Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
There was something animal about her movements. Something primal and wild. A look in her eyes that dared people to challenge her. A look that showed she couldn’t care less about the fear showing on her opponents face. Her mouth was twisted into a savage smirk, she was enjoying this, a lioness taunting the lamb.
She slowly circled around the man before her, oblivious to the people gazing on in fascination. The man raised his fists once more, another round then. A grin flashed across her face. She was going to enjoy humiliating him. With a lethal grace she struck, ducking under the man’s guard with an impossible ease and placing a well-placed fist into his gut. There was no hesitation as she used the distraction to land her other fist into his throat, not even giving him a chance to gasp as her leg swiped beneath his, effectively sending him to the ground.
The man lay on the ground, one hand at his throat while he gasped for air. She remained unaffected, instead straightened up and walked away from her beaten opponent. Arrogance practically seeped from her. She didn’t even glance back at the wounded man as she stalked out of the training ring and across the room to where she had left her hoodie.
As she pulled it on over the top of her black vest she finally acknowledged the others in the room. Her gaze scanned over them almost indifferently. Almost daring any of them to challenge her, they wouldn’t of course. Taking on one of the Elites wasn’t a voluntary training exercise. Usually it was that they were made to do as a punishment for messing up on a mission. None ever won against an Elite. And she knew that.
Personally she thought that she was one of the better ones that they could have been put up against. She didn’t make jokes, she didn’t drag it out. True she didn’t try to teach them anything while she did it, but the others could do that. She wasn’t here to be a teacher to mere foot soldiers.
“Lexi.”
She spun at the sound of her name. Maybe she was wrong, maybe someone did want to go up against her. Though she wasn’t quite sure why, it wasn’t like they were going to win.
But, no, alas when she saw who had called her name she knew this was not to be the case. Oliver. Almost as soon as her gaze landed on him her expression went from one of moderate excitement to a glare of annoyance.
Though she would much rather talk to anyone but him, she had little choice. They were on the same team, they made up two of the five Elites on the base. But that didn’t mean she had to like him, nor he her. Instead they shared a mutual feeling of hatred for each other. They had since they had first trained together.
“What?” Lexi asked, allowing her lack of enthusiasm to come through in her voice.
He rolled his eyes at her tone, although it only made it apparent that he felt the same way. “Meeting.” He stated with a shrug. “Nelson wants to speak to us.”
Lexi paused for a brief moment while she contemplated what it could be about. Though guessing was usually pointless, so instead she gave a curt not and followed after Oliver.
The base was a large compound, located centrally in the middle of nowhere. If you were to look it up on a map nothing would be found. To those who were not aware of the base’s existence it simply did not exist. It was a slight blemish on a sheet of glass, unnoticeable unless you were aware it was there.
The facility itself was a large structure. It appeared to be nothing more than an office block from the ground. True the location was an odd place, but there were a few other buildings dotted about nearby to keep up appearances. The first three floors of the building were where the paperwork was done, therefore the façade of offices worked, should anyone come looking.
Above this there were several floors that were claimed by the IT specialists. There was equipment on those floors that looked so complicated that it was humanly impossible to understand, yet it appeared that there were a select few who could. And without her ever admitting it Lexi had always secretly admired them.
The training levels, where they were now, were on top of the IT floors. They consisted of large open spaces, training rings, target practice, a large gym. Personally Lexi spent most of her time up here, there wasn’t much else to do around the facility.
Lexi followed Oliver through this floor now, over to the lift at the end of the room. As they both stepped inside she allowed him to press the button taking them to the top floor. She sighed, she wasn’t going to be the one to strike up conversation, even though the silence unnerved her. It always had. There was nothing more alarming than the sound of silence.
It appeared that he felt the same way because he glanced over at her. “You should really try and teach them rather than just humiliating them like that.”
So he had been watching. Her only acknowledgement of this fact was a slight raise of her eyebrow and a shrug.
“You’re welcome to do that yourself. Besides, they’re grown-ups, they should be able to learn from it anyway. They don’t need me to sit there explaining everything to them.”
He snorted. “What could have possibly been learnt from that?”
“That if he hadn’t got into a very specific stance at first I wouldn’t have been able to see the weak points in his guard. That he should react faster. That he needs to pay more attention to my movements. That he shouldn’t assume that just because I’m smaller than him, I’m not better than him. Need I go on?”
