples as if someone had taken a paintbrush to the horizon.  Streetlamps, their glow slightly dulled by the dawn’s light, illuminated sidewalks and the graffitied walls of apartment buildings.  Occasionally, a passerby or two, some drunk and stumbling and some looking tired and drawn, would pass into the streetlights.  But none of them were Jimin and Taehyung could feel his chest deflate every time he realized this.

Where are you?

Long fingers tapped impatiently on his thigh.  His position on the wood floor was growing uncomfortable, an ache settling into his tailbone.  His eyes flicked to the digital clock on the TV: 5:00am.

Where are you Jiminnie?

His friend was usually here by now, a black silhouette against the backdrop of the rising sun.  He’d just be coming back from a night of dancing at the studio, black hair mussed and dark smudges under his eyes.  But then he would see Taehyung and he would smile, eyes turning to small crescents.  It was a smile brighter than the gleaming August sun and Taehyung would smile back, jumping up to greet him on the front step.  He’d have brought the jumbo sized candy bag from the convenience store a few blocks from Taehyung’s apartment and they would spend the whole morning eating it and watching the sun rise—

He flinched at the sound of Soonshim’s barking, his reverie fading away as he peered out the window beside the dog.

A silhouette was approaching the apartment.Someone small with tousled, dyed-blonde hair.  The sun had crept up from behind the tall buildings and was at his back, casting his profile in a golden glow.  His face was hidden by shadows but Taehyung didn’t need to see his face to know who it was.

“Jimin!” he said on an exhale of air.  Soonshim’s nails scratched at the window and from his parent’s bedroom Taehyung could hear his dad yelling to shut that dog up but he didn’t notice.  He flung the door open, watery sunshine and stuffy summer air hitting his face.

“I’ve been waiting for you since four o’clock this morning!  Do you know how much my ass hurts right now?  Huh?” he yelled, voice echoing through the empty streets.

Under the rioting reds and oranges of the rising sun, a temporary hush falling over the city, it was almost as if they were the only two people in the world.  Just him and Jimin and the morning light, drenching everything in golden honey.  God, he missed these mornings, missed them all summer while Jimin had been away in Busan.  And he knew that Jimin was homesick, he was always homesick since moving to Seoul, but he was homesick too, dammit.  Homesick for Jiminnie and the way he always seemed to smell like the ocean and fresh air.

He saw a glint of white; that bright smile, and then running footfalls until Jimin collided with Taehyung’s taller frame.  “Just wanted to see if you would wait for me.” he said, voice muffled by the fabric of Taehyung’s pajamas.

His satoori was more prominent than Taehyung had remembered but he was still decidedly Jimin.  He was still soft and small in his arms, the smells of Busan still clinging to his clothes and hair.

I missed you is what he wanted to say but instead, he tugged on Jimin’s sleeve and they climbed the firescape to watch the rest of the sunrise as if nothing had changed.


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Tue Oct 17, 2017 9:36 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, bwi! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside...

STOP! Grammar time!



It was still mostly dark out, the sky an inky blue.


This is a comma splice. I would put "as" in front of "the" and "was" after "sky."

His position on the wood floor was growing uncomfortable, an ache settling into his tailbone.


This is another comma splice. I would change "settling" to "settled" and make both ideas into separate sentences.

A silhouette was approaching the apartment.Someone small with tousled, dyed-blonde hair.


Just wanted to point the typo out.

“Just wanted to see if you would wait for me.” he said, voice muffled by the fabric of Taehyung’s pajamas.


Instead of a period, always use a comma at the end of dialogue if the tag sentence is after the dialogue.

I missed you is what he wanted to say


Add a comma after "I missed you."

I also noticed that you have a lot of white space on here. Only put one space after a period. The two spaces you always put are distracting.

Suggestions:



But none of them were Jimin and Taehyung could feel his chest deflate every time he realized this.


I would reword this sentence. I had to read it three times before I realized that the MC was Taehyung and that he was waiting for his friend Jimin.

Do you know how much my ass hurts right now?


"ass" is considered a swear on here, so rate this 16+ for swearing. So is the word "damnit."

Confusing things:



Nothing confusing.

Other comments, reactions, and fangirling:



IS THIS GAY ROMANCE?!

Overall:



Pretty good chapter. It's pretty short, and there is a lot of white space and comma issues, but overall this is very good. Keep up the good work.

Give me your soul --

Kara

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Wed Oct 11, 2017 6:36 pm
rosette wrote a review...



Wow! This is beautiful!

I don't know who these characters are, and what this fanfiction is based off of, but your writing is excellent. The opening paragraph was so soft and gentle, portraying Taehyung's sleepiness well, but the descriptions of the sun were my favorite - the blushing pinks and rioting reds and oranges. Ooh, that hit the spot. Also: I loved the reference of the August sun compared to Jimin's smile. That was lovely.

My main issue at hand (and this is entirely due to me) is I don't know these people. I don't know why their relationship is so strong, and why Jimin was in Busan, and why Taehyung cares so much. Obviously, they're friends, yes; but I don't see why they're friends. And like I said, that's not your fault, because after all, this is fanfiction. Very good fanfiction, I might add.

This story is set in summer, which is easy to see, especially when Taehyung opens the door and "watery sunshine and stuffy summer air" hit him in the face. But why, if they're sitting in this hot weather, does he have the heat on in his apartment?? And why is the window a "chilled pane"? You mention both of those in the first paragraph, but they don't match up with the remainder of this story. Unless - these people like it really hot, all the time. (Still doesn't explain the cold window, though).

You had a couple grammatical errors in here, but one major thing I noticed was you didn't put a space after your periods. All your sentences were stuffed together, and it made it difficult to read at times. So, be mindful of that next time.

Other than those small points... I believe that is all I have to say!
Once more, this was an excellent short story and I enjoyed reading it. : )

Have a fantastic day, bwi, and keep up the good work.

~rosette




bwi says...


Thank you so much for the feedback! This made my day.

Thanks for pointing out that inconsistency with the weather... I had initially planned on this being set in winter but it kind of changed while I was writing and I obviously didn't notice. Inconsistency is something that I really need to work on with my writing...

Ok, so let me just fangirl for a second. The fandom that I wrote this for is BTS, a Korean boy-band. Taehyung and Jimin are two of the members. They've known each other since high school, before they debuted as kpop idols, and you can just tell that they have a really close relationship. (they're also shipped together) Taehyung wrote a song for Jimin called 4 O'clock which is what inspired this piece. Also, Jimin is from Busan but he moved to Seoul to join BTS. In the fanfiction, (not in real life) he goes to Busan every summer to see his family. I made their age younger in the fanfiction...

Again, thank you! This was really helpful.



bwi says...


Also, I copy and pasted this from a Word doc and for some the spaces in between the sentences got erased...



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Tue Oct 10, 2017 3:02 pm
Oniyuri says...



This is great! I especially love how descriptive and detailed this is. I also love reading the main character's thoughts. Especially those "where are you's" that keeps being repeated. Keep up the good work!




bwi says...


Thank you so much! I really appreciate the feedback.




"Do not try to be pretty. You weren't meant to be pretty; you were meant to burn down the earth and graffiti the sky. Don't let anyone ever simplify you to just 'pretty'"
— Unknown