Chapter 2- Lillian
Her fingers drummed impatiently on the arm of her chair while she listened to the Queen continuing to read out names that meant nothing to her. Who knew weddings could be so tedious, especially when she was the one who was to be wed.
She looked at the ladies sat around them, all dressed in their pretty gowns, hair styled to perfection. True she was no exception to all of that, wearing her emerald green gown, she had been told the shimmering fabric brought out the green in her eyes. The dress held a golden trim and had clearly cost a small fortune. Her hair was an elaborate formation of curls that her servants had slaved over earlier this morning, the auburn masterpiece falling gracefully over her shoulders and down towards her waist.
Lillian couldn’t help but wonder if looking good was worth all of the discomfort however, there were pins digging uncomfortably into her scalp and her corset was laced tightly enough that she was beginning to think that breathing was too much of a chore to continue with.
In truth she had only donned her finery in the hopes that the Prince would be joining them. However when she had voiced these hopes to the woman beside her, the Queen had only laughed as though she was a complete fool. “My son has more important things to worry about than planning weddings, my dear” she had said, brushing it off as easily as that.
Now Lillian was left sat with the Queen and her ladies, pretending to listen while the list of potential guests was aimed her way. She knew that she should be trying to make them all like her, soon she would be surrounded by them almost all the time, but the only one who she wanted to win over was the Prince. Her Prince.
She knew that there were millions who would love to be in her position, preparing to marry the most desirable man in any of the kingdoms. Heir to the largest and most powerful kingdom, a throne that none could take away. And then there was him. Black hair and startling blue eyes, tall and chorded with muscle, even the blind would be drawn to him.
Before the engagement had been finalised she had gazed at him admirably, soon she would gaze at him lovingly, joined to him in every possible way. She had been overjoyed the day that her father had told her of the wedding, and had been counting down the days ever since. Lillian’s heart fluttered and she turned to see the Queen looking at her expectantly.
Shoot. She hadn’t been paying attention. Lillian bowed her head respectfully towards the Queen and her ladies as she rose to her feet. “I beg your pardon, Your Highness, my ladies. I fear that I have developed a headache, and I would not be good company at the moment. You must forgive me, we shall simply have to continue another day, though I trust that your Highness has fantastic judgement to choose in the meantime” she said with a polite smile.
The Queen offered her a small smile and bowed her head, a slight gesture that wouldn’t be noticed unless you knew to look. “Of course, my dear. We shall rearrange for when you are feeling better.”
Lillian dipped into a deep curtsey “thank you, your Highness. You are most kind.”
With that Lillian turned on her heel and walked from the room, a small breath escaping her as soon as the doors closed behind her. She thought it strange that it was so much easier to breathe when she wasn’t surrounded by the court and their pawns, for a brief moment she even wondered if her corset was coming undone, but the pressure on her ribs told her otherwise.
The whole of the court in this city was petty, where she came from people knew how to play the game properly, and just because not everyone here knew the rules did not mean that she planned on holding back. Everyone had their own agenda, Lillian included. Not that anyone here knew that. That was the first rule of every game; never show your hand.
A small smirk flickered across her face, covered before it could be seen. She would have what she wanted, and by the end of it she planned on being the one on top. So far everyone had been doing everything as they should. That was everyone but the Prince.
She meandered her way around the castle gardens, her two guards following a distance behind, an ever present shadow. They were as the Prince should be by now, loyal to her. But that was immensely hard to do when the royal persisted in avoiding her, even at feasts when he was sat beside her his attention seemed to always be elsewhere. It was grinding on her nerves now. Her whole plan depended on him, and sooner or later he would have to give her the attention she so clearly deserved.
And then, as though summoned by her thoughts she saw him. Not all that far away, walking with another man, the captain of the guard she believed. A small smile flickered across her features as she adjusted her course so it would be unavoidable for them to run into her.
Even she had to admit she could see what all the fuss was about him. Though his skin was a little pale he truly looked like a force to be reckoned with. His was dressed in black, the only colour he wore coming from the red cape snapping in the wind behind him. There were two blades strapped over his shoulders, a third sword hanging from his hip. The hilt of each carved elaborately and onyx stones were fitted in.
The captain looked plain in comparison. He too wore black clothing, though it showed signs of age and use. He had one long sword slung at his waist, the hilt was simple, and the blade itself contained small nicks from use. And upon sighting her and her guards his hand was immediately upon it, ready to draw at a moment’s notice.
Lillian stopped a few feet away and dropped into a low curtsey, leaning forward in an alluring fashion before rising again and looking at the Prince, doing her best to ignore his companion. “Your Grace, such a surprise to bump into you here” she said, an innocent expression taking its place on her face.
However, the Prince did not seem in the least bit interested, it was almost as though he didn’t believe it was a chance meeting, Lillian had to fight the clench of her teeth. He gave her a polite bow “my lady. Were you not supposed to be with my mother?” he asked, and she could have sworn that she heard an accusatory tone in his voice.