He rolled his eyes as the doors opened. “Are you that incompetent at admitting you’re wrong? You beat him because you enjoyed it. You didn’t teach him because you didn’t care.”
“That too,” she stated simply leading the way out of the lift and along the white walled hallway.
“You’re unbelievable,” he muttered.
She glanced back at him and flashed a grin. “I know.”
“It wasn’t meant as a compliment.”
Lexi only shrugged and stalked into the meeting room. The other three were already sat at the long desk. She glanced over at Allie, the brunette cast a knowing smirk in her direction. Lexi only rolled her eyes in response as she dropped down into the seat beside her. They had discussed Lexi’s dislike of Oliver many times before, of all the people on the base Allie was probably her best friend. Granted if the situation came to it they would both throw the other into the fire so they could escape, but if there was another option they would work together as though their brains were linked.
The three guys on the other side of the table were the polar opposite, they would all sacrifice themselves for another without a second thought. Ever the noble sort. On missions it had become an unspoken rule that when they were grouping off Lexi and Allie would go together, while Oliver, Rick and Markus would go together. It worked better that way. They would get the job done and they came back alive.
“You two look like you’ve just seen a puppy being murdered,” Markus said with an amused smirk.
Lexi rolled her eyes. “I think walking anywhere with him is the equivalent when it comes to fun.”
Markus snorted. “And you’re a complete barrel of laughs yourself,” he replied, somewhat sarcastically.
“You know it,” she replied with a grin.
He opened his mouth to respond but was interrupted by the door opening. They all subtly shifted so they were sitting slightly straighter in their seats, coming to attention as the suited man entered. He was relatively young, perhaps early thirties. Although his attire was smart, his blonde hair was ruffled, as though he had just risen from bed.
He paced across the room, stopping to stand at the head of the table. He placed five brown folders on the table and gestured for everyone to take one. It was standard procedure now. Nelson would give them their folders full of photographs and information, then they would eliminate the targets. End of mission.
Lexi flipped through hers now, taking particular note of all the faces within the images. The others did the same while Nelson began talking.
“We don’t know much to be honest with you. But we have tracked at least seven Reapers to this compound. They could be gathering, they could just be waiting for their moment to strike us. In any case, they’re too close. If they were further away we could perhaps send people to observe what they’re planning. But that’s not an option right now. If they were planning to come after us and they have more people than we know about then we’re screwed. To put it lightly.” Nelson explained briefly.
They all nodded. “Where are they?” Allie asked.
“They appear to have taken control of a farm about forty miles from here,” he said.
“Like with cows and stuff?” Markus asked, interrupting.
Nelson rolled his eyes. “Yes, like with cows and stuff.”
“What are they doing there then?” he asked.
“Making milk and plotting world domination,” Rick said with a smirk.
Nelson sighed, brushing a hand through his hair. “Is it impossible for the two of you to be serious?”
They both glanced at each other before simultaneously shrugging. “Pretty much,” Markus said in reply.
“So how many of them can we expect?” Oliver interrupted.
“From what we have seen there are around twenty five to thirty men on the compound, however, because the place is so isolated we haven’t gotten close enough to get exact numbers.”
“What sort of mission is it?” Allie asked.
“Kill on sight. Also have a look around if you get the chance, any information we can get on what they’re up to would likely help.”
They all nodded and reached the point where they all knew the discussion was over, all the other information that could be needed would be contained within the folders. Lexi and the others rose to their feet, all walking out of the room together, so they would be able to quickly prepare for the mission.
“Let’s go kill the bastards!” Rick said flashing a grin as he stalked off towards the weapons room.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The Elite - Chapter 2 - Part 1Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Alrighty, I hope you don't mind me coming in here and leaving some comments! I prefer mostly to focus on style and characterisation so let's start this party, shall we?
As for style, you have the basic concept down. The pacing was fabulous, and this is a great first chapter - it possesses a strong hook which introduces the reader not only to the main characters, but also to the setting, situation, and plot. However, that is not to say that there are some issues.
While reading this, I noticed a lot of minor errors in flow - small things really, though they really do disrupt the reading experience. My suggestion would be to read the chapter out loud. If anything you read doesn't sound right - edit it. That will solve most of the problem. Also, there is a real lack of any sort of in depth description of anything really. And I'm not just talking about the setting. Many of the characters seemed bland and lackluster because they were only briefly brushed over. Of course, this is the introduction, and as a result any sort of analysis of the side cast is going to be kept to a minimum. However, when I couldn't even tell Rick and Marcus apart I knew there was a problem. This is the first introduction of these characters, and as a result it is also the most important moment to give them each defining characteristics so that they are not just names on paper. Think of it as the Red Shirt Principle: if you don't characterize them, everyone knows they will end up suffering a terrible fate within the next few chapters.
