hi i do have another story on here but i need to complete the first chapter so i would like a review on this story if youu can x
Past
Izabella-Willow-Rose
“Who is he?” I had thought sat in the corner of the table in the far side of the learning area he sat facing me on the table across from us he did not look eleven…striking green eyes and scruffy but neat coal black hair. All the girls were looking towards him giggling and then looking at me because I was the one his lime green eyes were looking at I didn’t know what to do it looked as if he was looking at me for reassurance he was defiantly scared and I don’t blame him if he was going to settle in with this class he had to be scared,. It was just the beginning of the year and I was just doing my usual thing hiding in the corner why everyone shouts and screams, when Jake arrived I don’t know why the shouting and screaming didn’t get a lot, louder (Jake is the the one with lime green eyes and scruffy black hair) it was a hard morning that day Jake just kept looking at me I got told of because I had hardly done any work. As break time became closer I over heard Jake asking a boy sat next to him about me and these were his words “well she hardly ever talks, she’s clever though and rumours that her foster family abuse her when there not leaving her by herself while living it out in Malibu or something…” he looked shocked and uncomfortable “wow” he whispered then he looked at me with piercing green eyes I just kept my head down and tried to write.
Later on at break I was sat reading at a table when someone sat down at the table next to me I dared to look up at hoped it wasn’t Jake but I shouldn’t of dared and shouldn’t of hoped he stood looking at me and then took a seat I looked down towards the table and murmured “hi” he said hi back at started at me…this was really awkward what was so interesting about me, them something totally cliché happened I was saved by the bell I made my way over to the corner table and sat at the back for the rest of the day trying to concentrate, it didn’t go well…
Later that day I was walking around the city buying food for myself ( the thing about my foster parents living out in Malibu was right) and as I was walking out of the shop I banged into Jake we stared at each other for a second then both said hi to each other then an awkward silence hit I looked down at the floor and then he asked me : “ your Izabella-Willow Rose aren’t you ?” I looked up to Jake and decided to act normal, “ yea it’s a bit of a mouthful isn’t it?” he laughed then looked down at me and said “ I can defiantly agree on that but it’s abit of a coincidence” I looked at him confused and asked what did he find a coincidence he answered my question with ease “ my family have moved into a mansion in the centre of the forest and it happens to be called Isabella Mansion behind it is a lake going by the name of Rose lake and the whole land is surrounded by willow trees..” I was gobsmaked then answered “that is a coincidence”
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, time for some more critiquing
I removed was and reworded the second part. Add a period at the end it is a run on sentence.
them should be then.
This sentence seemed like a pretty bad run on. Try to make sure you avoid these at all costs! I encourage you to read through it once out loud to see what I mean. Although the way I re-wrote is not near perfect it is a step up and I didn't want to add any words you didn't have only re-word it.
Another run on sentence, but dont be discouraged! Eventually you'll get better. Hopefully I'm not being to tough.
~ Capitalized He
~ Added "next to me" so that it would sound a bit better
~ Separated it into 2 sentences
Ok, I'm not going to go in-depth about the last paragraph, but I will once again suggest separating some of the longer run-on sentences into shorter separated sentences.
It really was good especially for a thirteen year old. I dont mean this in a bad way either! It's very good. I'm far from anything worth achieving writing wise, but I've gotten a lot better ever since I joined this site. Hopefully the same thing happens to you.
There is my two cents.
~Day
Yahooooooooooo! Its longer now, but you had a few errors here and there. Like:
In you you first sentence,instead of sat, its sitting. I saw it twice and they both need to be fixed.
Thats it for me. And now that I've had my bite, I can't wait for more!
Hey,
I agree with vampire the story does have a lot of potential. The paragraph you've given us is a decent length for what it is, but only wets the readers lips. Hopefully you got that! It should definitely be much longer because I was like "what happens next?" For me it was just much to short. Here are a few grammar issues I found:
I think that the why should be while.
The bold is what I added. It seems to flow a bit better with there are.
this is all I found really. Contact me when you write more because I want to see what direction this story goes.
Curiousvampire Thankyou verymuch i will start to write more and post it very soon thankyou x
I see a ton of potential this story, but its short and I seriously wanted more. All you really gave me was descriptions, little dialogue and background. Add more, so I could give a proper review. I like it though and I want to read more.