She nodded her head slightly “I was not feeling well, I thought that the fresh air might help” she said, gesturing vaguely at the gardens around them. “And what, might I ask are you and the captain doing wandering the gardens?” she asked offering a small smile. It was not returned.
“We were just cutting through, we have a meeting to attend” he said stiffly. The captain shifted uncomfortably on his feet.
Lillian knew a dismissal when she heard it. She had to fight back her scowl, why did this man have to be so different from every other man out there. “Of course, forgive me. I did not mean to keep you from your business. I only wished…” She batted her eyes slightly before looking up at him through her lashes. “Perhaps we should get to know each other better before the wedding?” She fought back her grin of victory as a flicker of irritation passed over the Princes face; she knew that she had him in her grasp now. “Maybe you could dine with me in my chambers?” she suggested, doing her best to make herself appear sincere in every possible way.
The Prince nodded curtly “of course, my lady. It would be an honour. I shall send someone to arrange it with you. Now if you will excuse us, we’re late” he said, bowing once more before walking around her and heading towards the castle, the captain a step behind.
Now she was unable to hold back her grin. Finally the Prince was in her grasp, and though their story might not be the fairy tale of most girls’ dreams, she was not inclined to mess up the first chance she had at making him hers.
In the meantime however, she had more pressing issues. Like what she was going to wear.
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A few minor points in this chapter. First of all, since I seem to recall from the last chapter that the non-humans are in charge now, right? So I’m wondering—are Lillian and the other royals human or are they nonhumans? Right now I’m reading them as humans, but that confuses me a little since I thought nonhumans are top dog in this world at this point in history. Just something to clear up in this chapter. If they are humans, maybe you just want to give a nod to how human royals are in charge of the largest and most powerful kingdom when nonhumans are on top—unless nonhumans are on top only in one of the kingdoms, in which case that needs to be clearer instead.
Then again, I guess if you go with the advice I gave you in the last chapter (namely, to delete that backstory info-dump), readers probably won’t be confused by this after all; we won’t know precisely the role of humans and nonhumans in the kingdoms yet anyway, so we won’t be confused to see a human royal family in a world where nonhumans are in charge.
I quibble with this line about the prince, because—okay, I get that the “even the blind” is to show us just how alluring he is, but since all you’ve named so far are physical attributes that a blind person would know nothing about except by hearsay (such as the color of his hair), it was a little weird to me that you then used “even the blind” to show us how desirable he is. It's not even that it's just physical attributes, but mostly very visual attributes--not even how he smells or anything like that (although I guess you COULD feel his muscles...if you got close enough). Maybe a different way of showing that, or maybe some of his personal attributes that also make him desirable would help this line out. On that note, “chorded” is incorrect—you wanted “corded” with no h. With an h, it has to do with music. Without, it has to do with cloth, cord, or muscle.
A final note for improvement comes in this line.
A few paragraphs later, you repeat that she knows she has him in her grasp, but I don’t understand the connection between a look of irritation and having the irritated person in her grasp. I don’t know enough about the prince to think, “A-ha! She must have him in her grasp now, because as anyone who knows the prince would know, his look of irritation means…” I mean, ordinarily a look of irritation would kind of show the opposite of that person being in your grasp…if you mean “in her grasp” like, you know…well, I take “in her grasp” to mean kind of twisted around her finger, friendly and/or seduced and/or in love—you know, that he’s going to bend to her will in some way. But looking irritated at her just…didn’t really say that to me, you know what I’m saying?
Of course, if there’s a reason with the prince’s personality that a look of irritation WOULD signify this, all you have to do is show us what that is. Like Lillian could just think about it, you know. Alternatively, if I’m totally wrong about what you mean by “in her grasp,” maybe just choose different wording so your meaning is clearer.
Overall, I think the action of this chapter was better than the last one, though. Maybe it’s just because it lacks the backstory—after all, I did really enjoy the last chapter once Allison showed up, especially the part where her sister was missing but I didn’t know why. OH! That’s what you did better in this chapter! So you remember in the last chapter when I didn’t realize there was more of a beginning than what I’d already read and I was sort of bummed out about the real beginning because it took away the mystery? Well, in this chapter you have that mystery—we know Lillian has some sort of plan that requires the prince, but we don’t know what it is. It’s intriguing. So excellent job on that.
