z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

A Bridge of Chains - Chapter 1 part 2/2

by burninhell


Allison quickly made her way out of the city, she had had to force herself to walk rather than run so as not to draw unwanted attention to herself, but as soon as she was past the walls of the capital she broke into a sprint. It didn’t take long for her to reach the edge of the forest where she had left her horse tied to a tree.

She fumbled with the rope for a few moments, her panic causing her fingers to tremble. Her breath came in heavy pants as she finally released her horse and swung herself up onto its back. At her nudge the horse started off at a gallop, darting around the edge of the forest towards the camp at a speed that made the trees blur beside her.

Her attention was solely focused on their destination however, getting back to the camp so she could find her sister and put all these threats behind her. She refused to think about the alternative, that her sister might actually be gone. Because then she would be forced to do something incredibly foolish, something that would likely end up with her being dead before she had a chance to even see her sister again.

After letting out a steadying breath, trying to calm the racing of her heart as a couple of plumes of smoke appeared in the distance. The camp. Her sister would be there, probably sulking about not being allowed to come to the city with her. Then she would pull a chocolate from her bag and everything would be forgiven, just like it had been for the past four years. There was no way that idle threats from a werewolf could be true.

Allison dismounted her horse, she shoved her shaking hands deep into her pockets, forcing her mind to remain blank, and refusing to let herself feel anything until she knew her sister was safe. She hated the sun that was hot on her back as she made her way towards her tent, it promised hope and joy. It promised lies.

The camp was crowded with canvas tents around its edge, however towards the center some wooden huts had been constructed for the people who had lived there longer than the others. Rabbits roasted on fires, the smell filling the air. People sat on logs that had been placed around the fires, talking and laughing. Children ran around sparring with sticks, their mothers watching with smiles on their faces. There was nothing remotely similar to what things had been like in the city.

None of this was noticed by Allison who stalked through the camp with an unnerving grace. People took one look at her and stayed out of her way, something about the darkness in her eyes making them flinch back.

Though it took mere minutes for her to reach their small hut to Allison it felt like a lifetime. She shoved open the door with a force that would have even surprised her at any other point in time, but right now she couldn’t care less. The hut was of a simple layout, four rooms in all. Two bedrooms, a living room and her work room, it took her seconds to search it. The search was fruitless. Her sister was not there.

She let her head fall back against the wall in her work room as a shuddery breath escaped her. The room was covered in paper, scrolls of it strewn across her desk, multiple pieces stuck to her wall. She was barely paying attention to her surroundings, her mind was racing. Her sister could just be out in the camp somewhere, playing with friends perhaps.

It seemed reasonable, as she was turning to go and leave the hut however a bright splash of red caught her attention. Her gaze drifted over to her desk, upon which sat a red envelope with her name scrawled across the front in an elegant script.

Allison snatched it from the desk with quaking hands, glancing briefly at the golden seal on the back. A wolf howling at the moon. She tore open the envelope, almost dropping it as she read the message that took away all hope she had of finding her sister anywhere in the camp.

Let the games begin.

W.

In the corner stamped in blood red ink that looked suspiciously like blood was a paw print. Slowly her hands stopped shaking, her mind was filled with an eerie clarity. Suddenly she knew who the letter was from. And more importantly she knew exactly what she was going to do.

She was going to kidnap Lillian Renncourt.


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Mon Sep 14, 2015 11:00 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay, so I’m going to be totally blunt and tell you this straight-up:

You need to start with Allison.

You need to cut all that backstory at the beginning.

You need to.

Because here’s the deal: Allison and her situation are interesting. Once you started writing about Allison, you started using sensory detail, fleshing out the world, and giving us just enough to be getting on with, without giving anything away. Like these two lines that I really like:

There was no way that idle threats from a werewolf could be true.


She was going to kidnap Lillian Renncourt.


We don’t know precisely who the werewolf is that made threats or exactly what those threats were, but we can guess. We have no idea who Lillian Renncourt is or how kidnapping her will help Allison get her sister back, but we trust that you’ll let us know in due time.

Like, the part with Allison is so good! But if this was a published book, I never would’ve gotten that far because I would’ve put it down after the first couple of paragraphs. It’s so generic. It could be the backstory of any fantasy novel with a struggle between humans and nonhumans (which is a lot of them). There are few details about the humans’ treatment of the nonhumans, less details about the nonhumans’ treatment of the humans’, and no details about the way humans first took over, the Great Revolution, or what kinds of nonhumans we’re talking about.

Here’s my suggestion. Rather than dumping a bunch of generic backstory on us right at the beginning, start with Allison and her missing sister. Don’t stop the action to give us the whole history of your world; just tell your story, and let bits and pieces of that history weave its way into the story. Allison and her missing sister are interesting. They’ll be enough to draw us in and read further, and then you can start feeding us backstory a small spoonful at a time.

BlueAfrica




burninhell says...


Okay so I completely understand what you mean about the beginning, I think it's one of those things that seems like a good idea at the time but now that I look back on it I really can't seem to remember why...
But yeah, when I get in it's definitely being changed, meant to do it earlier but I forgot, oops. Because if it was a proper book I think that I would have taken a trip to boredville too.
So thank you for reminding me, I'll get right on that and will definitely use your suggestion of weaving in as it goes on.
Thank you so much
Burninhell



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Sat Sep 12, 2015 10:51 pm
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hi, hello! I haven't read your first part to this chapter, but I seem to be filled in quite a bit which is fantastic, and I'm not that lost either. I'm pretty sure about what's going on and the whole plot.

I love the cliffhanger at the end, just wow . Werewolf stories are not always that fun, but this one seems interesting and definitely worth a read.

Allison's character seems developed quite a bit, and I really like her. From this chapter, I take that she's a fighter, a warrior, but this soft on the inside (dropping the note, trembling). I don't know if she's supposed to be strong or weak; both, probably, and I like that she's not a Mary Sue and perfect in any way, inside and out.

I, honestly, think the beginning dragged on too much. I don't think it should've started out like that (it doesn't pull in the reader and hook them). However, it does seem neccessary for your plot to describe what's going on so I think you could just move it somewhere else in the chapter or maybe even split it up and put some in the second chapter. I don't know, whatever you want, but to me it feels too boring and monotonous to have as a beginning.

Other than that, though, I really like it.

Keep writing!

~ EternalRain




burninhell says...


Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad that you were able to grasp what was going on, and seem to like it :). I completely understand what you mean about the beginning though, I'm starting on the second chapter now so I'll try to split some of it up and put it there instead, I have a tendency to drag things out, so thank you for pointing it out to me :) but you should read the first part, it's a bit more interesting, well in my opinion anyways, probably adds a bit more insight as to what's going on here as well.
But yeah, thank you so much for your review, I'll take another look and try to sort the beginning out :)




Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
— Joseph Campbell