I think this is a show, not tell sort of situation.You tell us important information, like how Lexi doesn't like Oliver, or how Lexi and Allie are friends but not really close, but you don't show any of the charecters' actions imbetween.A great way to spot this is your dialog. Things happen during dialog. People wave their hands, move around. Our character, Lexi, has thoughts, inner reactions, ect. All of these are important facets of characterization which are only minimally present.
Well, I hope my comments helped, and thank you for your work!
Hiya!
Thank you so much for your review! I'll definitely look back over the description and flow of the piece and correct anything that I spot.
In this first chapter I intentionally did a couple of things with the characters, Markus and Rich are very similar for a reason, however I understand what you mean. I do plan on going into more depth on their characters (and the others) in later chapters. However, for this first chapter I didn't want to ramble on and initiate strong characterization straight away, that will come as the story progresses.
But I do see what you mean, and will try to take a further look at them within later chapters
Again, thank you for your review!
I really liked this chapter. The intense emotion and detail you have is very invigorating. Lexi is a very interesting character -- she's almost a sociopath, but maybe not quite. She beats a man without so much remorse, and the father figure, Nelson, doesn't seem to teach her how wrong it is. He just laughs it off and acts like it's no problem -- I'm wondering if that's for his own hidden agenda or not. Very interesting dynamic. I hope you go into more of Lexi's backstory in the chapters to come: how she came to be there, what happened to her parents, even just her age.
These two lines had me squinting because I wasn't sure what it meant, but now I think it's her not showing mercy to her fearless opponents. I would reword this to make it more clear, something like:
Very interesting exchange here...the lack of emotion when it comes to Lexi's response is very eye-gouging. At first I shrugged it off, thinking she's not the type of character to show more emotion but...
...She does show more emotion here. So how does she reacted to being told she enjoys beating people up? "she stated" is so empty, what's her body language, how does she say that line?
I would actually end this chapter after the conversation between Oliver and Nelson. The reason is the first half of this chapter has a clear accomplishment and goal that it meets -- introducing us to Lexi. The introduction of Oliver is somewhat lost in that. The second half of the chapter is dedicated towards setting up the main plot, and introducing a few more characters. But the "more characters" come off as "extra characters" because they don't feel as developed. Obviously, it's chapter one and you have more time to do so, but it's something to think about. The main plot of the story isn't something you want to throw in at the end. Also, I don't feel as if any of the characters are truly relate-able just yet. Lexi is arrogant and mean, Nelson is a bit of the same, and the rest of the characters we don't enough about yet.
Please let me know when the next chapter is uploaded so I can read it.
Hi!
Thank you so much for your review! I completely see what you mean by most of those points, and I'll definitely try to develop the characters a little more in later chapters! I'll revisit those sentences and reword them, so hopefully they'll make a little more sense. I'm planning on looking a little more into her backstory later on, but I'll let you know when I've posted the next chapter. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thank you so so much for your review!!!
Hi!
Thank you so much for your review! I completely see what you mean by most of those points, and I'll definitely try to develop the characters a little more in later chapters! I'll revisit those sentences and reword them, so hopefully they'll make a little more sense. I'm planning on looking a little more into her backstory later on, but I'll let you know when I've posted the next chapter. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thank you so so much for your review!!!
Hey,
So I don't know why this hasn't been reviewed yet but it should. It's awesome! I really like the story line so far. The character development is very well done considering that this is a fairly short chapter. The description is light but it fits with the feeling of the story. I do recommend describing the characters a bit more physically in the next chapter.
The small fight scene in the beginning is very well orchestrated and her cockiness is nice considering main character (Which is what I assume she is) don't usually have this trait. On the note of Lexi I love her dynamic with the rest of the elites and I relate with her fam. She is like me but less cocky and athletic. Another thing to add the paragraphing is really well done.
All around amazing job and I really hope to see more from this story. Like in fact please PM me when you update this because i would be delighted to read more. So as always keep writing and have a great day.
-Zee
Hi, thank you so much for this review! I'll definitely try and add a little more description into the next chapter! Thanks for pointing it out to me
I'm glad that you enjoyed it! Thank you so much!
Yeah no problem