BlueAfrica
Hiya again
)
All the points you've made are completely right and I'll make sure to change that. (oh, and the info dump has been dumped since your comment
But yeah, all those things do need clarification, and I'm going to go through this again tonight and make a couple of changes to what happens anyway, had a few ideas of how to make it better while lying in bed last night, but I'll change everything you mentioned too
Thank you so much
Burninhell
Hiya again
)
All the points you've made are completely right and I'll make sure to change that. (oh, and the info dump has been dumped since your comment
But yeah, all those things do need clarification, and I'm going to go through this again tonight and make a couple of changes to what happens anyway, had a few ideas of how to make it better while lying in bed last night, but I'll change everything you mentioned too
Thank you so much
Burninhell
Hiya again
)
All the points you've made are completely right and I'll make sure to change that. (oh, and the info dump has been dumped since your comment
But yeah, all those things do need clarification, and I'm going to go through this again tonight and make a couple of changes to what happens anyway, had a few ideas of how to make it better while lying in bed last night, but I'll change everything you mentioned too
Thank you so much
Burninhell
Hiya again
)
All the points you've made are completely right and I'll make sure to change that. (oh, and the info dump has been dumped since your comment
But yeah, all those things do need clarification, and I'm going to go through this again tonight and make a couple of changes to what happens anyway, had a few ideas of how to make it better while lying in bed last night, but I'll change everything you mentioned too
Thank you so much
Burninhell
Hiya again
)
All the points you've made are completely right and I'll make sure to change that. (oh, and the info dump has been dumped since your comment
But yeah, all those things do need clarification, and I'm going to go through this again tonight and make a couple of changes to what happens anyway, had a few ideas of how to make it better while lying in bed last night, but I'll change everything you mentioned too
Thank you so much
Burninhell
Hiya again
)
All the points you've made are completely right and I'll make sure to change that. (oh, and the info dump has been dumped since your comment
But yeah, all those things do need clarification, and I'm going to go through this again tonight and make a couple of changes to what happens anyway, had a few ideas of how to make it better while lying in bed last night, but I'll change everything you mentioned too
Thank you so much
Burninhell
Hiya again
)
All the points you've made are completely right and I'll make sure to change that. (oh, and the info dump has been dumped since your comment
But yeah, all those things do need clarification, and I'm going to go through this again tonight and make a couple of changes to what happens anyway, had a few ideas of how to make it better while lying in bed last night, but I'll change everything you mentioned too
Thank you so much
Burninhell
Hiya again
)
All the points you've made are completely right and I'll make sure to change that. (oh, and the info dump has been dumped since your comment
But yeah, all those things do need clarification, and I'm going to go through this again tonight and make a couple of changes to what happens anyway, had a few ideas of how to make it better while lying in bed last night, but I'll change everything you mentioned too
Thank you so much
Burninhell
Hiya again
)
All the points you've made are completely right and I'll make sure to change that. (oh, and the info dump has been dumped since your comment
But yeah, all those things do need clarification, and I'm going to go through this again tonight and make a couple of changes to what happens anyway, had a few ideas of how to make it better while lying in bed last night, but I'll change everything you mentioned too
Thank you so much
Burninhell
You're very welcome.
Hey!
I saw this in the Green Room, and after reading the first two parts I decided to leave you a review!
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Ch.1 Pt.1 ~ This was a really good beginning. I loved the twist of the man being a werewolf. I only have one tiny problem, that is really a personal opinion thing. I'm so tired of seeing people being kidnapped as leverage to a certain character. I feel like I'm seeing it more and more often. I mean, why also a person, like a sister or significant other. Why not a pet, like a dog. Or maybe all their money? Or even their prized trophy collection, or something crazy like that. I just really would like to see some variety, not just the cliche kidnapping of a family member or close friend. This is really just a personal preference though.
Ch.1 Pt.2~ I don't have much to say about this part. It wasn't quite as exciting, but I still really enjoyed it. I especially loved the letter at the end, and the final line.
Ch.2 Pt.1 ~ This definitely is my least favorite of the parts as of now. I'm really not a fan of Princesses/Princes/Royalty/Weddings/etc. This chapter is a bit boring to me. I like the hints of the Princess wanting the Prince to be hers, that was easily my favorite thing about this part. I would like to see this part spiced up a bit though. I dunno, a fight between the Princess and Prince maybe? This is really just a personal thing though, so it's up to you.
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
I think this would read better with a comma after "True", and breaking it up into two sentences, the break (period) being after "that" and starting the next sentence with a "she", before continuing on with what you've already wrote (wearing her emerald...)
There are a few other random little nit-picks, but they aren't really important enough to be pointed out; I would seem like a overly rude teacher with the dreaded red pen, who pointed out things that don't even really matter.
Overall, I think this is a pretty good story.
~Myth
Hiya, thank you so much for the review
thank you so much
I know at the moment it's not the most exciting thing in the world, trust me I'm literally thinking the same thing, but if it comes together like it is in my head then hopefully it should get a little more exciting soon enough, just gotta have a little patience.
But I understand what you're saying about the clique beginning, I'll have a think on it and see if there's something better that comes to mind, just when I was writing it that was the only bit of leverage I could think of him having that would fit with what I have planned.
As for this chapter, I need to go over it, I've had more interesting ideas since writing it of how it could be made better
But yeah
Burninhell
No Problem! And I completely understand what you are saying.
Haha yep, hardcore editing session has just been initiated.

I'll keep your comments in mind, again, thank you