Amanda
School used to be my favorite place. Now because of two people I hate it. The first. Her name is Hannah. Hannah has everything I want. The looks, the popularity, her accessories, and most importantly. The guy. Jake. The hottest guy in school. He was my best and only friend from preschool to seventh grade. That's when Hannah moved here. The second he laid eyes on her, she was all he talked about. The day she talked to him? That wad worse. He stopped wearing his glasses and stopped doing his homework. He stopped answering questions in class and started focusing on football since, of course, Hannah was head cheerleader. Then he stopped talking to me. He wouldn't return my texts or E-mails. I even passed him a note in Geometry, to have him crumble it up and throw it in the back of the room. Hannah was also the reason I was bullied. Everyone left me alone until she came. I was practically invisible. She spread rumors and encouraged the biggest bully of them all, Albert, to trip me in the halls and smack my books out of my hands. He called me four eyes and made fun of my hair. He said it was too frizzy. As if a wild animal had attacked it. He was the second reason I hated school. I couldn't go a day without him torturing me. One day, i'd think to myself, they'll regret making me feel miserable. I don't know how, or when, but they will
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay, well a rather intense piece there, although I do have to say, this is more suitable to be the first paragraph of a first chapter rather than being the first chapter by itself because this is a bit small for a first chapter and it is kind of only recounting the situation this person find themselves in rather than properly introducing this character or having anything happen in the actual present.
I also do have to say that this is a rather high amount of exposition right here, a bit too high I'd say. It seems like the entire life story is being dumped on us all at once, and its just that...I feel like its the old show vs tell situation where I feel like you need to try and show one of these things happening first, and then perhaps launch into a little bit of an explanation rather than what's currently going on here, which is just a massive explanation and that's just about it. This could benefit from a scene or two from the present quite massively.
Anyways, that aside, while this isn't the most unique of premises, it is a still a fairly interesting one, and its certainly one of those that make you quite mad as the reader and hence makes you want to just read on and see if this Hannah gets what's coming to her. Soo...I'd say this still does its job as a first chapter in making me want to read more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Howdy!
I’m going to review your work for you! ☺
One thing I’m going to say is that this to me is just a block of writing; just a paragraph. If you want to make it look the part then split it into paragraphs and make it longer. This is exceedingly short for a chapter of a novel.
Okay I think you need to link these sentences because they don’t make sense. In addition it would be catchier if you use the pattern of three. Therefore it should read ‘ Hannah had everything I wanted: the looks, the popularity, and most importantly, the guy.
Okay so join these together as well to read ‘Jake: the hottest guy in school.’
This doesn’t make sense.
You wouldn’t throw it in the back of the room you’d through it to the back of the room.
You need to join these two sentences up or it doesn’t make sense!
Okay so the ‘I’d’ needs a capital letter.
Overall this is a good idea and I can’t wait for the next chapter. Keep writing.
Okay, so this is a promising start, but there are a couple of things that I would advise you change. The first is the title of this story; now I usually don't critique on the creative aspects of things too much because I don't like to encroach on a writer's style or anything, but your title as is is just a little typical and flat, and I'd recommend finding something with its own sort of personality as you continue writing this.
Structurally I would say to watch out for the way you structure your sentences, ensuring that you don't ruin the story's rhythm (and yes, like poetry, a story has rhythm), but that wasn't a significant issue. There were a few places, however, where I would opt for a comma instead of a period, for example, so consider looking this over. I would also advise breaking this story up into paragraphs.
When it comes to the story, I wouldn't feel so compelled to pile on the info so fast. You have plenty of time to catch us up on all the gory details, so don't rush. You make Jake's transformation seem much too sudden and unnatural, in my opinion; I mean, it's happened to me, and I know it seems to happen suddenly, but I can't imagine him really seeming *completely* heartless. :] Just a thought, however.
Really, though, this does have a lot of potential. I feel like your MC is just waiting to snap - suicide, revenge? I don't know. But I want to find out how she reacts to this, for sure. Definitely a compelling ending, so keep writing!
Thank you for your advice
If you have any ideas about what i could make the title that would be great because im terrible at titling my stories!
hopefully you continue reading and continue giving me advice! Thanks!
The story is in the viewpoint of seven main characters. The next thing i post will be Highschool story: Hannah Chapter 1. And you're right Jake does change suddenly, but thats in Amandas viewpoint. Jake explains his side of things in chapter 3; jealous girlfriend and a jealous friend.
And i do have a big plan for the end, for all my characters