Abbey
I read in the paper something about some stupid teenager lighting part of the school in the next town over on fire, but I never would’ve guessed the crazy kid was going to come and live with me. My dad had rushed off to court early this morning, saying something about how he had to do it for Angela. I have no idea who this Angela is, but she seemed to be pretty important to dad. The next thing I know, I see my dad driving up to our house with this scruffy boy. Without even meeting him, I could tell from the look on his face he didn’t want to be here any more than I did. He dragged his feet like he didn’t care about anyone else, not even himself. It sickened me.
I decided to go for a ride to get some fresh air. As I was grooming my horse, the scruffy boy came in with Dad, “Ah, Jake, this is Abbey”. I decided to give the kid a chance and gave him a slight smile.
“Howdy,” he replied, all smug. I could tell he thought he was all that.
“I can tell you’re excited,” I joked. I noticed my dad smile on the side; probably happy Jake and I were getting a long, if that’s what you call it.
“Ecstatic…” he said as dully as possible. I gave up trying to converse with this boy and continued to groom my horse.
After my ride, when I came in for a drink, I heard my dad showing Jake the rest of the house. “And this is your room,” I heard him explain to his new lost cause upstairs. I went upstairs so I could clean myself up. As I brushed by the two of them towards my room, I heard Jake mumble something that sounded like, “I like the dirt” under his breath. I turned on my heels; we were eye to eye, well when I was on my heels we were. I glared at him, trying to tell him I wasn’t interested in what he had to say.
We were interrupted by my dad when he suggested Jake and I go ahead and clean up for dinner.
When I was presentable, I headed downstairs to see if daddy needed any help. I wasn’t surprised when I saw only my dad in the kitchen, “Hey, where’s Jake?”
“I think he’s outside,” he answered.
I went outside to find Jake sitting on the porch steps…smoking a cigar? “Hey! Where’d you get that!?”
“Uh…around,” he smoked a large gray cloud in my face.
When it cleared, the cigar looked very similar to my dad’s special stash, “did you find that in my dad’s room!? That’s stealing!“
“No, I’m family now aren’t I? What’s mine is yours baby,” now he was really starting to bug me. I whipped the cigar out of his mouth and stomped it on the ground, “Hey!” he yelled.
“What’s mine is yours. Baby,” I repeated. I walked back to the door and turned around to tell him what I originally came out to say, “oh and dinner is ready, tough guy.”
I came in and started setting the table. Our lost cause came in and plopped himself in the chair across from me. As I put the plates on the table I noticed him just staring at me. Boy, does he have nerve, “What? You’ve never seen a girl put plates down before?”
“I have, just not pretty young ladies like your self,” he snuck in a smile as if he was proud of himself. I was just a game for him. I was an easy girl for him to get in bed with, us being in the same house for the next few months and all. He was just playing with my emotions, and I hated him for it.
“Well I’ve never seen a stuck up jerk like your self sitting at my dinner table. So I guess we’re even,” I turned on my heels to grab the mashed potatoes. The stupid jerk was trying to make eye contact with me, but I wouldn’t let him.
We ate our dinner in silence until daddy started speaking of the most absurd thing, “Now Abbey, you know Jake doesn’t know his way around the farm, and he’ll be working here for quite some time. It being summer and all, I’m sure you’ll have plenty of extra time to show him around.”
This made me so mad. I could barely stand looking at this guy through dinner, but now my dad is asking me to watch over him? Could it get any worse, “But daddy, how come you can’t show him around?”
“Because dear, they need me at work and I can’t stick around to teach him everything,” my daddy tried so hard, it hurt me to see him go through so much labor just so we can still own the farm.
“Fine,” I sighed. I caught a glance of Jake’s sly smile. I was just more of a game than ever to him.
After dinner, I went up to my room so I could get some sleep, tomorrow is going to be a long day after all. I just needed to grab a thing or two from the bathroom and I’d be all set, or that’s what I thought…
On my way to the bathroom, I wasn’t paying attention really and I had hit my head right in the middle of Jake’s wet chest, “Aw! Come on! I just took a shower, I thought I cleaned myself of you for the night!” boy did he think he was funny.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello! It's me again. Sorry if some of my advice on the last chapter was repetitive with the other reviewers; Tatra snuck in and posted a critique while I was working on mine.
Seems a bit early for her to be joking and teasing him, especially if she thinks he's stupid and smug. This seems a bit too friendly.
Hmm, this is intriguing, the thought that Caleb latches onto these lost causes. Who has he "helped" previously? This would be a good transition for Abbey to reminisce about a past case, or even her own story, her relationship with her father. Any insight into her character could be slipped in here, just a small paragraph or two.
A lot of telling here. Why don't you show us, instead, what being mad makes her does? What facial expression does she use? How does she react to anger, instead of telling is what she feels?
I like the alternating perspective. Their voices are certainly unique and distinct, which is important. I'm worried, however, that you're going to fall into the trap of: "Boy meets girl. Girl hates boy. Boy is cocky and arrogant. Girl falls for boy despite her better judgement." It seems to be following that pattern, which is okay, but keep things original.
Also, proofread! You have some spelling and punctuation errors splattered throughout this, but I feel that you do know the proper grammar, just slip up occasionally. Check out: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic43660.html and http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic43660.html to help with that.
Right now, just be sure that their relationship (and Jake's relationship with Caleb) progress naturally. Don't rush things, and keep your characters' reactions genuine. Beyond that, we'll have to wait and see where this goes! Keep working on it.
Best of luck, PM me for anything!
~Evi
I like this story, and I`d like to read more. I guess Abbey is one of the good girls, and it`s real obvious that Jake is one of the"bad boys." Though I feel like I don`t really know that much about Abbey`s personality, yet I have a good understanding of Jake. I guess I`ll have to keep reading to find out more about her. My only other suggestion is to skip lines when you start a new paragraph; it would make it so much easier to read. Other than that, I look forward to reading more. Hope I helped~bluewaterlily.